A CPU Bug Is Sweeping the Cyber Nation and I Am Freaking Out!!

As you may have heard on the news or from your town crier, all the computer chips stopped working. It's really bad. All the computer chips are broken and vulnerable to bit sniffers and god knows what else.

Are you confused? You should be.

There was a flaw. It got in there at the very beginning of computers and as chips got faster and smaller the flaw became more powerful and harder to see. We only found out about this flaw because a very powerful white hat hacker dropped a byte on his cpu and used a very powerful microscope to find the dropped byte, inadvertently discovering the tiny bad thing. Now all of our things are in danger of bad.

Why is this such a problem, you may ask without using a question mark for some reason. Well here's why. Without a processor our computers and cell phones can still work but they don't know what they're doing. Your email will get sent to your sound card. The internet sends all web pages to Calculator. When you move the mouse cursor in a slow circular motion your computer moans. It's total megabyte madness!

Before we go further, it's important to understand how processors function. They're holographic wafers. Look at them at a certain angle and you see a rad drawing of Wolverine. Tilt it and his claws are doing that SNIKT! thing. Now imagine you can tilt that wafer hundreds of times per second to reveal other images. That's what a CPU is and also what it does.

Now that we've gone further, let's take this in another direction. Now that we're in another direction, let's ask a question.

So what happens now?

Intel is preparing to have a pizza party. At its conclusion they will throw the switch to turn all the processors back on. We'll be vulnerable to viruses and telenukes that exploit the flaw, namely Spectre and Meltdown and Cool Ghost and IceSnypa. On the other hand, all processors will work slower than they did before the flaw was revealed. It's a trade-off.

How You Can Help

Solve this whole thing. Solve it and replace all the chips and make it better. Please do that if you can.

Is Your Computer Affected?

Probably. Definitely, if it's one of these models:

• Your Computer
• Someone Else's Computer
• Packard Bell
• Gateway 2000
• BitBoys Oy
• Intel
• Laptop
• Extreme Gamer Republic Slicer-X: Revenge Edition
• Speak & Spell
• Other
• Other 2S
• Basically every terminal in Fallout

If your computer is at risk, here's what you do.

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If your computer has been ruined by the bug, the previous line might have been eaten by the CPU bug.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)