Pre-Scripted, After All These Years

Gaming laughingstock Duke Nukem Forever has been in development by 3D Realms for more than eight years. They have switched engines more times than a 1948 Chevy being used as a taxicab in Cuba, they have released screenshots that get "recalled" and replaced for years, and a few years ago they even released a gameplay movie that no longer applies. The managerial mastermind behind what amounts to a scheme to bilk investors is one George Broussard, and as DNF once again begins to make comical noises about being worked on Mr. Broussard has posted a request on his forums. He needs help! He and the team have been working so hard in the past eight years that they need fans to come up with ideas for pre-scripted events in DNF.

The ever-changing prospector has become more iconic for DNF than Duke himself. Expect a bump-mapped screenshot of him soon.

Here is what Broussard posted on the 3D Realms forums:

So...

Assume there are Pig Cops running wild through Vegas and fighting against Earth forces or harrassing human civilians.

Feel free to post any interesting scripted events that contain the above elements. Nothing too complex. I'm talking about little 5-8 second things that you can see happening in the distance, or as you enter a new area, or whatever. Nothing that's 20 seconds long. Nothing that's going to invole 20 actors.

Examples: You walk up to a corner and see a Pig Cop dragging an EDF Soldier by his feet behind the wall. Or you walk up and see a Pig Cop holding an EDF Soldier off the ground with 1 arm, choking him, then he tosses the body aside.

think action moives. Think short, sweet and focused and things that aren't so complex you have to worry about interrupting them.

We have plenty of ideas, but it's always good to hear from people that play games.

I'll check back from time to time.

And here are a few of the genius responses from diehard Duke fans:

Player in a restaurant's air vent shaft sees a pig cop sniffing around the kitchen looking for him. Pigcop reaches some raw fish left on the cutting board with its guts half removed, smells it and makes a sound like a half-snort, half-sneeze as he shakes his head with dislike. Next he smells up the legs of this dead waitress partially lying on a stove and makes the same snort-sneezing, head-shaking sound when his nose points at her privates.

An artist's rendering of most of the ideas offered on the 3D Realms forums.That dead girl's pussy stinks! Hilarious! What else you got for me, 3D Realms forums?

1 In the distance a group of Pig Cops playing soccer with a human head.
2 Pig Cop dragging a woman by hair like cave man.
3 Female on ground in bloody puddle with Pig Cop standing near by buclkling pants and walking away.
4 Small group of humans against wall, several Pig Cops raise weapons, fire and turn and walk away.
5 Two Pig Cops pull at same young girls arms when suddenly she becomes dismembered, they look at each other and make strange gestur, turn and walk away leaving her to die.

There are just so many.

How many do you need?

The emphasis there is mine. Probably a third or more of the suggestions involve rape or attempted rape, showing you just the sort of classy people who are still left clinging to the rotting corpse of the DNF project. In an effort to actually help dear George I have constructed a few pre-scripted scenarios I feel would be marked improvements over the suggestions he is getting.

A Pig Cop is in a back alley with a stripper and he starts to rape her and says something like "Give me the sugar babies" and she screams and blood shoots out of her crotch. Then another Pig Cop that is dressed like a woman comes into the alley and gets mad and she eats the hooker and punches the other Pig Cop and knocks him out. So she pulls the pants off the Pig Cop who is knocked out and she has a huge schlong!! And she says "ROFLMA Pigs In a Blanket!" and then she starts raping the original Pig Cop in the butt! And blood is shooting everywhere and then the EDF soldiers come in on those ropes from a helicopter and they say "Groovy!" and shoot the girl Pig Cop in her face and it EXPLODES. Then the other Pig Cop wakes up and grabs its butt in surprise and starts crying and all of the EDF soldiers laugh and high-five. Then you (DUKE) can shoot the Pig Cop who is crying or you can just laugh or whatever.

That sounds perfectly suited for DNF to me, but maybe George already has several pre-scripted rape sequences. How about a hilarious play on current events? It is sure to be fresh and funny when DNF is released any minute now.

Pig Cop General has some questions.Four EDF prisoners are marched into a room and there is a General Pig Cop in the room and some guard Pig Cops. The General walks up to each of them and asks them a question like "what is the pass code?" or "how many tanks are in your army?". The first soldier doesn't answer so he goes "You are the weakest link, goodbye." And then he shoots the EDF soldier in the head and his head EXPLODES. The other EDF guys start shaking and one of them pees and poops in his pants and there is this loud FART SOUND. So the Pig Cop General goes over to the guy who pooped and asks the same question but the guy is too scared to answer so the Pig Cop General says "Private Parts, you have been voted off the island, give me your torch." And then the he punches through the soldier's chest and his hand is holding the EDF soldier's HEART.

The General eats the heart and FARTS even louder than the EDF soldier did. Then he walks over to the next soldier and asks the same question. This guy is tough and says "Nuts to you, porky!" and so the General takes out his MAGNUM REVOLVER and takes all but one bullet out, then spins the cylinder. He puts the gun up to the guy's head and says "No Whammy…No Whammy…No Whammy………STOP!" and then he pulls the trigger and there is a click. Then all of the sudden a Red Octabrain busts through the window and says "I cannot tell a lie, you're BROKE!" and it eats the guy's head. Then the last guy starts telling the Pig Cop General all of the information he was asking about.

Intense drama and high comedy! Who could ask for better? 3D Realms could, because they demand quality. I am the man to provide them with that quality. Let's try something a little more cinematic.

A Pig Cop drives an armored carrier down the streets of Las Vegas at top speed with an EDF soldier clinging to the front. It careens through barricades and smashes through the side of a building and barrels through apartment after apartment, emerging on the other side. Right into an EDF AMBUSH! Rockets are fired by a series of EDF soldiers and the APC flips up into the air and then a jet fighter swoops in while the APC is in mid-air and it goes into a BULLET TIME to show the jet shoot a missile that hits the APC. But the Pig Cop is halfway out of the top and as the APC EXPLODES in a massive fireball the Pig Cop is flung down the street and lands on a toilet in a bombed out apartment. He FARTS really loud and we see that there is a gas pipe leaking too making the joke twice as funny.

Then the Pig Cop pulls out a cigar and sticks it in his snout and flicks a lighter. It takes a couple tries and then on the third or forth try a flame appears and quickly grows into a MASSIVE GAS EXPLOSION that throws the Pig Cop into the air just as the jet flies overhead. The Pig Cop lands on the canopy of the jet fighter and punches through the glass and throws the pilot out of the plane. The Pig Cop takes over and strafes the EDF soldiers on the ground, then turns the plane to ATTACK DUKE!!!!!

That sounds just like a movie I once saw…no…a dream I once had. What about some pre-scripted romance for Duke?

Not without my octabrain daughter!Duke is patrolling the corridors of Area 51 when he hears a scream from behind a locked door. If he batters the door open inside he will find a HOT STRIPPER with a Pig Cop tearing at her panties trying to rape her. The Pig Cop will turn to Duke and say something really nasty like "wait your turn, punk" or "this babe is mine, butthead". Then you (DUKE) can punch the Pig Cop or shoot it or something and if you kill it without hurting the stripper the stripper will hug you (DUKE) and say "thank you, as a reward I want you to give me a baby". Then she will kiss Duke and her belly will get bigger and bigger as they kiss. Then she'll start flashing red and there will be a huge EXPLOSION and the stripper's guts will be everywhere and then there will be a little Octabrain there and it will say "HAHA WE TRICKED YOU, DAD!" Then there would be a really intense battle between Duke and his daughter.

That's all I can come up with right now, but if Take 2 Interactive can just give me eight years and millions in floating capital I'm sure I might be able to come up with a couple more. Oh yeah, I totally went there.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)