The Perfect Crime FAQ

STEP #1: Find your target.The following document is a FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) guide to committing the perfect crime.

Q: What do you consider to be "The Perfect Crime," exactly?

A: Many people think that the perfect crime involves getting away with murder, but this simply is not the case. The true definition of the perfect crime is a crime so flawless that even on the off chance that you do get caught, there is nothing the police or the victim can do about it!

Q: Then what specifically is "The Perfect Crime?"

A: The perfect crime is shooting your neighbor's dog through a chain-link fence with a tranquilizer dart launched via an ordinary household straw.

Q: How is that "The Perfect Crime?"

A: It's the perfect crime because -- no matter what -- you'll get away with it.

STEP #2: Shoot tranquilizer dart through fence.Q: But what's my motive for doing this?

A: Your motives are the following:

To get your neighbor's dog to stop barking.

To get revenge for the childhood injury inflicted upon you by a beagle named "Candy" who bit you above the eye when you simply tried to jump on her back and ride her like a horse. You're just lucky no one can see the scar from that attack, thanks to your bushy eyebrows.

To commit the perfect crime.

Q: What if there are witnesses? Can't the police arrest me for this?

A: Nope. What can they arrest you for? They can't arrest you for animal cruelty because by the time they get there, the tranquilizer will have worn off and the dog will be back to normal. It's going to take awhile for the police to show up anyway since most cops have better things to do than investigate unconscious canine crimes.

Plus, they can't charge you with trespassing since you shot the tranquilizer through the chain-link fence. You never actually stepped onto the other person's property. And they can't get you for weapons possession since you used a harmless straw to deliver the tranquilizer dart's non-lethal payload. Finally, the dog will be unable to testify against you in court because he/she is a dog.

STEP #3: You did it! "WE'VE GOT A DOG DOWN!"Q: May I perform "The Perfect Crime" on Lassie?

A: Yes you may!

Q: Where do I get the tranquilizer darts?

A: eBay.

Q: Won't the dog's owner notice the tranquilizer dart sticking out of their dog and immediately be suspicious?

A: Not if you use tranquilizer darts that instantly biodegrade on contact... idiot.

Q: What if my neighbor doesn't have a dog?

A: Move.

Q: What do I gain from "The Perfect Crime?"

A: You will gain peace, quiet, and the warm fuzzy feeling that comes with knowing that you just committed the perfect crime! You're a master criminal!

STEP #4: The police will say, "congratulations sir you have committed the perfect crime you have won there is nothing we can do!!"Q: But if the cops do come and they do figure out you tranquilized the dog, then what will they do?

A: They will shake your hand and congratulate you for perfectly executing the perfect crime. They know there's absolutely nothing they can charge you with, so they'll just compliment you on your brilliance and go back to planting drugs on minorities.

Q: After I commit "The Perfect Crime," what should I do with the straw?

A: Blend the following ingredients in your blender: 1 cup pineapple juice, 1 egg (optional), 1 tsp vanilla, 1/4 cup Milk, 1 small Banana (sliced). Sugar to taste, pour into a glass, drink up with the assistance of your loyal straw, and toast your sweet victory. It's the perfect way to celebrate the perfect crime!

Daily Dirt

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– Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen