The Key to Peace in the Middle East is My Charisma

I assure you, worm, that I am a most charismatic individual. You may think me arrogant, cold, bloodless, flaccid, or vaguely menacing. You may compare me to a dead fish or a body pulled from a frozen river and dressed in a child's suit. But this is your mistake. I possess boundless charisma that I hold in reserve for the moment it is needed.

When father asked me to put together a peace plan for Israel I took it upon myself to read seven books and countless web articles about the subject. I assembled a team of experts to prepare for me the bones of a plan for peace. With this fleshless skeleton assembled, I began the process of birthing out tissues, sinews, blood, and fat in a metaphorical sense from my brain. In this way, I spun the meat of an entire body I call peace. Ah, yes, but what is a body without life?

For I am not Geppetto and no wish will give this body life. I must harness my charisma for that. I must emerge from one of the lightless alcoves installed at my direction throughout the royal residence and instead of pinching my lips and staring with black eyes as I do at the menials, I will instead present a smile and speak at length about the need to end resistance to Israel's settlements. After I have given my peace terms to the Palestinians I shall await their surrender in my games room. This is where I go to while away the hours with my friend Mohammad Bin Salman.

MBS! My dog. My main man. He is all about peace. He will break bones, cut off fingers, and dissolve anything in a bathtub for peace. He said to me, "Jared. King. You should come to the island where I hunt Houthis from a Land Rover. You can shoot the mini-gun."

I had to tell him that I do not have any sweat glands so I cannot do anything that makes me exert myself or I will overheat. He said I could hunt with one of the drones he bought from father and I blew up three cars and an entire wedding party on the island. Very exciting stuff. He gives me such wonderful advice. I told him about my peace plan for Israel and he became very excited. He explained the only way to secure peace in Israel was to kill Qasem Soleimani while he was in Iraq. I asked him how this would help and he said, "Trust me, Jared. Or should I tell Mark Zuckerberg about this plan?"

Mark. The bitch. I hate him with my life. He thinks just because he has half of my blink rate and a two degree lower body temperature he is so much better than me. I will show him. Some day I will be hunting him on the island with one of my drones.

Until then, I shall pursue peace. And my charisma shall transform the world.

– Jared Kushner (@sexyfacts4u)