I Now Pronounce You Husband and Husband!

Up until now, only these people could get married. Well not these two people in particular, I mean a man and woman.

Americans across America and many countries which are not currently America but are scheduled to be converted within the next decade are abuzz with the news of legalized gay marriages! Everywhere you go it's "gay marriage this" and "gay marriage that" and "what the fuck are you talking about, 'gay marriage this' and 'gay marriage that' don't make any sense and you're just holding up the drive through line sir." You can't travel anywhere these days without hearing the latest breaking news updates about the continuing struggle to modify the sacred process of joining a man and women into something which either includes two men or two women but certainly not a combination of either. Why just today I was using the Internet when suddenly an article about gay marriage magically appeared on my screen after I clicked a link on CNN with the words "gay marriage" in it! This proves how the incredible phenomenon of homosexual relations has truly invaded every aspect of our lifestyle, particularly our lifestyle of clicking on links with the words "gay marriage" in them.

THE GOOD NEWS: Gay marriage is kind of legal in Massachusetts.

Massachusetts court rules ban on gay marriage unconstitutional - The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court has cleared the way for lesbian and gay couples in the state to marry, ruling Tuesday that government attorneys "failed to identify any constitutionally adequate reason" to deny them the right. In a 4-3 ruling, the court gave the Massachusetts state Legislature six months to rewrite the state's marriage laws for the benefit of gay couples.

THE BAD NEWS: Gay marriage is highly illegal in Ohio.

Ohio governor signs bill making state 38th to ban gay marriage - Ohio Gov. Bob Taft approved one of the country's most-far reaching gay-marriage bans on Friday, saying its adoption was urgent because the nation's first legally sanctioned same-sex weddings could take place as early as this spring in Massachusetts. The bill, which Taft signed in private, also prohibits state employees from getting marital benefits for their unmarried partners, whether homosexual or heterosexual.

THE EVEN WORSE NEWS: Japanese people are picking their noses, pulling out pubic hairs, smelling their socks, and peeing in the bathtub at an alarming rate.

Putrid pluckers, underwater eruptions the pick of horrid habits - Plucking nose hairs and farting in the bath can be nasty little habits, but Spa! (1/29) discovers that nearly everybody's got some torrid trait when they think nobody else is looking. Canvassing 100 men and women, the men's weekly discovered that among the many daily habits were 31 percent of gals who picked out their pubic hairs while on the toilet or in the bath, and 11 percent of guys used baby talk when speaking with a lover.

These people couldn't get married in most states, if not for their homosexuality, then for the fact that they're wearing baby clothing for Christ's sake.

At first glance you may mistakenly believe the United States government is sending homosexuals a mixed message. How does it make sense to have something legal in one area of the country and illegal in another area? How can people be expected to memorize which states they are married in, particularly when they are taking a cross-country jet trip and their marriage keeps getting annulled and reinstated every time they cross over a different state line? Additionally, why is "using baby talk" lumped by the Japanese into the same category as pissing in the bathtub and yanking out pubic hairs during work hours? I'll be the first to admit that I see absolutely nothing wrong with urinating in the shower just as long as nobody else has to use it and you haven't drunkenly mistaken your girlfriend's face as the shower. However, once you begin to analyze the states' decisions here, you'll begin to realize that they have created and enforced these rules for a very good, logical reason, although I'm not sure what that reason may be. It might have something to do with exchanging blood for oil.

Despite what the cranky old coots in Ohio may claim, there are plenty of advantages to legalizing gay marriage. I can name a whole bunch offhand and I'm neither gay nor married nor from Massachusetts!

ADVANTAGES TO LEGALIZING GAY MARRIAGE:

1) Homosexuals will finally be able to participate in the sacred, holy American tradition that heterosexual couples have enjoyed for the past two hundred years, the process of getting divorced.
2) The diamond industry will see a huge surge in sales of Legolas-themed earrings.
3) I won't have to read about the quest to legalize gay marriage in the news every fucking day and repeatedly have to see photos of really ugly lesbians who resemble David Carradine.

Of course there are certain disadvantages to legalizing gay marriage, ones which Fred Phelps and that one guy who yells a lot by the downtown Dairy Queen will be more than willing to share with you if you approach within a 50-mile radius of them:

DISADVANTAGES OF LEGALIZING GAY MARRIAGE:

1) According to many religious people, God does not approve of two homosexuals marrying each other. These people also believe that God honestly wants them to own a lot of firearms, have gigantic hair, and vote for George W. "H" Bush Jr. III.
2) The legalization of gay marriage leads to a very slippery slope. Once the United States Court approves it, what's to stop people from legalizing marriages between a pet cat and a pet dog? Or a pirate and a ghost? Or a Scientologist and a human being?
3) I saw a movie where two people were married and one of them killed the other one, so this might be unfair for homosexuals who don't want to be murdered, which I assume is a good majority of them.

I have no idea what these people are and if they could get married. I think they are space creatures, and I currently know of many laws prohibiting space creatures from getting hitched in the great ol' US of A.

While many anti-gay marriage advocates point to the Bible as a reference for condemning their unholy matrimony, scholars have recently unearthed the following groundbreaking facts:

1) In the Garden of Eden, God actually DID say "Adam and Steve," not "Adam and Eve." Everybody who has been saying "Adam and Eve" has been misquoting the original text, probably because the original page that story was written on had this totally huge coffee stain on it and you couldn't read most of the words there even if you squinted your eyes really tightly and shouted each word out loudly as you read them.
2) When Steve ate the forbidden Apple or the snake, I can't quite remember which one, it caused Adam to become pregnant with a set of manbabies who were both gay. One of these manbabies grew up to be Jesus Christ (the Son of the Lord), and the other to be Barabbus (a 50-foot tall ape-man with cybernetic implants allowing him the ability to launch a deadly barrage of missiles from his kneecaps). When a crowd of outraged citizens were given the choice to free either Jesus or Barabbus, they chose Barabbus because he threatened to blow up half the world with his nuclear flamethrower.

So now the problem is that while one state approves of homosexual marriage, most others do not, raising some interesting questions. If a gay couple in Massachusetts gets married and moves to Ohio, will they be arrested by the Ohio Marriage Police who will drag them off to the homosexual jail and annul their marriage at gunpoint? How does the US Government forcibly cause two people to become un-married? Do they have to perform a reverse marriage and get a Satanic priest to declare them "not married at all" while people run up and steal rice from the ground around them? Also why the hell would anybody, much less homosexuals, want to move to Ohio? I drove through that state once and the most exciting part of my journey was when I got pulled over by a state trooper who was so goddamn fat that it looked like he dined on a steady supply of deflated tires and human children.

It is legal to have babies, but just make sure they don't turn out like this.

More liberal conservatives have suggested a compromise for gays, an agreement which recognizes a civil union between two homosexuals that is exactly like marriage except it's not marriage, and since it's between two people of the same gender, could actually be considered the direct opposite of marriage. This would not only allow a homosexual couple to get a free piece of paper which reads "THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION HEREBY ACKNOWLEDGES THESE TWO GAY FOLKS TO BE FAKE MARRIED Y'ALL, YEE-HAW," but it also... well, actually I guess that's it. When my mom brought up the topic of gay marriage during dinner last week, she commented that "the only reason homosexuals want to be married is so they can get insurance benefits," and this makes sense to me because that's the only reason my parents got married 90 years ago. However, even if homosexuals are given the right to marry each other, they will still not be able to enjoy any of the 1,049 benefits and protections given to married people by the federal government, such as the permission to park in those grocery store parking lots spaces designed for pregnant mothers and the right to subject anybody who visits your house to a nonstop barrage of photos showing off each and every painfully banal aspect of your new kid.

As you can plainly see here, the issue is highly deep and complex like a Rubix cube that somebody threw into the cube from the movie "Cube," and there may not be a simple, easy way to resolve it without being forced to read the entire "Tek Wars" series of novels. And while our governmental officials are sitting around on their flabby white asses, talking about sport scores with each other and drinking deep fried pork protein shakes, they refuse to answer even the most basic question regarding homosexual marriages: say a man and a woman get married in Massachusetts. They are living a happy and joyous life full of trips to the grocery store, 9-5 work hours at the local oil change / fried chicken buffet joint, and weekend Pay-Per-View movies featuring Vin Diesel and a supporting cast of 1,000,000 explosions. Suddenly this marriage falls apart one day when the husband realizes he's always been a woman trapped in a man's body and he gets a sex change. If this happens, will the couple have to obtain a bonus marriage certificate, one specifically written up for homosexuals? Let's assume this happens and the couple is once again living in bliss. Then, one summer's night, the natural female stumbles upon a shocking revelation; she's always been a man trapped inside a woman's body! She goes to get a sex change and becomes a man. Now our loving couple consists of a man who used to be a woman, married to a woman who used to be a man. Exactly what type of marriage certificate would be required to grant this union? Since a male is technically marrying a female, could it take place in Ohio? Could a woman be "the Best Man?" Could a ghost and pirate be the Best Men? What about a Scientologist?

These are just a few of the many, many questions which arise when we attempt to tackle the rough subject of gay marriages. Oh well, at least the folks in Japan don't have to worry about this shit; all they fear is walking into a public restroom and seeing a pile of pubic hairs and boogers tall enough to resemble the Abominable Snowman. I guess at least we're moving in the right direction here.

I want you! I want the Stallion!

This is unprecedented! AGAIN! That's right boys and girls, WE HAVE EXCLUSIVE, AUTHENTIC EPISODE THREE SCRIPT EXCERPTS! I can't believe the luck, but forum goon David Boring managed to dig up some more pages of Episode Three script. And once he hit the proverbial paydirt, other goons were coming back with gold as well! The stuff in here is so good, I am now typing this from my local movie theather. Last time I was joking about sitting in line till Episode Three came out. This time, I'M NOT KIDDING!

This week we don't have pictures, but dammit guys, EPISODE THREE!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)