How to Deal With Your Bloody Nose

[BASIC] Pinch a tissue under your nose and say, "sowwy, I have a nose bweed" while you waddle out into the hall. Sure, everyone will think you're the world's biggest dork, but it's not all negative. After all, you'll have the opportunity to yank out a blood clot long enough to touch your heart. It'll feel like you're pulling your spinal cord through your nostril... in a good way. So at least you have that going for ya.

[ADVANCED] Cauterize yourself. End this misery now and never have to worry about a bloody nose again. All you have to do is risk a permanently disfigured face as you melt the sensitive line of flesh that separates your nose from your brain. The whole process should look like that scene from Predator, but instead of being a totally badass alien, you'll just look like the most desperate nerd of all time. Which might be pretty accurate already.

[BASIC] Apply grotesque amounts of moisturizer. Every night before bed, lube up your nostril as if you're prepping for some extremely niche fetish porn shoot. You should be snorting petroleum jelly until your sinuses overflow and you're hocking Vaseline loogies. Greasy boogers should be drooping down your lip at all times. General rule of thumb: If you can breathe through your nose you haven't used enough. Somehow this is deemed better than having a scab in your nose.

[ADVANCED] Stop picking your damn nose. I could say that you're pathetic, that you're a grown adult digging for gold. But I won't. You want to pick your nose? Fine. If you haven't stopped yet, you ain't ever gonna stop.

[BASIC] Ingest everything that spills out. As soon as you feel a bloody nose coming on, tilt your head back as far as you can so that all that sweet crimson liquid comes pouring down your gullet. This is the method most recommended by people who have never actually had a nosebleed, and, for reasons unknown, they will be the first to voice their opinion. So go on and chug your own life force. Gargle your blood. Give yourself a free lunch.

[ADVANCED] Put the blood back in circulation. This one's pretty easy in theory: jam some medical tubing up your leaking nostril, place a needle on the other end and prick one of your veins. What leaks out of the old beak goes right back in to the system. Or maybe what's in the vein will come out and you'll accidentally waterboard yourself with your own blood. I really don't know.

[BASIC] Stand over a toilet and just watch helplessly as your blood trickles into the bowl. Your nose will stop when it chooses to stop. For advanced users, spend this time diving into some existential misery. Tell yourself that there has to be more to life than this. Tell the dude banging on the stall door that you're going to need a minute.

[ADVANCED] Cool yourself. Put a damp rag on the back of your neck to slow the blood flow to your nose. Or, better yet, cryogenically freeze yourself so that the blood just stops moving completely. You can be somewhere between Encino Man and Demolition Man. Perhaps we will call you Blood Boy.

[BASIC] Do nothing. Just let it pour out and soak your shirt. Who cares? It's your blood after all. Do whatever you want with it.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)