Nintendo's New Console

According to the video game press rumor mill, it's all but certain that Nintendo will announce a new console by E3 (June 7-9) at the latest. Some sites have even claimed that the rumor has been "confirmed" by anonymous sources, which has all the attention-grabbing power of an official confirmation without any of the journalistic responsibility.

Always happy to turn baseless speculation into page views, most outlets have put out their own version of a "what we know" article, detailing the new system as if every attempt to do so in the past with other consoles hasn't been a total waste of time.

You know, I'm probably being too harsh. I should give the video game press the benefit of the doubt. Assuming that everything they've put out there has been 100% accurate, let's put it all together and get a complete picture of Nintendo's upcoming console.

The Name

The new console will be named the Wii HD because it is a Wii with an HDMI cable.

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The new console will be named the Wii 2 because it is a Wii with two composite cables.

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The new console will be named Project Cafe, after the actress of the same name.

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The new console will be named The Tea Party Is Right and it will sell like hotcakes as long as it's manufactured in the U.S.A. with a birth certificate to prove it, and no one gets their hands on the system from a handout such as a contest or Child's Play.

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The new console will be named Dolphin Revolution Megaton, as all consoles should be named.

Hardware Capability

The new console will be more powerful than the PS3 and Xbox 360, but not by much. Probably by a megahertz. Perhaps a gig. Maybe even a cloud or two.

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The new console will be exactly as powerful as the Wii because we don't need your open world games thank you very much.

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The new console will be more than twice as powerful as the PS3 and Xbox 360. We're still trying to figure out how it relates to the Sega 32x, since early numbers indicate that it might only be as powerful as 31 segas.

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The new console will exactly powerful enough to force all games to be rendered in standard definition, then upconverted to 720p and displayed at 20 frames per second in black and white.

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The new console will be so powerful that Nintendo will finally be able to render as much blood as they need to pull off a proper Mario game.

Controller

The new console's controller will have the standard WiiMote and Nunchuk, but the WiiMotion Plus will be built-in and there will be no wires.

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The new console's controller will be a touchscreen device, like the iPad, with buttons and joysticks that you can slap on with suction cups since that works so amazingly well. You'll be able to play the games on your television by staring at a screen between your hands. The best of both worlds!

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The new console's controller will not have any gimmicks. No motion sensing, no screen, no waggle. It will simply be an updated version of the classic SNES controller with the ergonomics of a modern controller like the Xbox 360.

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The new console's controller will be a life-sized animatronic model of Shigeru Miyamoto. You will simply tell him what you want your character on screen to do, and he will manipulate the motion-sensing controller, balance board, heart rate monitor, horse bag, and guitar for you.

Game Media

The new console will use the standard DVD format, since at last count a single disc can still hold 1001 amazing DOS games.

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The new console will use Sony's upcoming Blu-Ray Mini Disk UMD format, allowing consumers to watch the latest hits (such as Little Fokkers) in crystal clear still image slideshows.

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The new console will not use any media whatsoever. All games will be purchased online, then soldered onto the system's mainboard by a professional within 3 to 6 weeks.

Backwards Compatability

The new console will be fully compatible with all Wii games.

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The new console will be fully compatible with all Imagine Wii titles (Imagine Babyz, Imagine Dogz, Imagine Catz, Imagine Teacherz, Imagine Philosopherz), and no other games.

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The new console will not be compatible with any Wii titles, but will run all Tiger handheld games perfectly.

Multiplayer

The new console will feature the usual system of terrible multiplayer settings that were designed to protect children from child harmers. In order to play a game with someone, you will have to enter their 36 digit system code, the 52 digit code that came with their copy of the game you want to play, and the 10,000 digit code for their specific profile in that game. Also, if you wish to use a microphone, your voice will be modulated to protect your identity, then it will not be broadcast to the other player.

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The new console will feature built-in 3G and a fully integrated online ecosystem to easily facilitate matchmaking, friends lists, chat, and clans.

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The new console will feature no online capabilities, no wi-fi, and only one controller port.

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The new console will come with a built-in 300 baud modem.

Launch Window Games

The new console will launch with a library of games that live up to the excitement of the 3DS launch. There will be high res remakes of Super Mario Sunshine and Mario Party 8, a brand new Ridge Racer game, and an F-Zero game in which Miis race around three tracks littered with mini-games.

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The new console will launch with The Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword, a game that has been in development for the Wii for at least four years. Remember how Twilight Princess was actually a Gamecube game, but they went ahead and slapped some waggle controls on it to launch with the Wii, so it was a good game that didn't take full advantage of the new platform? Yeah.

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The new console will launch with new versions of all the games you loved as a kid, and they will be exactly as you remember them, but even better! A fully 2D pixel-based Mario platformer, Metroid with amazing exploration and mood delivered without a single printed or spoken word, Mario Kart with no bullshit items.

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The new console will launch with one or two exciting first party games, then maybe one worthwhile title a year amongst a sea of braindead cash-ins.

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The new console will only launch with thirty versions of Super Mario 64. They will not differ from each other in any way, including packaging and name, but there will be thirty of them. There will be no other games for at least three years.

Extra Features

The new console will feature a mysterious port in the back with bright green lining. It will never have any function.

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The new console will feature full support for every possible type of media you would ever want to consume. It will be your entertainment center. It will play music, movies, record television, make phone calls, browse the internet, download the newest jokes and recipes, display eBooks and digital comics, and control all of your home theater devices. In order to do all this, it will feature a front end that's sort of like the Xbox 360 dashboard, only somehow it will take even longer to boot and navigate, and feature more ads.

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The new console will feature a banana in the box.

Release Date

The new console will be released by holiday of 2011.

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The new console will be released by summer of 2012.

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The new console has been released. You've been playing it all this time and you didn't know it.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)