The News According to Russia

Pravda couldn't spell a ninth-grader.Have you ever been walking down a street and come upon two free standing walls parallel to one another? Did those walls then start screaming at top volume? Did they maybe offer to meet each other at a parking lot somewhere and fight to the death? If you answered "yes" then you have engaged in debate on the Internet. Screaming at a brick wall just got upgraded all the way to "two screaming brick walls" by the power of 21st century technology. Debating with people on the Internet is possibly the biggest waste of time you can inflict on yourself. Yet, even though I am keenly aware of the futility of Internet debate, I still engage in it from time to time.

In my time as a member of the Internet Debate Team I have learned one thing; if someone cites Russia's Pravda newspaper as a source then the argument is over. Pravda's English language website is so hilariously biased - not to mention sensationalist and inaccurate - as to make the entire staff of Fox News and CBS combined red with envy. Even that male escort Whitehouse press corps guy Gannon would have to slant his questions more and interject about UFOs and gargoyles to keep pace with the brain trust at Pravda.

In fact, Pravda is so bad that I would like to take you on a tour of a few of the many delightful articles that Pravda considers top stories. Let's spin the red wheel and find out what amazing yarns Pravda has for us today.

Cosmonauts suffer from low potency and psychological problems

Scientists of the Central Research Institute developed a special suit for cosmonauts, called Chibis. The suit bears some resemblance to metallic pleated trousers. The air is pumped out of pants, making blood rush to legs. As soon as the pressure decreases, pelvic organs receive considerable blood supply. The process is so intense that it can make some men lose their consciousness.

The successful operation of the suit suggested another idea: scientists decided to use the principle of the Chibis suit to develop a compact device to treat erectile dysfunction. The device looks like a conic bulb, which is connected to a discharge pump. The new invention of the space industry became a very effective device to retrieve potency for male patients. The device intensifies the blood circulation in the penis almost four times, normalizing all blood vessels. Yuri Gagarin, the first man in space did not have any similar problems. They say that Gagarin did not have enough time to be frightened - his flight lasted for only 108 minutes.

Read the whole article.

This article is extremely dry and mundane for Pravda. I just wanted to ease you into the surreal version of the world you're about to experience. I wonder how long it will be until there are entire webrings on the Internet devoted to cosmonaut dick cone porn? Chances are it already exists somewhere. I like the bit they tacked on at the end about Yuri Gagarin not being afraid of space. "Yeah, I was only in space for two hours, nowhere near long enough to get scared and lose my boner." Yuri Gagarin; hero of mother Russia, conqueror of space, and hard as a steel pipe.

Unknown fire and jelly-like creatures live in Earth's atmosphere

The most uneasy mentioning about the mysterious creatures of the sky belongs to researcher Robert Gardner. According to him, a transport aircraft of the US Air Force took off from an army base in San Diego in the summer of 1939. The plane, carrying 12 passengers aboard, returned to the base in about an hour, after it had sent an SOS. When servicemen opened the hatch, they saw that all 12 passengers were dead. The commander was the only person, who stayed alive, but he died in several minutes too. The dead military men had strange burns on their skin, but it did not become possible to find out their origin and what really happened on board the plane. Investigators determined that the crew and the passengers used their personal guns. The hull paneling of the plane was damaged with gunshots, as if the people were trying to kill a very fast enemy. Apparently, they failed to kill a mysterious creature.

Read the whole article.

Pravda loves UFOs, even if they are of terrestrial origin. I think the folks at Pravda have been watching too many episodes of "The Prisoner" and got fixated on those bouncing security ball things. Then they looked around on Google for approximately three seconds and decided it was fact. Fire and jelly-like creatures are the new Number Two!

Soviet Army fought UFOs

In 1985 near the town of Krasnovodsk the radar station under the command of Captain Valuev registered the disc-shaped object in size of 1,000 meters! The object was immovable, and some time later a small disc in size of 5 meters flew out of it and then landed on Krasnovodskaya spit. Patrol boats rushed to that area, but when they reached the distance of 100 meters from the object, it took off and flew one kilometer away. This happened five times. Then the object flew up at a huge speed, reached the bigger disc, which finally flew away spaceward.

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I've heard of "just the facts", but I guess when you're not actually using any real facts you're going to take that idea as far as possibly. "In 1985 a baseball player 5 feet tall weight 500 pounds played 5 innings at Krasnovodskaya spit. He pitched 5 strikes, 5 balls, and surrendered 5 base hits. Each hit traveled 100 meters spaceward at a huge speed." The Soviet military's past experience fighting the UFOs will serve them well, seeing as how Russia plans to beat the United States in the lethargic race to Mars.

Russia flies to Mars in 2014, USA's Martian mission slated for 2030

Russia will fly to Mars in 2014, whereas the USA will do it after 2030. The countdown has already started. Technological opportunities of the two countries are more or less identical, but the USA has a significant advantage - money. Russia in its turn has a vital need to take the scientific industry out of stagnation and retrieve the image of a leading technological superpower in the world.

Read the whole article.

The good news? Russia is sending a manned mission to Mars in 2014. The bad news? Russia is sending a rocket full of corpses to Mars in 2014. The real news? Russia will be talking about their Mars mission infrequently and then just stop mentioning it altogether around 2013. Besides, why do they need to go to Mars when they've already been to Mars?

Russians conquered Mars 30 years ago

People have got so much used to the issue of space that it is somewhat boring for us. This is the reason why majority of us are not aware of unique projects carried out by Russian scientists, engineers and investigators. In fact, preparation for a manned flight to Mars started in Russia 30 years ago.

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Mars? Been there, done that. It was all so dreadfully boring that we Russians just grew weary of the space talk and stopped caring about it. Yes, yes, Mars, defeated the UFOs, it's all over silly Americans. People in Russia are so terribly tired of hearing about space that just the thought puts us to sleep. Except for our cosmonauts, who lose their boners in the face of the sheer horrifying abyssal void of endless night.

Jesus Christ born in Ukraine

His son Jesus Christ was born practically weightless-only 2 kg 670 grams. Doctors declared him "almost healthy." The priest took a long time to decide who will baptize the baby. His wife Natalya offered one candidacy, Leonid Yarmolnik. He however declined the role of John the Baptist. In the end, the priest baptized his baby boy himself.

Jesus' first words were "na"[take it] and "dai"[give]. Jesus already understands that one should not only 'give' but also be able to 'take' in order to survive on this planet.

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You would think pretty much every article following this one would be about Jesus Christ. "Christ soils self, coos happily." "Jesus Christ shines light of God on mother's car keys." "Wisdom of the Lord expressed by thrashing Fisher Price Kick N' Play Piano." Come on Pravda, we all know that Jesus Christ was reborn in 1987 in New Jersey and was promptly shot through the head by a CIA clone assassin. It's too bad he's dead, especially since…

Israel opens gates of Hell

The murder of Sheikh Ahmed Yassin at dawn today as he left morning prayers at a mosque in Gaza City in a missile attack by an Israeli military helicopter provoked Hamas, the group of which he was the spiritual leader, to declare that Ariel Sharon "has opened the gates of Hell".

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That one was a bit underwhelming considering Pravda's content makes an article about Israel literally opening a gateway to Hell all too believable. Instead we get a quote headline minus the quotes. But hey, if a gateway to the underworld isn't up your alley we always have a time portal!

Time Can be Turned Back

In a little while, the researchers brought the weather balloon back to the ground with the help of a rope attached to it before. They were extremely surprised to see that a chronometer set in the weather balloon displayed the date of January 27, 1965, the same day 30 years ago. The experiment was repeated several times after the researchers found out the equipment was in good repair. But each time the watch was back it displayed the past time. The phenomenon was called "the time gate" and was reported to the White House.

Today investigation of the unusual phenomenon is underway. It is supposed that the whirl crater above the South Pole is a tunnel allowing to penetrate into other times. What is more, programs on launching people to other times have been started. The CIA and the FBI are fighting for gaining control over the project that may change the course of history. It is not clear when the US federal authorities will approve the experiment.

Read the whole article.

What this article fails to mention is that the Russians beat the CIA and the FBI to the time portal and have already used it to their advantage. They sent cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin back through time with his fearless erection and had him land on Mars in 1975. Unfortunately for Gagarin, the Russian people were already tired of infinite space and his achievement went largely unnoticed. Maybe it was this time-bending journey to Mars that brought the war for civilization to our unready planet!

Russia and Iran join efforts to struggle against invasion of UFOs

Iranian mass media, meanwhile, are distributing more and more information about extraterrestrial threats to the nation's nuclear objects. The flights of unknown objects in the air space of the country have become much more frequent lately, the Resalat Daily wrote. According to the newspaper, unusual luminous objects were spotted above Busher and Natanza, where nuclear facilities are located. One of the objects exploded in the sky, eyewitnesses said. The Iranian defense department is trying to pacify the anxious population. "We have developed plans to protect nuclear objects from any danger. The Iranian Air Force is on alert and ready to fulfill the duty," General Qarim Gavani stated.

Read the whole article.

Translation: Russia and Iran join efforts to fail to shoot down US spy aircraft. If there really were an ongoing invasion of the world by aliens I think Russia and Iran would be pretty low on the list of who I would want saving us from them. My money is on Japan and their giant robots. Too bad Pravda has yet to write an article detailing those.

I hope you enjoyed our little visit to the headlines of the near East.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)