Notes from Last Night's NASA Press Conference

For those of you who missed the big NASA press conference last night, I went to the trouble of taking some detailed notes. It has been an especially stressful time for NASA given the disaster that occurred, and you can tell they are straining to come up with solutions to help the astronauts and cosmonauts still in danger.

• NASA man with ponytail is taking stage and fiddling with microphones. Press conference should start any minute now. Wil.i.am is in the background looking awkward for some reason.
• Powerpoint screen is up behind podium. First slide says "Unplanned Introduction of Canine Element Into Artificial Space Habitat."
• NASA man is announcing the rumors are true, that a dog is loose aboard the International Space Station.
• NASA is reporting that the dog is a black Labrador and it is very, very unahppy.
• Dog somehow got aboard the Dragon capsule that docked on May 25. Still investigating how that happened but believe the cause to be "human error."
  
• NASA attempted to keep dog under wraps until it had a better understanding of the situation.
  
• Slide showing 3d wireframe model of canine rotating.
• NASA/Expedition 32 crew don't know the dog's name, but they are calling it "Orbit." Russians are calling it "Laika" after famous test subject.
• Dog is reported to have smelled like bacon its first few days aboard. May have consumed bacon before boarding Dragon capsule. Does not smell so good now, according to NASA guy and Expedition 32 crew.
• On its first day aboard the dog became nervous and started biting its rump, inadvertently locking itself into an uncontrolled spin. Cosmonaut Gennady Padalka was able to intercept the dog and reset its orientation.
• The dog has lost bladder control on multiple occasions, dispersing urine and fecal matter in concentric rings around its body. Astronauts have been using the robotnaut's mechanical arms to capture the particulates before they damage equipment and compromise environmental integrity.
• Dog attempts to fling back legs after defecating. Sometimes legs make contact with station walls, causing the dog to run circles around the modules. The dog is able to accelerate to dangerous speeds doing this, requiring very precise countermeasures from astronauts.
• The Expedition 32 crew has observed dog showing remarkable grace of movement in zero gravity, but only when attempting to eat its own vomit.
• Dog may have done damage to the Environmental Control and Life Support Systems (ECLSS) when it began methodically gingerly gnawing on some tubes with its front teeth.
• Dog reportedly has difficulty drinking water in zero gravity. Astornauts have been attempting to feed it by way of a pressurized hose firing at close range, which it frantically tries to bite at.
• Earlier experiment in playing Black Eyed Peas song or dog produced no interesting results.
• Dog does not understand concept of fetch in a three dimensional environ.
• Dog ate experimental cactus garden, became irritable and hostile toward Expedition 32 crew.
  
• NASA guy says that "venting the dog" is not a possibility at this time.
• NASA guy just played slide showing computer simulation of dog exposed to vacuum of space.
• Awkward "dogs don't like vacuums" joke. Press nervously laughs.
• Dog is especially uncooperative with Flight Engineer Joe Acaba, and frequently steals and guards his rations. Joe Acaba has lost weight significantly faster than his fellow Expedition 32 crewmates as a result.
  
• Dog mostly occupies the cupola, where it tries to stick its head out the window and frequently licks the glass, requiring careful cleaning from astronauts.
• Possibility astronauts may try to take dog on spacewalk in hopes of calming it down.
  
• NASA guy says dog frequently grunts, "expectorates" and rubs rump on important consoles.
• Dog frequently barks and howls at Ground Control, interfering with communications.
• Flight engineer Sunita Williams has been attempting to fashion a diaper for the dog, but it is difficult to install due to dog's unpredictable movements.
• ISS crew has been unsuccessfully attempting to tether dog to treadmill in attempt to wear it out.
• NASA believes there is a very low probability of dog assuming control of ISS, not developing any contingencies for that.
• Press conference is wrapping up. No ETA on dog retrieval but Soyuz capsule may become necessary.

Special thanks to Payload Specialist David Thorpe for helping present these accurate and truthful notes.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)