My Conspiracy Theories

The Internet is covered with a thick jungle canopy of conspiracy theory websites. Majestic 12 did this, FEMA did that, chemtrails are pacification chemicals used by the government to support the alien agenda; it's all a load of bunk as far as I'm concerned. Yet, despite my casual dismissal of most conspiracy theories I have found the rationale of the conspiracy theorists creeping into my brain. I don't believe their "evidence" or "theories" but years of sifting through their terrible websites has left me with a taste for their perverse logic. They use the reverse of Occam's Razor. The most implausible and convoluted explanation for everything is always the real super-secret truth that a mysterious "they" don't want you to know.

A few days ago I found myself with a sort of sickness; one of those vague malaises of the mind that would likely appear as "hysteria" in an 18th century medical textbook. I was unintentionally rationalizing every question I asked myself as if I were a conspiracy theorist. Once I became aware of what I was doing I decided to run with it and just started observing the world around me through my new eyes. It was sort of like that scene in "Interview with a Vampire" where Brad Pitt is seeing the world for the first time after becoming a vampire only I wasn't afraid the whole time that Tom Cruise might do something really gay to me. Although I should add that I do live in constant fear of Tom Cruise, but only because his outspoken support of Scientology makes me afraid that he and John Travolta are going to slide in through the windows like in "Minority Report" and try to give me an E-Meter reading.

I kept my promise and Tom Cruise kept his distance, allowing me to negotiate the new and confusing spaces my mind had just like, totally been blown away to. What follows are revised and slightly clarified versions of the hastily scribbled notes I took during my conspiracy theory Vision Quest. If things don't completely make sense I think that means that everything is working perfectly.

Beautiful Bean Footage: The dog is not a fiction. The dog is a truth. Vat-grown Canine Maximus PSYCHIC POWERS. Secret formula = work of J. Edgar Hoover and Jimmy Carter. Soviet research stolen by CIA. Cosmonaut DOGS. Camp David holds secrets of Bean Recipe.

Magnets: Not our friends, not for compasses. SOURCE OF ALIEN ENERGY. Alien spacecraft impacts on earth showering planet with MAGNETIZED DEBRIS. The debris can affect brain waves and cause you to BECOME AN ALIEN SLAVE. Hypnopsychotronic capabilities ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR may turn you into a blood crazed murderer. STEREO SPEAKERS created with government help to amplify PSYCHOTRONIC RADIATION and ENSLAVE the human race.

Cream Filled Donuts: Look again. The entryway expands to larger INTERNAL chamber. Not possible with filling tools. RAVENOUS alien cream worm. Also pudding and jelly worms. Burrows madly through donut's soft shell and EXPLODES showering sugary entrails inside donut. WEAPONS GRADE. Handle with caution. MIB CONNECTION?!?!

Yellow 5: Coloring in MOUNTAIN DEW and other products is used to erase memories of alien abductions and implantation procedures. The chemical makes you OBEDIENT and can DECAY YOUR SHORT TERM MEMORY. Blackouts after drinking soda may be result of Yellow 5 and ALIEN ABDUCTIONS.

Hot Pockets: Delicious taste or DELICIOUS EVIL? Company is subsidiary of NESTLE which is partially owned by DOW CHEMICAL which is operating under ALIEN AGENDA. Hot Pockets are physically addictive and FATTEN YOU FOR THE FEAST. I cannot stop eating them. I will be ready to be HARVESTED SOON. Hot Pocket Company operates INTERGALACTIC STOCK FREIGHTER to transfer human LIVESTOCK to rings of Jupiter for Reptilian SNACKS.

Unleaded Gasoline: Regular gasoline is OKAY. Unleaded gasoline replaces lead in gasoline with chemicals that BLOCK OUT THE SUN. Attempt to undermine clean SOLAR ENERGY and DEPOPULATE EARTH by killing off crops. Secret bunker will allow ELITE SERVANTS OF ALIEN AGENDA to survive the THOUSAND YEAR WINTER. Aliens will help transform the planet into a GRIM CITY OF ROBOTS. Like in prophetic film THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER.

Cigarettes: Government bans smoking to LOWER DEFENSES. Cigarettes STRENGTHEN the body and mind against ATTACKS. Attempts to drive up the cost of cigarettes is because NICOTINE acts as a BRAIN SHIELDING CHEMICAL. Government BLIMPS are beaming NEUTRINOS into your body without your KNOWLEDGE OR CONSENT. This makes you more willing to vote for ALIEN ALLIED REPUBLICANS.

Pornography: Pornography is psychologically addictive but CODED SUBLIMINAL ENGRAMS make it physically addictive as well. Frequent masturbation strengthens dominant arm! One arm needed in FUTURE FACTORY for press operation. SLAVE LABORERS will have all limbs severed except for the one and will work to PRODUCE WEAPONS FOR WORLD DOMINATION. Trilateral Commission owns ALL PORNOGRAPHY. Including MIDGET Porn.

Vitamins: Eat a vitamin on an empty stomach. Do you feel your GUTS CHURNING? With a full stomach you won't notice the BURROWING TRACKING DEVICE. This transmitter reads your DNA CODE and encapsulates it, then burrows next to your HEART. It draws energy from your circulatory system and uses your body as an ANTENNA to transmit your exact location to a super computer located in the 99th sub-basement of the Pentagon. A SATANIC CABAL of neuro-indoctrinated eunuch drones monitor EVERY HUMAN BEING. The transmitter can also DETONATE at the touch of a button. COLLAPSE YOUR HEART. Obedience will be mandatory. NEW VERSION in drinking water by 2006.

Department of Sanitation: Garbage men are taking YOUR trash but leaving the GOVERNMENT'S trash. Department of Sanitation is interchangeable with National Security Agency. INTERCEPT cell phone, radio, and cordless phone transmissions with micro antennas disguised as YOUR GARBAGE CANS. Upload information to NSA processing computer CERBERUS. Three heads of DOG. Three spirits of GOD. MOCKERY OF CHRIST. Satanic orders taken from HUMAN SACRIFICES to the DARK LORD.

The Sony Playstation 2: Japan is ALIEN TERRITORY. Originally Mongols ruled Japan CONQUERED BY ALIENS 5000 YEARS AGO. Using advanced ALIEN TECHNOLOGY to sell consumer electronics to impressionable American youths. NINTENDO GAMECUBE produces passivity in humans and SONY PLAYSTATION makes humans aggressive kill-freaks willing to fight for ALIEN OVERLORDS. Mind controlled army of American teens will rise up and CONQUER WORLD in the name of JAPALIEN EMPIRE. Playing MICROSOFT XBOX will protect you from alien commands but will make you a slave of MK ULTRA.

Over the course of the day my mind unwound and spun out theories on everything from where candles REALLY come from to who REALLY put the "bop" in the bop-she-bop. I filled the better part of a notebook with my half-crazed musings, but most were too wild and incoherent to even attempt to post here.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)