Why Aren't More Millennials Worshipping the God-Emperor?

Like any child growing up in the 80s, my parents and schoolteachers taught me the importance of respecting and obeying the Emperor of Mankind, lest I be cast aside to suffer all eternity in the warp. My father, and his father before him, valiantly served the Imperial Cult, fighting from cemetery worlds to hive cities, protecting our freedoms from the dark evils of the Chaos Gods. Unfortunately, recent polls have shown that millennials are abandoning these sacred tenets, choosing to instead lead a life of heresy and sacrilege amongst the xenos.

Many critics of the church will claim that the desire to bring all mankind into the Imperium has grown outdated and does not seem "woke" (that is millennial slang for "tubular"). Back in my day, if I ever mentioned such an outrageous claim, my peers would've instantly corrected me by forcefully removing my own head from the remainder of my body.

Instead of redefining our ethos, I propose we "modernize" our temples of worship to accommodate millennials. Many shrines are viewed as dark and unforgiving to this demographic, but I strongly believe we can easily rectify this with a few easy changes.

As you can see here, the skull and scroll storage shelves are full to the brim, looking completely disorganized and lacking any sense of feng shui. I will not argue of the importance to easily and quickly retrieve a particular skull at any given point in time, but Costco sells drawers that could easily hold the same amount of skulls, without giving off the aesthetic of "there's a bunch of skulls here." You could even get a label printer and put a sticker on each section, like "SKULLS: BIG SIZE" or "SKULLS: NEW ARRIVALS."

Sitting through a sermon on such shoddy furniture seems like a no-brainer here, and it really won't break the bank to order cushions in bulk. If the Imperium of Man is worried about potential seat theft, then they can easily be rigged to explode upon removal. The wooden pews, combined with the bleak metal flooring, does nothing to enhance the acoustics, particularly during bloodletting rituals.

I'll be the first to admit that airflow and keeping the temperature down is fundamental to prevent distraction during revoking of the ruinous powers, but seriously, that fan is fucking HUGE. Pets and stupid children could easily fall into it and become meat. Why not place smaller air ventilation ducts on the walls? That would easily minimize the cost of heating / cooling, and the Adeptus Ministorum would not have to answer questions like "why does it smell like skulls in here," "what happened to my pocket change," and "why is my pet or stupid child now meat?"

Okay now this is just gross. Get a fucking mop or something.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)