Metal Gear Solid 4 Spoilers

METAL GEAR?!

• New feature: Metal Gear Solid 4's online "FanLink" option will completely cripple the internet if the game scores an 8.0 or less on any website. Make preparations to live in a world where your mother calls you every day instead of just forwarding hilarious jokes to your work e-mail. "I'll tell you why six was afraid of seven. BECAUSE YOU'RE SMOTHERING ME!"
  
• Answered questions: For six years, gamers have been demanding, "What happened to the baby of the chick with hairy armpits from Metal Gear Solid 2? You know, the baby that was only referred to in one line of dialogue?" You'll be able to sleep at night again -- so plan an intervention for your Valium abuse -- because Metal Gear Solid 4 answers this question. It answers the fuck out of it. You've never seen a question answered so thoroughly. Asshole.
• Director Hideo Kojima promises a more mature, intelligent story because, as he states in an included bonus interview, "I finally read one of those 'books' everyone is so crazy about."
• Black people: more than you can shake a stick at! But don't.
  
• Metal Gear Solid 4's main theme, "Standing on the Precipice of Hope and Foreboding, Waiting for the Snowfall of Justice" and its love theme, "The Arms of the Stranger Are Yesterday's Solace of Moonlight" are both performed by some lady who is really popular in South Korea.
• New feature: A built-in web applet will find and download every "LOL Solid Snake is old!!!" webcomic update that will inevitably happen on the week of Metal Gear Solid 4's release.
• You can now pause cutscenes, making it possible to play Metal Gear Solid 4 while roommates and loved ones lurk nearby. This will prevent the common shame-based suicides (imported from Japan) that usually happen when people are caught watching Metal Gear Solid cutscenes.

METAL GEAR?!

• That fucking monkey! Where is that fucking monkey going to turn up this time? You will be enraged and delighted to find out! (Also he may or may not be the final boss.)
• Thousands upon thousands of gun models have been painstakingly rendered with levels of pointless detail imperceptible to the human eye. Due to nearly 80% of the game being cut for time and budget constraints, only five of these guns made it into the actual game (three are playable).
• Answered questions: Will the mysteries behind Liquid Snake's phantom limb and other bizarre plot elements from Metal Gear Solid 2 be revealed? No, they won't. All surreal experiences from the previous games are written off as having been "a series of intense, almost lifelike nightmares" by Solid Snake.
• Instead of chomping down on a Russian mango or a mythological reptile to regain stamina -- as in Metal Gear Solid 3 -- a war-weary solid Snake merely has to whip out pornography and use his boner as some sort of divining rod to lead him back into battle. Note: This is not a joke.
• Snake doesn't die at the end of the game, but instead spends the rest of his life drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon at a VFW, which some would say is a kind of death.
• You will finally have a reason to buy a PS3 beyond the typical excuses of "psychotropic drug-influenced impulse buy" and "my friend dared me that I couldn't spend 600 dollars in the worst way imaginable. I showed him!"

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey