Metal Gear Solid 4 Spoilers

METAL GEAR?!

• Built-in Wii support: Metal Gear Solid 4 will use the PS3 to e-mail all of your friends with Wiis and inform them that they will never be able to play this game.
• Before starting a new game, the player is asked to use the PlayStation Eye digital camera to perform a complete body scan of a household pet. At a certain point in the game, Solid Snake will become hungry and proceed to slowly butcher and eat your digitized friend after suffocating it with a plastic shopping bag. This scene cannot be skipped.
• Fans still bitter about Raiden's role in Metal Gear Solid 2 shouldn't worry; director Hideo Kojima has included a special mode that lets you pound railroad spikes into the abdomen of this beloved character. Note: You play as Raiden for 95% of the game.
• If you shoot an enemy soldier on his birthday, his ghost will follow you around for the remainder of the game, lamenting all of the poor life decisions that eventually led to you shooting him on his birthday. Ghosts can only be destroyed with the ghost gun, which is invisible.
• New Feature: Metal Gear Solid 4's CliffsNotes sponsorship means you'll have plenty of help with understanding the plot and with writing your ridiculous master's thesis in philosophy, ensuring that no one will ever take you seriously.
• As a precaution for any possible delays of the Dual Shock 3, each copy of Metal Gear Solid 4 will ship with a bag of angry bees to inject (MadCatz Bee Injektor 3000 sold separately) into your SixAxis controller to simulate an actual rumbling experience. Those worrying about bee mortality can rest assured; all bee bags come with one queen, meaning that your controller will constantly be full of bees and ooze delicious royal jelly -- the original gamer fuel.

METAL GEAR?!

• Those following Metal Gear Solid 4 news are aware of the game's "Beauty and the Beast" unit, a group of super-powered, animal-themed enemy soldiers transformed by battle and modeled after real-life supermodels. What most gamers don't know about is their backup squad, called "Portrait of a Lady." And while not as beautiful, fearsome, or unnecessary as the Beauty and the Beast Unit, these other four super-soldiers will pose some kind of not-yet-defined challenge, and will also symbolize the harsh aftermath of war and motion-capture. Here are their in-game descriptions:
  
• Panda Cooper (Played by Nicole Eggert) - A lifetime of barrel-making (for war) has caused this dazzling beauty to question the use of barrels in a morally ambiguous world. Smearing her face with mascara in order to blend in with the pockmarked battlefield, her refusal to mate and general sleepiness make Panda Cooper a force to be reckoned with.
• Whiskey Badger (Played by Brett Butler) - What is the role of alcohol in a world torn apart by natural soil erosion? This is the question posed by Whiskey Badger, whose constant need of "a ride home" will inconvenience Solid Snake in the middle of some of the most intense shootouts ever rendered by video game hardware.
• Pollution S. McBadovich (Played by Staci Keanan) - Will our children be able to survive in a world of pollution inherited from their polluting fathers who are bad? Pollution S. McBadovich's public speaking skills will help inform Snake of the world's never-ending environmental peril, presenting the greatest threat this aged hero has even seen: monologue fatigue. Can Solid Snake's withered heart outlast her interminable death rattle? It will be a battle of wills not seen since the previous three games and all of the portable ones that no one played.
• Shampoo Land Receptor (Played by Rae Dawn Chong) - In a war-torn warry world of war, can women possibly cope with the unavailability of hygiene products on the battlefield? Shampoo Land Receptor is emblematic of the union of consumer culture and warfare that the world faces today. She also throws cannonballs at you and has a robot dog made of fire.