Maxim Letters: July 2009

We've got full Moon fever!

I've heard of Board Games, but Broad Gamers?
Speaking for all female gamers, I must inform you that receiving sexist trash like Maxim as a replacement for Electronic Gaming Monthly makes us feel marginalized and unwelcome. I subscribed because I wanted to read news, reviews and E3 coverage, not because I wished to ogle some frat boy's grotesquely objectified feminine ideal. Rest assured that I'll be pursuing a class-action lawsuit against the gaming industry for its discriminatory practices. Let the voices of female gamers be heard, loud and proud. Revolution girl style now!
Clare Dittlow Newark, NJ

Listen Clare, I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man. Haha, just a little 'Family Guy' quote for you, sweetie! But seriously, I'll bet you can really handle a joystick!

Flamed by a Flamer!
As a contributor to gaymer.tv, I can accurately say our entire community was none too pleased when our members started receiving Maxim in the mail instead of EGM. I know all about Maxim, having protested past offensive articles such as "Stall Tactics: Is the homo next to you at the urinal checking out your schlong?" and "Hold the Fruit: How to avoid gays while waiting in line at Orange Julius." Know this, homophobes: Next time you cross the line, we'll be waiting.
Christian Fees Raymore, MO

Christian, are you coming on to us? Because we're flattered, really, but we don't swing that way. Boobs!

Wanksta-proof Gem
I haven't read EGM for a while. The pictures make it look like Terminator Salvation has sweet graphics. Heard the loading times sucked, maybe that's why. It seems like you don't do "Tricks of the Trade" anymore, but I was wondering if you have any cheat codes for 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand. Thanks! Keep up the good work.
Angee Thorn Omaha, NE

Here's how you unlock "Candy Shop" for a gamerscore of 20: Lick the lollipop 'til you hit the spot. Or, complete Mission 3 on any difficulty. Hey, we didn't say you could stop licking! Now that's what we call getting blown up!

Moon Bloodgood, Boobs: OO, what a show!
Regarding your cover model: Wow, I'd like to Moon her Blood, good! She's frickin' hot enough to melt a cyborg!
Allen Ames Newport News, VA

Finally, somebody provides some "Salvation" for our Letters Page! It's great to hear from an average Maxim reader instead of these whiny EGM freaks.

Tomb Raider: The Lamest Revelation
I realize that you're trying to endear yourself to the EGM readership with little video-game references, but you're clearly in over your heads. For example, your books wrap-up on page 28 contains the unforgivable typo "Tome Raider." Epic fail!
Eric Williams Coatesville, PA

Eric, do you post on gaymer.tv? Because the dudes we know don't worry about spelling when it comes to Laura Kroft so much as the swelling in their pants when they look at her outrageous ta-tas! Booyah!

Maxim-um Carnage!
You should all kill yourselves and let the EGM writers and editors take over your jobs. Seriously, die.
Elton Prince Peekskill, NY

Elton, unlike you, we actually know people from EGM. We even asked one of them to write this headline! We don't know what it means, but we do know you put the "pee" in "Peekskill," you bed-wetting weirdo!

Taboo Boo Boo!
After reading your "Sex Checklist," I politely asked my wife of fifteen years to engage in one of the acts you described. She immediately left me, took the children and my beloved retriever Freebo, and has since filed for sole custody. I miss them so much, especially the dog. Thanks, Maxim, for ruining my life. Consider this my suicide letter. My blood is on your hands.
Christopher Peen Port Arthur, TX

If anyone would be sensitive to the plight of Christopher Peen, it's us. Peen-us! Whoa, didn't see that cumming!