Lowtax's Bad Back and a Brief History of Time

Jelly-Filled Humility And the History of Mankind

I threw my back out while eating a donut yesterday.

Yes, you read that correctly. I was standing around my kitchen, eating a rasberry-filled glazed donut that I bought from one of the ninety million Vietnamese-owned donut shops in Costa Mesa, when suddenly I got this incredible pain in my lower back. I don't know where the hell it came from or why it decided to manifest itself yesterday morning, but who am I to question the miracle of burning, throbbing pain? The moment it hit, I did the only thing I've been trained to do upon experiencing the slightest discomfort: I dropped to the ground and began whining and shrieking like a schoolgirl at an NSYNC concert.

At this point Spaz, my ever-faithful cat, decided to come by and survey the scene. Nothing attracts cats faster than the wailings of humans experiencing pain and misery, so Spaz was there in nanoseconds. I realized that since I live alone, he was my only hope. I had to act fast.

Spaz just continued to stare at me and give the infamous "my owner is a flaming jackass" look that all cats give before slinking away to hide under the couch for the next eight days. He began to lose interest and walk away, so I came up with an ingenious idea to buy me some more time: I faked even more pain, ensuring that he would stick around just to watch me writhe in agony a bit longer.

He creeped up to my face, looked into my eyes, and immediately began to start pushing my cheeks around with his front paws. This was borderline amusing for the first two seconds, up until the point where his claws came out and he was essentially digging gaping holes in my skull.

At that point Spaz ran off to lurk in another room because I assume he had his fill of human suffering for the day. I screamed for him to at least update my webpage, letting my readers know that I had died, but he didn't bother. Cats are just about worthless as far as pets go.

Although I accidentally went off on a tangent illustrating how cats long to see the day when the entire human race is crushed beneath a bunch of giant comical alien boots, my main point was supposed to revolve around the magic and wonder of the human body and its ability to adapt to its surroundings and environment. I don't know how the hell I ended up going on about my cat for roughly thirteen pages. What does mankind adapting and evolving have to do with me suffering a near-fatal injury while eating a donut? Simple: my body has evolved and adapted to my environment, creating new and exciting ways for me to be injured while performing the mundane, everyday events that make up my life. Mankind has a long and glorious history of adapting to their surroundings, which I will attempt to recall from my vague memory of Junior High School science classes.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME AND MANKIND'S EVOLUTION
BY RICH "LOWTAX" KYANKA, AGE 24

So, as you can plainly see, mankind has evolved greatly since we were tiny particles floating around the universe with table, ceiling, and toothpaste atoms. It should not surprise anybody that I, like everybody else, am continuing to evolve and adapt to my environment. You see, back when I ran cross country and actually worked out, my body was continuously looking for new ways to be injured. Twisted ankles, pulled muscles, broken foot... it would try anything to inflict pain upon me. However, things have changed a lot since my "fit and trim" highschool days. Once I entered college, I learned that there are more important and meaningful things in life that outweigh running down a busy street for 50 minutes a day. For example, there's beer. And there's frozen pizza. And there's White Russians. My body began to adapt to my new diet and everything was aces for a while. Unfortunately, my body was missing something crucial, something that I couldn't experience by failing to leave my house for weeks on end; physical injuries. Soon my body adapted to that, and now I find myself throwing out major muscle systems when I attempt to eat a donut. So I guess the human body isn't really that magical and wonderful after all. In fact, I now despise the human body. Just like my cat.

Movie Review! Movie Review!

I have taken the opportunity to review another festering pile of organic movie waste matter and pass the savings onto you, the consumer!Yes, we've got another star-spangled movie review for you to feast your bloodshot eyes on. Prepare yourself for...

"REAL SOULJA", PROUDLY FEATURING:

DRUG DEALING BLACK GUYS!	BUTT-UGLY WHITE WOMEN!
UNAPPEALING ITALIAN HEROES!	BARRELS! SHITLOADS OF BARRELS! EVERYWHERE! BARRELS!

Note that the title is called "Real Soulja", which could indeed be considered "hip" or "dope." This is because the video rights were picked up by African American-oriented distribution firm "Mack Video", a company which buys just about any shitty action film that was made in the 70's or 80's and featured a black guy who had at least four seconds of camera time, and then resells them claiming it's based around the black guy. Heck, it doesn't even matter if the film reinforces negative stereotypes of black men... in "Real Soulja", the only black guy is evil and sells drugs and guns.

As bad as that sounds, believe me, the movie is even worse. Check out the review and decide for yourself... and prepare to be shocked when you learn a very special character from Something Awful is featured in it!

D. Duck Hates You

Bjørnar B. has updated his high quality website with 4 exciting new drawing which will cause you to combust with joy. With such winners as, "D. Duck driving a converted sports car while he is asing him self what the heck is a converted sports car", I don't know how anybody couldn't help but love the kid and his artistic creations. Have a heart. Love a child.