The Lost Books of the Bible

Book of Encounters

Reason for omission: This sort of material is sufficiently covered by the book of Numbers.

Sample controversial excerpt:

18 The Lord did set forth in the path of the travelers a test of faith. And there were nine small men of the kobold tribe of the desert and they did wait in ambush. And the Lord said, Destroy these men, for they are unclean. And the kobolds were guided by a blasphemous shaman of the third level, and they did rely on their short bows to assail the spell casters of the party first.

19 The Lord did set forth in the path of the travelers a test of faith. And there was a creature of large size and it did have eight hit dice. And the travelers did know peril, for the touch of the creature would turn their arms to rust and their shields to so much scrap. And the lord did pronounce its encounter level to be three.

20 The Lord did place a fearsome challenge of faith in the path of the travelers. And there was a servant of the Beast of huge size, and it could use many spell-like abilities as a demonic wizard of the 20th level. And twice per day it could use its powers to be joined by one to three Cornugons willing to lay down their infernal lives in battle.

Chapter 5, the book of Encounters

Book of 16 Self-Insertion

Reason for omission: Chronologically impossible and contains a great deal of content that is of questionable moral value.

Sample controversial excerpt:

87 Dave Washington did strike down the last of Judas's Sith troopers with his holy blade. Judas was made to shout with anger and fire wildly upon Dave Washington with his blaster.

88 And lo, Dave Washington did deflect the blaster bolts and strike down Judas. He turned to the Madonna and he did take her in his masculine arms.

89 And she did tremble against him and her nipples did stretch the fabric of her gown and draw attention to the wineglass shapes of her upturned breasts. And Dave Washington did feel a stirring within his loin, and he did know Mary better than any had known her prior.

Chapter 288, the 16th book of Self-Insertion

Book of Blitzer

Reason for omission: Subversive message and apocalyptic visions that conflict with the tone of the major Biblical texts.

Sample controversial excerpt:

9 The chamber of situations did quake and tremble at the three upon three eyed face of Mammon. And a laugh of damnation did boil from the maw of the Beast.

10 And the flesh of Candy Crowley did liquefy and run out upon the ground like the tallow of a burning candle. And Jack Cafferty did bite and worry upon his tongue and his eyes were made to burst from their sockets.

11 But Wolf Blitzer was not moved for he did read the scrolling Word of God from the tablets. Mammon did curse his name Blitzer and the name of our Holy Father, and burning swords were his tongue.

12 And Wolf Blitzer heard only his ear piece and Wolf Blitzer saw only the words scrolling slowly up the tablet. And Wolf Blitzer did throw to John King at the house of white and question him upon the subject of illegal immigration.

Chapter 4, the book of Blitzer

Book of Fleshlights

Reason for omission: Confuses the Biblical message about the sin of masturbation.

Sample controversial excerpt:

6 Then Hezekiah walked upon the flatness of the desert and he did gaze upon the curve of the mountain. And Hezekiah knew his hand until his seed did fly upon the earth, but it was not good.

7 And Hezekiah walked within the waters of the cool stream and he did gaze upon the froth of the water over stone. And Hezekiah knew his hand until his seed was carried away by the waters, but it was not good.

8 Then the Voice of God was heard to Hezekiah and the Lord did say, Let the man weary of knowing his own hand be forgiven his sin. Let the man instead know a tube bearing a likeness to the soft loin of his wife, or the aperture of her waste, or a universal entry with no external features.

Chapter 3, the book of Fleshlights

Book of Evolution

Reason for omission: It introduces concepts deemed to be too difficult for the layperson to understand. It also undermines all other canonical books.

Sample controversial excerpt:

1 And God said, Let there be eukaryotes to populate the Deep, and let them congregate and multiply in such a way as to form symbiotic relationships.

2 And God called the symbiotic pairs multi-cellular organisms. And they were better than the unicellular organisms with which they were competing for limited resources in their environment.

3 And God said, Let all life spring in time from these humble creatures, and let their progeny distantly removed by time build a microscope to look upon them.

Chapter 1, the book of Evolution

It is not for me to decide whether or not these mysterious editorial boards were justified in declaring these books apocryphal. I am just a layperson, unfit to differentiate between the words of holy prophets and the words of madmen or heretics.

I can't help but think the book of Tha Dawg Pound should probably be in the Bible somewhere around Leviticus. It seems pretty spiritually important to me.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)