LIVE From Hurricane Katrina

With a major weather catastrophe looming for America's Gulf Coast I thought that nothing could better inform you about today's goings on than a 100% live front page update. Using advanced Internet technology and with the assistance of Luke Colliers our official Storm Samurai I will be offering you a glimpse into the heart of Hurricane Katrina. From midnight until six AM Eastern time I will be offering regular hurricane updates.

Let's check in with Storm Samurai, live on the scene from Baton Rouge, Louisiana!

STORM SAMURAI! Things are completely intense right now. I just got a pizza from Little Caesars and the dude said that I was his third to last delivery and then they are closing for the night and boarding up. He said they normally close around this time on Sundays but they don't normally board it up, so like, that is abnormal danger preparedness. The pizza also seems a little cold compared to usual so maybe the storm is effecting their ovens??????? Anyway, I am going to play that Def Jam wrestling game for a while to get really pumped about the hurricane so you can let me know if you need any more info.

Thanks, Storm Samurai! We will be posting updates on the storm's progress every 15 minutes or so with regular SA Dopplerscope Weathertron Scanograph views of Hurricane Katrina. We will also be checking in again with Storm Samura Luke Colliers, so stay tuned.

If you have any news tips or photos from the storm or just a question you can send them to the iHurricane eHotline.

Hurricane Katrina continues to move towards Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama. The hurricane dipped down to a category four hurricane briefly, but ain't nothin' stoppin' this show because she's back up to five baby! As CNN has pointed out there is almost no way this won't be the biggest disaster of the decade and, although no one is hoping for piles of dead bodies, keep watching because there are going to be bodies EVERYWHERE! Right now the people who were too slow, stupid or poor to escape have been herded into the Superdome for easier burial.

By using the power of the Internet I have summoned a picture of the storm from SPACE. I would do that google maps zooming thing to zoom from space, through the friggin' hurricane, and down to like a dude flipping the bird, but honestly that sort of thing is starting to become a little tiresome.

Storm Samurai, how are things looking on your end?

STORM SAMURAI! It's looking awesome, of course. I just heard this guy on Fox News talking about how the Superdome is going to flood and there will be dead bodies from the graves and chemicals from the factories filling the streets twenty feet deep. As you know, I am a survivalist at heart, and this sort of scenario really gets me excited. It is raining just a little bit but I consider this an omen, it is the sound of the horsemen approaching for the final showdown! My skills cannot be topped and I will reign over the storm-devastated lands.

Stay safe, Storm Samurai! Tipsters, we need your support to keep the information flowing!

Alright, I just heard a phone call with some dude on CNN saying that winds are sustained at 160 miles an hour and over, but hold on to your cunt because it gets better, the apocalyptic winds of hell are gusting up to 200 fucking miles per hour!!! That is like only a little slower than the speed of light according to a quick calculation in my head.

New Orleans, where the hurricane is expected to strike, is located inside a giant bowl according to CNN and surrounding that bowl are like dams to hold back water. So when the storm hits the dams are going to totally explode and the water will just fill New Orleans like a...like a bowl...of DEATH.

Storm Samurai, help me out here.

STORM SAMURAI! Zack, this is Storm Samurai, I am typing to you live from the Blogosphere. I have to say I think my graphics are pretty shitty here. Do you think you could like spice things up a little bit? Also it is raining still and I think I heard some extra wind on top of the usual but still no sign of the hurricane. WTF, I'm takin' a juice break BRB.

Well, I'll work on it Storm Samurai, but I've got to say this update every 15 minute thing is keeping me busy. Speaking of busy, let me prove to you just how much I care about your safety and the awesomeness of your impending doom! Send me some photos of the storm as it ravages your livelihood. Just send a message to the iHurrican eHotline!

According to sources of people I don't know talking on CNN there may be up to TWENTY FEET of water flooding Bourbon street in New Orleans. That is almost twice the depth of urine and spilled beer flooding the streets on an average night and I don't know if the street cleaning SWAT teams can handle that come morning.

Now is probably as good a time as any to note that the SA servers are located in Louisiana, so don't be surprised if everything suddenly explodes in a very awesome and natural disasterly fashion. Also don't be surprised if my spelling degrades at the adventure continues.

Speaking of adventure, who better to discuss such things than our very own Storm Samurai.

STORM SAMURAI! Hey, I just went outside and it is really starting to rain now. It's not crazy rain but I would call it pretty nuts rain. The wind is picking up and I can clearly see my novelty "BADA$$ Lane" sign swinging in the wind and the pussier trees are bending. In case of looters I am considering getting my katana out to protect myself. I am also listening to Bright Eyes and it is mellowing me out but I'm still fucken pumped! How about those graphics? Maybe like some patriotic junk since this is like 9/11 times fifty.

I'll see what I can do, Storm Samurai.

Reader Randy just sent in a link to another webcam that seems to be functioning. So check it out and then when you're done you can email the iHurricane eHotline!

Okay, I got around to adding an "e" to the word "Hurricane" on this update because I am about accuracy in these updates rather than rushed and breathless sensationalism. So they are saying that New Orleans might never be the same after it is completely submerged and then scoured clean of all non-aquatic life by the Biblical swells of floodwaters.

According to MSNBC the winds are slowing slightly to 150 miles per hour, but don't think this is going to be anything but fucking HELL ON EARTH. The reason is that it is slowing because of a storm eye wall or some crap like that forming and when it hits shore it is going to blow up like Hiroshima and jump to 175 miles per hour and gusts of like 10000 miles an hour or something. That sort of wind speed will shoot a gumbo pot through a strip club wall.

So, what's the good word Storm Samurai? What do you think of the new graphics?

STORM SAMURAI! Awww yeah! I think you still need to add a location on there, like Baton Rouge only you know what? I'm not in Baton Rouge I am in the Blogosphere, man. I exist as a fictional construct of the information ages. Ones and zeros man. Anyway, I am friggin' PSYCHED about this. The wind is really starting to pick up now and I just saw what I think might be a cat or possibly a plastic bag just flying the fuck all around outside. There is some lightning going on right now and I just think I saw a big fucking skull form in the hurricane clouds.

Jeez, okay Storm Samurai.

Reader Joe has sent me a link to an absolutely enormous space photo of Katrina that makes my other space photo look like crap on a butt plate. Look at the size of this thing! If you have tips or questions you can email the iHurricane eHotline!

Word is that three people from a nursing home have already died. The death toll begins. Are you excited about the death toll? I know I am! It is going to be huge! It is going to be like World War III out there only the Nazis are going to be CATEGORY FIVE WINDS!!! I am going to predict...hmmm...750,000 dead by noon tomorrow. That's before the alligators start in on the living.

Time for a reader question!

Could you ask the Storm Samurai how the animals are reacting to Hurricane Katrina? Are they freaking out, plotting to overthrow their human masters or are they taking it all in stride?

Sincerely,
Kyle N.

What say you, Storm Samurai?

STORM SAMURAI! Hey, sup Kyle? I'm just having a drink to keep myself pumped. It's some Bawls and ginger ale.

Okay, so Kyle, I saw on the news that they put some friggin dolphins in a pool so that they don't get totally blown away by the hurricane. I don't know, I would think they would be thinking this is totally awesome. Like what if New Orleans totally floods and they get loose? Man that would be their very own city. They would be able to rule over it. The start of a new dolphin civilization. But take over humanity? You're crazy, dude. Does a dolphin have a reverse submarine? No, they don't even have hands. They can't even hold a katana.

Oh yeah, and thanks Z-dogg, I'm diggin' the Blogosphere shit. That will earn me a lot of cred when I submit my next Deviant Art.

No problem, Storm Samurai.

Keep your tips, links, info, photos and questions coming to the iHurricane eHotline!

Even the usually cow-eyed and passive population has taken notice of the media blitz over hurricane Katrina. According to sources more than a million residents of New Orleans fled the city throughout the day and even as the horrible doom of Katrina approaches them like a flying ironclad of wind and pain they are still fleeing on the roads. What if all of the cars blow off into Lake Ponchitrain? Or that long ass bridge collapses? Man, forget my 750,000 estimate earlier. If that shit happens I am bumping my guess up to 9,000,000 dead.

BREAKING WEB EXCLUSIVE - forum reader "seppuku1" has filed a report on Florida storm preparations.

I have just put my girlfriend's two shar-peis to bed for the night. News was on, but I thought it was too high stress for their bedtime tv, so I changed to NICK AT NITE.

The Cosby Show is on. Denise is sewing something, and initial reports show that Theo is APPRENTLY wearing a Benetton sweater of some sort. We have no reports on casualties caused by Theo's sweater or Denise's home fashions. Will update if ALF comes on.

Whoa, I bet a few thousand will die in Florida from pudding pop related infection alone.

Let's check in with Storm Samurai Luke Colliers again. How do those balls taste, Luke?

STORM SAMURAI! Bawls, dude. I like Bawls. You're the one who...you're the one who eats balls. Hehe, I'm just kidding man. The storm is getting INTENSE and I am loving it because I am an intense guy. I am 100-110% fucking amped over this shit. I am just jumping around doing katas and focusing my chi for the coming battle against the storm. I think I am going to start preparing after I get done talking to you this time. Play time is over, ladies, it's time for the men to step - whoah - I just saw a half a fucking tree fly down the street outside. This is AWESOME!

Also, in honor of my katas I would like to change my name on the graphic from Luke Colliers to Luke-san or just S3ns3i.

Ugh, fine. This in from TV news: Fox News has just revised up their estimate of casualties from 50,000 to 75,000 dead. I still think they are totally lowballing this.

Keep your tips, links, info, photos and questions coming to the iHurricane eHotline!

Okay, so if you are reading this from a car you should pull off the road immediately and...I can't remember what the news said. I think you're supposed to drive into a ditch and then climb back inside your car and that should be okay. If you can find a rest stop then go there because they have pamphlets! That will keep your spirits up.

On to the reader messages, this one comes from Jordan L. who is in New Orleans right now.

hey my name is jordan, i live in new orleans and my family didnt evacuate for the hurricane. im chillin at my friends house cus hes rich and he has a huge house thats like indestructable. right now theres a bunch of rain and all the storm projections are saying that we're gonna get pretty fucked. i went outside a little while ago and the wind isnt that bad but rain is coming down in sheet. im waiting for the flooding the start. after the hurricane is over, if everything isnt washed away in an apocalyptic flood of death, i plan on stealing a canoe and paddling over to the drug store to steal alot of liquor, cigarettes, and enough painkillers and pharmaceuticals to make the chaos of the next weeks go by. incase i made typing mistakes i apologize because im also a bit drunk now, as i decided it would be better to be in a slightly inebriated state while the brunt of the storm hits. everyone else in the house im in is going to sleep but the storm is just starting to fire up. once the power goes out, along with alarm systems, im going to take t the streets for the looting, and then break into a nice house and have a party there for all my surviving friends, but most likely we're all gonna die. wish me luck though.

Man, I guess being about to die makes you sound like a complete fucking idiot. Isn't that right, Storm Samurai?

STORM SAMURAI! Yeah, that dude sounds like a giant pussy. Who has time for looting when you have battles to be fought? Why don't Jordan L(ikes men) come on down to my neck of the woods and I will draw my Hanzo steel on him and slice him in half down his spine. SHYA, I can feel my Chi building in my hands already. Anyway, dude, check out the hair? Is that fucking PIMP or what? As Abraham Lincoln said "at least I'll leave a beautiful corpse" and fucking amen to that but I ain't gonna leave a corpse I am going to weather the storm (where do you think the word weather comes from?) and I am going to go ronin on anyone who tries to take my Topps or Donruss baseball card collection.

Interstate 10 is still a river of headlights so all you guys reading this on the road, do what I said earlier or prepare to die!

I am really enjoying all the messages being sent to the iHurricane eHotline! Even if yours doesn't it make it into one of our Hurricane updates you can rest assured that I am reading all of them.

They just said on the news feed I am watching that the water in the bayou is flowing AWAY from New Orleans instead of towards it. I don't know what that means but everyone still thinks the world is ending so I guess it's like in the tsunami how the ocean pulled back and then came crashing in like a haymaker. They are also having gusts up to 90 miles an hour already hitting downtown New Orleans! Alright, here come the pain!

I've got a couple great reader messages this time around so let's move right on to those.

Hurricanes are massive low pressure systems; so if Luke plans on doing any baking, he needs to adjust his cooking times and temperatures to those recommended for Denver.

Walter S.
Florida State University - Meteorology

this update is quite nice, and i very much approve, though your poor reporter must be warned that my hurricane plans to bring the fury. the news is downplaying the situation, as anyone named katrina would tell you.

i request more infomation about neighborhood animals. its not enough to know about the dolphins.

thank you,
katrina e.

STORM SAMURAI! Alright before I answer any of that bull crap let me just show you this killa face. WU TANG, BITCH! There's gonna be a triple swarm of slices hitting that bitch of a hurricane. Right now there are all kinds of plants blowing around outside and the rain is starting to go sideways...all the easier for me to slice it with my razor sharp blade.

Okay, so walter, the only thing I am baking is a cake of MISERY for this storm. Do I need to adjust how quickly I kick its ass? I didn't think so.

As for Katrina, hey baby, 'sup? Are you fine, you sound fine. Send a pic and we will get to know each other I am 20, male, single, and I can focus my chi in more than just battle. Write back baby.

Ugh. The news is saying that what we are seeing now is just a taste of things to come. It's like when the river turns to blood or the locusts start falling: it sucks, but the real doomsday hasn't even started yet.

Great stuff keeps coming to the iHurricane eHotline! Even if yours doesn't it make it into one of our Hurricane updates you can rest assured that I am reading all of them.

According to that news feed all gabled roofs will fail! The center cannot hold! The appropriately named forum user SleepDeprived provided us with a screenshot of the incredible coverage work Fox News has been doing. The gist of this guy's rant: "you're stupid if you stayed because yousa gonna die!"

Is that the news scroll in the bottom righthand corner or are they telling us what emotion we should be feeling right now? I would be afraid if I didn't know that Storm Samurai Luke-san is on the frontlines fighting the good fight.

Jonny S. writes:

Hey Zach, my name is Jonny, and I am wondering if this storm will be so badass that it will reach my state of North Dakota. That would be fucking sweet because nobody here is prepared.

Jonny, I haven't seen any forecasts including North Dakota yet, but Hurricane Katrina IS travelling north and that means there is a chance that it could strike North Dakota. Based on the level of destruction it is causing as a category five in New Orleans my guess is that as a thunderstorm in North Dakota it will slaughter thousands.

STORM SAMURAI! The blade is coming out, baby. You can tell Jonny not to worry because I am going to stop Katrina in its TRACKS. Stone cold, GACKOW! I saw a charge move I can do on an anime my anime club translated and I think it is powerful enough to turn away the hurricane. It uses fire chi and since the hurricane is water and doom chi I think I can counter it. Also I am wondering if you could switch the USA flag on the left of my picture to a Japanese samurai type flag or something. That would be awesome, thanks dude.

Despite earlier indications Hurricane Katrina is still a category 5 and is located 135 miles South/South East of New Orleans. It's comin' for ya Nawlins. It's comin' for ya Superdome...or should I say SuperDOOM?! Your shelter will become a charnel house in the face of this storm's onslaught!

Tips, photos, questions, and breaking news are welcome at the iHurricane eHotline!

Some of you might not know this but Katrina hit Florida a couple days ago as a Category One hurricane which is like a fifth as strong as the current hurricane. What happened? Almost 10,000 people were killed, thousands are still missing, and that's just a drop in the bucket compared to the giant mega bucket that Katrina is going to create. Hurricane Katrina is set to devastate Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi. The good news? National literacy averages are set to skyrocket (thanks ReindeerF for that excellent joke).

Cassia writes:

storm samurai is hot. This is the best tragedy ever!

Storm Samurai, are you hot and is this the best tragedy ever?

STORM SAMURAI! I think you know the answer to both of those questions, ball-lover. Email that babe back for me and tell her to send me pics of her boobs. Right now looking out my window I can see winds that I would say based on my samurai senses are going at at least 300 miles an hour. A large cardboard box just blew past, probably a box containing a V-8 engine block or an anvil based on how it was moving. I am now projecting a field of my chi to protect my house from the storm.

Alright dude, wish me luck. This is it. I am going out there to deal with this fucking storm. Banzaaaiiiiiii!!!

I wish you well in your journey, Luke-san. May you honor your ancestors.

Tips, photos, questions, and breaking news are welcome at the iHurricane eHotline!

Okay, so as I'm writing this update I still have not heard from Storm Samurai, so I'm going to drag my feet a little bit and hope he shows up at some point so that we can find out how his battle went with Katrina. First off, as you may know tens of thousands of people have been crammed into the Superdome. Reader Sean R. pointed out that the majority of people being sent to the Superdome appear to be the elderly and mostly African Americans. He theorizes a Nazi conspiracy, I think it's just further evidence that White Makes Right! RAHOWA!!

SleepDeprived has provided us with an image of the cramped conditions inside the Superdome RIGHT NOW.

Man, what a way to DIE.

Here's a letter:

I'm in Baton Rouge right now and that Samurai guy is totally lying. It's kinda windy and it's very dark out but that's it. I guess it's because of the hurricane, you know, the clouds block out the sun. And your time is wrong, it's 1:39 here not 2:28. Get your times right.

I just heard on the news that Orleans parish is going to be totally underwater but 20% of the residents have stayed there and are refusing to evacuate! Also it's illegal to go outside right now in New Orleans yet people still do it!

Dude this shit is crazy. I hope we lose power soon, I can't wait to pull out my candles.

-Mike D.

Could it all be lies? Could Storm Samurai be nothing more than a fr...oh...wait. I'm getting something. Yes! Storm Samurai, how did your battle go?

STORM SAMURAI! Battle? I don't know what you're talking about man. The power went out so I am just trying to relax so I broke out my battery powered blacklight. Luckily I've got a couple hours of battery power on my laptop. Hey, since it's chill time do you think you could get some of this silly crap off there? Maybe put something cool off to the side like Hendrix or Marley or a peace sign or something. Man this is pretty crazy outside. Oh, and change my name to L-Dank. I will be L-Dank from here on out.

Wait a second...you...well, I guess it'll wait for the next update.

Tips, photos, questions, and breaking news are welcome at the iHurricane eHotline!

Breaking! Katrina has been downgraded to a HIGH CATEGORY FOUR HURRICANE. This changes nothing! New Orleans is still completely screwed. The streets will be beneath dozens of feet of water, alligators and corpses will be everywhere, chemicals and oil and raw sewage will contaminate everything. Hell on earth is not even delayed slightly, so stay very afraid.

Back to the real important matter. Storm Samurai, what the fuck happened? You had your samurai outfit on and your hair in little gay pips and people were freaking out over your disappearing-reappearing goatee. Now you're a gay cowboy strumming away in the blacklight. What the hell?

STORM SAMURAI! First off, what the H, bro? I said L-Dank not L-Vagisil. Second of all you must have smoked some bad carpet because I never said I was going to fight the storm. I said focus my chi which is like cinnamonous for "toke up on some nugz." So I smoked up, nigga. As for the cowboy shit, you don't know me and you don't know my style. In cowboy movies good guys always wear WHITE and I am a good guy. Look, I am working things out with the hurricane. I wrote a song for it.

Katrina,
took my job,
and my hanzo steel,
what's the deal?
Katrina.

Katrina,
took my dog,
don't take my life,
take my wife,
Katrina.

Katrina,
I bet you got tite abs,
like they grow them in labs,
your butt is hot too,
I love you,
Katrina.

Katrina,
let me see that ass girl,
I get ugg on you,
you can lick on me,
then you'll be,
my Katrina.

What do you think, bro?

I think you're a giant flaring horse pussy and I hate your song.

Tips, photos, questions, and breaking news are welcome at the iHurricane eHotline!

Some screeching idiot at the Hyatt hotel is saying it's "whipping pretty good" which I think means that the seventh seal has been broken and the vial poured out. Get your diadems ready folks, because the beast is coming and her name is Katrina! You can feel the deflation throughout the media over Katrina's downgrade to a category four hurricane. It's like a broken promise, they feel betrayed by the meteorologists. The one exception is Fox News who are carrying on as though no downgrade took place and are screaming about the deadliness and how thousands will perish tonight. This is going to be the biggest disaster in American history up until the very last possible window of opportunity.

One of our readers by the name of Charlie sent a message with a special makeover themed image just for immense-pussy L-Dank.

Dear Storm Samurai,

You need to get rid of that stupid fucking emo japanese haircut thing you have going on right now. Thanks to my l33t M$ Paint skills I have come up with a pic of you bald and at maximum hurricane kickass capacity. Tell me what you think.

Hugs and kisses,
Charlie

Aaaah! It makes him look like a demon with psoriasis. Surprisingly several women have confessed they are attracted to L-Dank, although those emails have slowed since he emasculated himself.

STORM SAMURAI! You know what, bro? You make fun of me all you want, you make fun of my music all you want, you can even mock my laid-back weed-smokin' lifestyle. That's fine, because some Internet nerd like you will never understand what it means to be L-Dank. That's all cool, like I said, but you don't EVER diss the way I pimp my womens. I drop trou in a crowded room of hot women and it looks like fricking dominoes bro. 30 minutes or less and those bitches be topplin' all over my balls. Gettin' 'em WET and NASTY like Katrina. I am a master of romance and I know a lot of secrets from my anime club. Bitch, I will be laying it on so thick they will be like Oooh L-Dank-san and theny will fuckin' prison-glomp my ass because they want my rod so much. Nose bleedin' and sweat droppin' and shit. DAaaaaamn.

Poseidon, rise up and smite this idiot!

Tips, photos, questions, and breaking news are welcome at the iHurricane eHotline!

Fox is continuing to flog this one for all they've got. They just showed footage of some knocked over metal railing. Oh the humanity!

As for Storm Samurai Luke Colliers, the ladies have sprung to his defense!

As many women that apparently would no longer bang Storm Samurai (whatever the hell he's going by now)? I do believe I might be desperate enough to still hump him.

...Then again,I don't know. My fiance's a lot more attractive...

Lisa

Cassia wrote back to defend the Storm Samurai's recent lifestyle change:

I'd rather sit inside with a hat and a guitar and get stoned than run outside and try to cut rain. What the hell is that going to do? Get the blade wet, that's what.

Even Millie C. has the hots for Storm Samurai, laying it on thick in a post script.

P.S. Your storm samurai could do with less clothing. I am sure that it would be fitting for him to meet the hurricane in his natural state.

So you've got fans, Storm Samurai. The ladies love you, but I still say your an impotent rascal. Why did you have to spend hours boasting about how your were PUMPED about KICKING KATRINA'S ASS if you just wanted to chill out?

STORM SAMURAI! I'm starting to get pissed off, bro. I chilled myself out with some diggity dank and you're still over here killing my buzz. Why don't you just back up off my grill and find yourself some girl on adultballfinder.com or something who will let you nuzzle on her nuts? Naw, you know what? Fuck this, I've got another katana up in my room. Hang on, I'mma go get my other Hattori Hanzo and when I come back it's gonna be *snick* and then *slice* and it's all over man. I am going to come through your Internets and I am going to do more cutting than a fat girl failing college.

Just calm down man, I don't deserve this. This is about the hurricane, this isn't about some petty feud. Just calm the hell down!

Tips, photos, questions, and breaking news are welcome at the iHurricane eHotline!

Storm Samurai is gone again so I am just going to try to focus on getting out the news about the hurricane. Who knows what that idiot is going to do to himself now.

Sources are saying that despite the downgrade the storm swells caused by the hurricane will easily overwhelm the levees protecting New Orleans from a catastrophic flood. Nightmare scenarios, a favorite of any good news organization, are being thrown around for the horrible fate that might await those stranded in the Superdome during the massive flood. Unable to leave they would be trapped in the powerless and stiflingly hot Superdome with the field area flooded with filthy sewage-thick water laden with corpses and dangerous chemicals. Evacuation would be dangerous to impossible until water levels could be manually reduced.

Not a plesant situation no matter...uh oh. Here comes Storm Samurai. Pretend I wasn't talking about him earlier.

STORM SAMURAI! Sir, thou has prompteth me to don mine armours of the SCA and face ye on the field of battle. Though an Internet it might be, thou shall still feel the final reddish sting of my keenest blade. I will introduce you to Spike Spiegel, a blade true, forged by dwarven smiths in the fires of Mount Draco and imbued with the majicks of elfen sorcery. Your firewalls are no match for the bite of this cold steel. Prepare yourself for the funeral pyre, Sir Parsons. I will cut you down and make sheaths of your wives.

But the hurricane is a direct hit and we need to foc-------AAAAAAAHHHH!! Augh!

LIVE UPDATE GOING OFFLINE...

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)