A Little Advice For Astronauts

Uhhh how about you watch that first step - it's a doozie!

Hey. Dipshit. You might want to leave your compass at home. Something tells me the north pole don't work in space. Look that one up in a science book if you don't believe me. It's in the book section, under "B" for book.

Maybe you geniuses should roll up the windows before launch. Just a thought.

Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!

Yo, pal. See that seat belt? It's not a decoration. Go ahead and strap yourself in unless you want to hit the dashboard during takeoff and get a bruised schnoz.

*whispering* When the person on the radio says they're Houston... they mean mission control in Houston. It's not the entire city talking to you, you colossal asswipe.

I know you want to take lots of pictures up there. The majesty of space, our planet floating in the void as a fragile entity larger and more noble than our daily concerns. When you snap those photos, how about not sticking your gnarled thumb in front of the lens by accident? Think you can you do that?

Hey, here's an idea. If they let you hold the wheel why don't you try steering that big ol' spaceship away from black holes?

You don't have to hold your breath throughout the entire trip. God.

They're going to ask you to do a space walk at some point. Try to remember that literally making walking motions with your legs in space won't get you anywhere.

Yo! Space genius! How about you do yourself a favor, and don't immolate from the immense heat generated during re-entry? Dumbass.

That's a nice spacesuit you got there. You probably shouldn't paint over the entire thing with magic markers and slice it into ribbons with a box cutter. Capiche?

Do me a favor. When you're up there in the infinite cosmos, watch your weird arm movements very carefully so you don't elbow the moon and knock the dang thing into a different orbit. What a bonehead move.

While you were picking your nose and going "duh" you might have heard that space is a vacuum. Don't hang your dusty rugs and carpets out there on the side of the space station and expect them to be cleaned. You'll look like a damn fool.

If you make first contact with an alien civilization, after shaking its hand could you not look at your feet in awkward silence for a few moments then announce, "Well, it was nice meeting you but I should probably get going"?

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)