Legend of the Two Towers

Now that the rubble and debris from the September 11 terrorist attacks has been cleared, America is looking to rebuild. In particular, the great city of New York is looking to rebuild in the area many will forever call Ground Zero. A lot of spirited discussion has gone into the issue of replacing the towers and still continues today, even though it appears that the necessary choices have already been made. It’s easy to see why people are so passionate about replacing the towers, since it’s practically a haunted Indian burial ground, only there probably aren’t that many dead Indians buried there. While that could easily be remedied, I think we’ve done enough to the Indians as is. Really, the main goal should be to create a useful, respectful, and safe replacement for the fallen towers and not cause anymore harm to Indians.

The brain trusts of CNN, in their omnipotent wisdom, asked readers to design the WTC replacement. I can’t even begin to describe how overwhelmingly bad an idea it is to invite a bunch of people whose only architecture and planning skills come from playing SimCity to design what could easily be the most important building in New York’s history. It’s completely obscene and insane. Just look and see for yourself. Now yes, some of the designs aren’t that bad, and in those cases they were made by people with legitimate architectural skills or by people who know how to at least extrude faces in any of the 3d modeling programs out there, but the majority of these entries are ungodly terrible. If you haven’t figured out how to use hyperlinks yet or simply don’t want to visit CNN’s site, don’t worry, because I’m going to review a few choice entries for your pleasure. In the off chance you’re one of our few readers with strong morals and a sense of human decency, I don’t think you will get much pleasure out of this unless you find holding me in contempt pleasurable, which is completely okay in my book.

Say Hello to the New New York Skyline!

Take That, Outer Space!

Artist’s Description:"I don't know if it can be done, but I would like to see all this money, if there is any, spent on two of the world's largest lasers ever created, beaming all the way into space. They would be encased underground, going straight up in two square patterns. They would be so bright, they could be seen during the day. The names of the victims and a statue of an American eagle could also be placed at the base. "Start handing out sunglasses." Josh’s Critique: They already shot beams of light into the sky and that was fine, but I think that we’re starting to use the whole “let’s shoot lasers into the sky” thing as a crutch. What does that have to do with paying tribute to the victims? Does it symbolize all the souls escaping into heaven? The only way building a giant laser would be a suitable method of mourning anybody’s death is if the people who died spent their life trying to build giant lasers to protect the Earth. That way you can say, “these lasers honor those who gave their lives building other lasers, much like these lasers, to protect to the Earth from laserfearing beings of all kinds.” I suspect the reason this person suggested these highly destructive lasers is because he has secret plans to one day capture them, and turn them on us. By simply pointing the lasers the opposite direction, he could theoretically take out China or Australia or one of those weird countries on the other side of the Earth. That’s the only logical explanation I can come up with. The I’m A Closet Evil Genius With Dire Plans For All Who Fail To Obey Me Score: 10/10

HOLY LINCOLN, CRYING TOWERS!

Artist’s Description:"In my dreams, I am inundated with the image of tears -- on the faces of children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands and many friends whose lives were changed forever. ... Tears were followed with rain and soon the dust was washed away. I designed buildings in the shape of eyes; eyes that shall look to the heavens for freedom and hope and watch the sky for danger. "At 8:46 a.m. every morning, the dome at the top of an angled roof line will open like two lids of an eye and release a fall of water, like tears, from the lower lid. As such, the building will 'cry' every day for the time period of the attacks. The significance of this is that tears of sorrow become nourishment for new life in the gardens below. The lashes could even be the flags of all the states of our country, located at the seam of the dome opening, much like a real eye. ... This would be a standing reminder to future generations of visitors to the city of New York of the magnitude of human sorrow that took place on this sacred ground." Josh’s Critique: While I’ve always dreamed of living in a gay surrealist fantasy world where buildings cry and chocolate candy is grown on the backs of giant floating lobsters with spheres of glowing liquid in place of claws, I know the real world is just more practical. Having crying towers is just retarded and makes us out to be a bunch of wimps. Do we want to send the message to terrorists that if you attack us, we will not only cry, but we will also build giant fucking buildings that cry? Last time I checked, this is America and not France. While remembering those who died senselessly is important, do we really need to remember them in such a senseless way? If somebody honored me by building a crying obelisk, I’d come back from the dead and either impale them on it, or grind them up and cram them inside so that it cries really scary tears of blood. This is just embarrassing to everybody. Light an eternal torch or put a plaque up, but don’t make us all ashamed to still be living. The I’m One Of Life’s Gentle Flowers And All My Creations Are Beautiful Seeds Score: 10/10

Big Stinking Box With Accompanying Hole

Artist’s Description:"One defiantly large structure that pays tribute." Josh’s Critique: One thing we can ascertain from looking at this picture is that this is a goddamn freaking HUGE building, at least twice as tall as all other buildings. Unless this is going to be the factory where they build the Xbox, there is no way anyone can even hope to use that much space! The main problem with this building is that it’s so monstrously big that it will be impossible not to fly planes into it. I suppose the big hole will prevent a few planes from hitting the actual structure, but in general this thing is just blocking the entire sky out for air traffic. I worry I might accidentally drive into it, and I live a long ass way from New York. The fact there is a faintly visible lens flare hidden in the building alarms me, because I would never trust an architectural firm or designer that adds lens flares to prototype designs. Wow, now that’s the razor’s edge of design! The Only Thing Bigger Than My Thinking Are The Holes In My Logic Score: 10000000/10000000

New York’s New Building (This is New York’s New Building)

Artist’s Description:No description given. Josh’s Critique: This was obviously drawn by a kid. If not, I would highly suggest this aspiring architect purchase proper drafting tools, such as a T-square or ruler for drawing straight edges, and something other than colored pencils. I do enjoy the giant “New York’s New Building” written on top, since that helps explain to people what the function of this building is. I do see this sign causing problems, because in order for it to this to remain true, a permanent moratorium on new building construction would have to be put into place. But then I suppose if New York’s city planning board were dumb enough to approve this building, they would be dumb enough to consider doing that, too. The World’s Youngest Architect - Hey, Ain’t He Cute Score: 5/10

New York Will Be Protected

Artist’s Description:"The Gate Way to Liberty with a light torch on top of upper office floors. The decorative golden eagles are actually large gun turrets. The globe is a large screen that is animated. The lower section is the Grand Gateway with a large fountain in the center of this National Memorial, like an open-air park beneath a giant cathedral." Josh’s Critique: I kind of like this one, because I’m pretty sure this is actually a giant robot in its resting state. Just as soon as trouble rears its ugly head, this merciless mechanical killing machine will transform and spring into action, blasting rockets and lasers from its shoulder mounted attack bays and swinging its giant robot fists at incoming enemy attacks. On the smaller scale, that huge all-seeing eye on the front of it will monitor for crime, and send out concentrated laser beams at ne'er-do-wells. If you’re going to build something stupid, it might as well involve giant robots. The Well, Fuck, Everybody Loves Robots Score: 10/10

Practically Another Terrorist Attack

Artist’s Description:"We have developed a specific form as a thematic park that builds an antagonistic relationship between a void and the constructed space. " Josh’s Critique: WHAT THE HELL? The Bizarro Inverse Reverse Opposite Sanity / We Don't Need No Stinkin' Logic Score: -E/-10001000100010111

Let’s Crucify That Giant Robot!

Artist’s Description:"I send you a design from the top of the world (Sweden). I think it speaks for itself." Josh’s Critique: I believe this new skyscraper will be of particular enjoyment for non-Christians, because they simply can’t get enough of Christianity towering over them. Since this doesn’t appear to just be a monument, and actually seems to be a replacement tower complete with plenty of office space, it’s nice to know that a symbol commonly associated with Jesus will also serve as a major hub for international finance. I know Jesus was big on the economy and all, so he’ll appreciate this tasteful gesture. Also, because it is both a symbol of finance and Christianity, there is no way any religious nutcase would ever want to attack it. The Holy Capitalist Jesus Transubstantiates Death Into Office Space Score: 10/10

My WTC Proposal

One of the most obvious things to come from reviewing these proposals is the bizarre and mind-boggling way people pay respect to the dead and look to the future. Now as some of you know, I can spell over half a dozen popular obscenities, so therefore I’m perfectly qualified to write and design a proposal of my own. That, my friends and worst enemies, is what I’m doing now. I bring you…

GROUND ZERO: THE THEME PARK

The Tower Drop recreates the thrill of falling from the top of the World Fun Center!Let’s face it, the area where the WTC used to be is already called Ground Zero, and that coupled with the wide open space has theme park written all over it in bold, italicized letters. We’ve already made a mockery of the attacks with ridiculous celebrity telethons and obsessive-compulsive news coverage, so the next step is to turn this tragedy into a funedy! And don’t worry about this not being a proper memorial, because it’s the best kind of memorial of all: a memorial to boredom! There is nothing but excitement at Ground Zero! But don't think this is a joke, because this is all about learning and gaining a deeper appreciation for the unimaginable catastrophe of September 11.

Why just take a look at some of the great rides we have planned:

Stairway to Heaven
Thousands of people funneled through the Twin Tower’s respective stairwells, anxiously hoping to escape from certain doom. At Ground Zero: The Theme Park, you will anxiously climb the stairs towards certain fun! At the top is the world’s longest slide! This slide spans from the top of the new World Fun Center and stretches into the Hudson River, where you will be safely deposited several minutes later. Only then will you know and understand just how tense the WTC evacuation was.

The Tower Drop
Experience the gut-wrenching thrill of falling from a hundred stories up! Many people attempted this very feet to escape from horrendous fires blazing in the towers immediately after the attack. Remember their deaths by safely reenacting their tragic fall to heaven. In the end, not only will you have gotten an incredible rush, but you will also be transformed forever by the profoundness of this awesome adrenaline-pumping ride. Your appreciation for the horrors of September 11 will grow tenfold each time you drop.

Flight of Terror!
Step inside an authentic replica of a commercial airliner in the grip of terror! Actors dressed in real life terrorist uniforms will appear before you on a large projection screen letting you know you’re headed towards calamity! A system of hydraulics will shake and twist the plane simulator in every direction as you zoom towards the towers and the realization of how great and precious human life truly is! After exiting the ride, you will never forget what happened and always remember the fun!

The bottom line is that we simply can’t dwell on tragedy forever. The last and most important stage of accepting a major loss and moving on is by commercializing it and turning it into a parody of itself. The sooner we slap a Pepsi logo on this, the sooner we can look forward to a bright future full of hope and Pepsi!

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for an Awful Movie!

Ben "Greasnin" Platt here with yet another movie review. I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. It's 5:45 in the morning and I'm exhausted. Just read the damn review or I'll cry. Or sleep. I don't know. Either way. Oh, the movie is "The House That Screamed," by the Polonia brothers. You remember the Polonia brothers, the dastardly bastards who brought us "Feeders" and "Feeders 2." Yeah, them.

By now you're probably wondering, "Gee, this movie sucks and all, but where are the ludicrously fake-looking severed heads and pointless naked people?" Here they are! John and Mark must have thought that a transition from the bald guy in the last scene to the same bald guy in the next scene was a little to cerebral for their audience, so they threw in a slew of random images of severed heads. They look about as realistic as Michael Jackson's head, and are far less frightening. There are a few quick shots of a little girl holding an axe and a boy having nose sex with the neck stump of another severed head. The dot on this exclamation point of unnecessary footage is a woman in red underwear writhing and stripping in front of a black background. No severed heads there, just a woman in red underwear rubbing herself for some reason.

Look, that's friggin' gold! Read the review! I'm going to bed.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)