Leave a Message in the Anonymous White Man Complaint Box

Dear White Man Complaint Box,

I heard some stuff on TV about locust epidemics causing starvation throughout North Africa. I could tell the European announcer homo wanted me to feel sad but I frankly think this is bullshit because I am afraid of dying because I am fat. I WISH I didn’t have to worry about crap like eating another cookie. I WISH I didn’t have to bother with my Pilates because my nutrient-starved muscles were being digested to keep my heart pumping. Now that’s a dream cardio routine. Those lucky niggers.

Dear White Man Complaint Box,

This affirmative action bullshit is completely out of control. My son had a 2.5 GPA and he did not get into Ball State’s business program, then I hear this black kid got a 2.4 GPA and he DID get in. Just because some tarbaby’s great great grandfather was brought to America at gunpoint, hobbled with a rock hammer, and then worked to death in a cotton plantation by my great great grandfather doesn’t mean they have the right to STEAL an education from my son. We made them equal so we didn’t have to hear them bitch and this is the THANKS we white people get?

Dear White Man Complaint Box,

I heard that if I give alcohol to a woman until she is unconscious and then have sex with her while she is passed out she can claim rape the next day. What is this malarkey? Why can only the woman decide if she is raped? If I wake up next to a fat girl after a hard night of drinking can I go to the police and claim that she raped me and get a million dollars? I don’t think that’s how it works now in “America”. This sexism masquerading as equal rights is disruptive to the natural order of date rape as a part of the courtship process.

Dear White Man Complaint Box,

Why are Arabs allowed to fly on the same plane as me? Thanks in advance.

Dear White Man Complaint Box,

I remember back in my day the radio played nothing but good music like Led Zeppelin and Journey. Now all they play are those talking songs called “rap” and a bunch of white kids acting like black kids. Where has our proud White Man culture gone? It used to be that we could imitate black kids and no one would know because black kids weren’t allowed on the radio. As far as I’m concerned The Beastie Boys and Eminem invented rap music. Not to mention these lyrics are outrageous. Just yesterday I heard a black man singing about being mad at the police. MAD at the POLICE?! Friend, the police are the only thing standing between you and a proper Mississippi necktie, so you’d better show some respect.

Dear White Man Complaint Box,

I read on the Internet that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton said inflammatory things about whites that are just as racist as me calling them a spearchuckin’ KFC melonlips coon. Al Sharpton called the former mayor of New York City a HONKEY!! The gall of these people. Then Jesse Jackson demanded we take down the Confederate Flag in Georgia and had the buckeyes to lobby for a Martin Luther King Street. Why don’t we tear down the stars and stripes if it upsets you!? That Communist Martin Luther King, a hero? There was rioting in the streets whenever he went on one of his terror marches. Might as well put up a statue to Stalin and name a street after Saddam.

Dear White Man Complaint Box,

My teenage son wants to watch the Super Bowl with me this year but I had to tell him “no” because I am concerned he might see a breast or a raunchy commercial that implies casual race mixing. I don’t know what sort of power you have to change the world to make it as comfortable and inoffensive as possible, but maybe you could have that Oreo at the FCC start trying to gut the media networks.

Dear White Man Complaint Box,

I saw a movie with John Travolta and some black guy where it was like white people were black people and black people were white people. It really made me think…do you think it’s okay to let the blacks near science? Maybe one of them will make up some sort of ray or something that switches black people and white people. I think we’re making a dangerous mistake.

Dear White Man Complaint Box,

With homosexuals out in the open these days things are getting pretty complicated. I was wondering if you can could you declare homosexuals to be black or at least Mexican? That would really help simplify this Power Point I have been working on for the Rotary Club.

Dear White Man Complaint Box,

Yeah, I have a frigging complaint, it’s about jobs. I have a job right now as an investment banker but with all of the outsourcing and immigration I feel like that if I wanted to I couldn’t just quit my job and go out and find work at a slaughterhouse or in a sewer. It’s not fair that these minorities and foreigners are taking job opportunities from honest American people. I mean the women were bad enough, but a little skirt spruces up the office. When was the last time you licked your finger and slid it down the blouse of some dot head walking past? You don’t even get the opportunity because they hide in anonymity behind their phone lines.

Dear White Man Complaint Box,

I live in a gated community. I moved here when a black family moved into my previous neighborhood and I knew crime was going to be right behind them. Now that I am living in Ivory Meadows I am paying much higher property tax for the exact same plot size and I do not feel this is fair. Why should the blacks in my old neighborhood have to pay less for the exact same size plot as I have? It’s the silent racism of this twisted government. Tyranny of the minorities.

Dear White Man Complaint Box,

Why do only rivers and Indians get casinos? Where is my casino? This is killing the American dream.

Dear White Man Complaint Box,

I just thought I should let you know that I was at Wal*Mart at 7:23 PM yesterday and I saw some blacks buying cookies and soda pop with food stamps. I think that’s wrong. If they are getting any handouts from MY tax dollars then they should not be able to derive any pleasure from them whatsoever. Even regular food like vegetables and bread might make them too happy. I think we should have protein and vitamin bars that taste like horse pussy for their free handouts. I’m not a monster I don’t want them to die or anything but with all those kids maybe think about a gas or something like they use on mosquitoes that will make all of the males sterile.