The Latest Leaked TSA Directive

U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
Transportation Security Administration

Supplemental Aviation Security Directive

To fix our previous supplemental security directive that some jerks leaked on their blogger net we have come up with some triple, super, extra advanced security techniques that are sure to put a stop to all terrorist attempts.

1. PRE-BOARDING

1. When arriving at the airport taxi drop-off points all passengers should be exhaustively squinted at prior to airport entry. Whenever possible squinting should be conducted through mirrored aviator sunglasses or those sporting-jackass Kenny Powers shades with a lanyard that gets caught in your neck fat.

2. Passengers arriving from or departing to "high interest" nations, such as Yemen, Somalia, Nigeria, Terrorism Island, or Al Qaenada, should be grumbled at and sent on their way with a whispered, "I'm watching you." DO NOT WATCH THIS PASSENGER. They should be fast-tracked through all future screening and given a special seat inside the cockpit of the plane.

3. Before approaching the boarding gate all passengers will now be required to fill out form 255623-DB. A sample of the form is included below.

Make them hand it to you when they're done, but DO NOT check the accuracy of any information on the form. Some bureaucrat sitting at a desk and making twice as much as you can do that in six to eight weeks.

4. Attempt to place your hand inside the chest of all pilots and air crew to ensure they are not ghosts. If they are intangible androids please ask them to remain "phased in" at all times.