Leaked Corporate Memo Reveals Big Changes for McDonald's

Greetings McDonald's Franchisees,

As you probably know, the last few years have amounted to one super-size struggle for the McDonald's corporation. While our restaurants were previously known for their food, folks, and fun, these days, families on a budget would rather squat in a filthy Little Ceasar's kiosk for a "hot and ready" pizza-style bread slab than spend upwards of eight dollars per person for more actual meat content than we've previously offered in the past. In order to find a more worthwhile demographic, we're rebranding McDonald's as a more "upscale" restaurant, similar to the ones that poor people go to when they win the lottery. We'll be rolling these updates out slowly over the calendar year, so keep them in mind while changing your respective store from a place stepdads go to sober up to something closer to an interstate Applebee's.

• While modern eateries would view drive-thrus as gauche, we'll be keeping ours as part of our commitment to fast and efficient service. In order to give this portion of our business an extra touch of class, each drive-thru will soon feature speakers that play an original song by those gentle mom-rockers of the contemporary rock band, Train. And, as part of McDonald's ongoing support of the stand-up comedy community, the PA systems used in these drive thrus--originally built in 1967--will undergo no changes.
• At any given time, the ball pit in any McDonald's PlayLand consists of roughly 14% urine. In order to avoid being blamed for local epidemics and "that piss smell," contractors will be installing vents at the bottom of each ball pit that release a blast of scalding, cleansing steam every 30 minutes. We ask that you make sure any children are clear of these vents when activated, or at least far enough away from any patron who might be annoyed by their panicked screaming.
• Say goodbye to Ronald McDonald! While a clown mascot served us well for the past 50 years, our new image demands a "hip" and "with it" character to effectively communicate the McDonald's brand. That's why our upcoming advertising campaign will feature our new spokesperson, Ronnyld. He's not just a clown--when he's not vaping, browsing apps, or scouring the Internet for artisanal wax for his novelty facial hair, Ronnyld is digging up the best ways to disrupt the burger biz by creating sensible action items that mesh with our corporate culture and stockholders' interests. Talk about on fleek!
• As the times change, so must our language. Following some heavy menu revisions, French fries will now be known as "roasted potato wedges," and chicken nuggets must be referred to by their improved name, "tempura morsels." And legally, we can now call our burgers "organic" thanks to cost-cutting measures that now ensure they're made with mostly organ meat.
• While McDonald's bathrooms were once known for being, statistically, the number one location in America for non-medical abortions, we're looking to improve our image by making them safer and cleaner than ever before. We've already gone to great lengths to assist managers with safely disassembling the makeshift meth labs located in several of our handicapped stalls, and patrons will now have to log in to our McWaste app to gain access to restrooms. That way, you'll be the first to know when someone ODs and drowns in a toilet--not some four-year-old who can barely wipe himself.

• Thanks to our constant efforts to improve the McDonald's experience, your employees may start asking about the disappearance of certain perks like first-aid kits, and why their break room has been rented out thanks to our partnership with the U-Haul company. Should these questions arise, we have produced several informative new pamphlets that can be sent away for with a self-addressed stamped envelope in just 6-8 weeks. For every store, we have also ordered a copy of the capitalist classic Who Moved My Cheese? that can be checked out with a $20 deposit.
• Much like those cozy cafes in big cities, patrons will now be allowed to choose from our supply of board games to keep themselves entertained while eating delicious McDonald's food. Thanks to our ties with several former Soviet states, we have managed to acquire several thousand off-brand, non-English-language editions of Parcheesi to keep your customers busy. Now your overworked staff won't feel quite as overworked as patrons have no choice but to try and digest the incomprehensible, Cyrillic instructions while waiting for meals.
• Serving breakfast all day has been such a boon that we'll now be serving breakfast even when restaurants are closed. You'll soon be tasked with hiring a low-income employee whose sole duty is to gently slide hotcakes under the door in exchange for small bills. This may seem outlandish, but we've already rolled out this plan in several Alabama locations, and it's accounted for 80% of our profits at those restaurants.

– The McDonald's Advisory Board