When is it time to do laundry?

For most people this list is unnecessary and stupid, but there are still many out there that seem to be confused. To help out with any possible misconceptions, here's a brief list of possible times when it is appropriate to do laundry. Friends don't let friends be stinky nerds.

• Reaching your bed requires a John-Snow-returning-to-the-Wall Trek except instead of a blizzard it's just a giant mass of black t-shirts.
• Your boxers have become a dual blend fabric of cotton and fart.
• You know how weird it is when someone who has always had a beard all of a sudden shaves it off and you're like, whoa, wait a second? Well, that's how people would act about you if you ever wore a different pair of pants.
• All of your clothes smell like a pack of cigarettes even though you don't smoke.
• Everyone around looks pained to be in your company and you aren't a creepy, racist grandfather.
• You often gaze lustfully at Goodwill donation boxes, imagining yourself climbing in with the same blissful abandon as McScrooge diving into his piles of money.
• A significant number of vermin have begun nesting in your empty dresser drawers and you can't blame them.
• Through the absorption of your natural oils, your shirt now releases a pheromone whenever you're near a Little Caesar Hot and Ready pizza.
• You've mistakenly thought you'd lost weight when in reality your jeans have just stretched well beyond the material's natural limit.
• You've somehow amassed a healthy amount of quarters and the nearest arcade closes early.
• Your fashion choices have devolved into whichever shirt on your floor has the least visible deodorant residue.
• Your shirt is more worn out than the meme printed on it.
• Your attempt to remember alternating wearing boxers between normally and inside out has mutated into a convoluted and nearly impossible to grasp Inception level mind fuck.
• There's a certain thrift store je ne sais quoi that defines your presence and people aren't afraid to point it out.
• Your clothing is currently dictating your life and it's demanding you stay inside for the third straight week.
• You've been wearing Batman pajama pants so long neighbors think you're some bohemian who just really likes the Dark Knight.
• The lint in your bellybutton has a smell that you secretly like but you're terrified of anyone finding out.
• You left the house wearing the same outfit you slept in and you are not six years old.
• You've pitted doing laundry against playing Dota2, and Dota has been on a massive win streak.
• In desperation, you've resorted to wearing shirts from ten years ago only to find out that your body has drastically changed in shape-and not in a good way.
• Your socks sort of keep the shape of your foot for a few hours after you take them off.
• You've had three heatstrokes since you were forced to dig into your box of winter sweaters, and all that's left now is old ski gear.
• Like a dog marking its territory, your computer chair and sheets share the same musk as your clothes.
• That musk immediately triggers terrible recessed memories for anyone who has attended a ComiCon or used to play D&D in middle school.
• You've seriously considered the possibility of wearing one type of clothes as a substitute for another type of clothes, but aren't quite certain about the calculations.
• If a standardized test had a fill in the blank question asking the student to describe your smell, the highest scoring answer would say something along the lines of: If someone were to fish some old towels out of a lake and stuff them in a bag and then someone else found that bag three weeks later and opened it and was like, "yeah, I'll wear this now."
• Your clothing looks like an extra's costume in The Walking Dead except it's just ketchup and Oreo crumbs.
• You've been promising to do laundry for so long it's officially categorized as vaporware.
• Your own feet have begun to smell like someone else's.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)