Unfortunate Last Words

"Give me liberty or give me death!"

- Moments before falling out of a chair and breaking their neck while reaching across the kitchen table to trade for a friend's 'Death' Magic the Gathering card

"Ahhh my head is locked in a vice!
Ahhh it's crushing my skull! Ahhh
I can feel my brains squishing
through my face holes!"

- Moments before being shot to death by neighbor, who had been agitated by three straight days of the victim loudly practicing lines for a horror movie audition

"That should do it. The woodchipper
is all fixed! Start 'er up. I'll keep my
head in here to listen for problems."

- Moments before having a fatal heart attack induced by the excitement of a job well done

"Wait. Which bottle contains the fruit
punch and which one contains the
lethal poison that is identically
colored and flavored? I'll drink this one.
I'm like 51% sure it's the fruit punch."

- Moments before dying from having ingested a fatal amount of fruit punch

"This sign says 'Welcome to
Deathtropolis: You Will Die In Here'.
Hmm."

- Moments before driving backwards off a cliff while reversing away from Deathtropolis

"As a matter of fact, I have never
fought with a sword before. This
will be my first time. How hard can it be?"

- Moments before being crushed to death by the weight of an enormous trophy engraved with the words SWORDFIGHTING TOURNAMENT CHAMPION

"This is what... the sixth day in a
row with a record temperature?
I feel like I'm dying of heat stroke.
Sometimes I wish we had done
something about climate change."

- Moments before being executed by a Patriot Drone for the following charges (all stemming from speaking the above quote): Being Disrespectful, Hating America, Antifa Terrorism, Science, Extremist Socialism and Communism, Politicizing An Issue, Attempting To Tamper With The Profits Of Administration-Affiliated Businesses

"I'm going to die in a few moments."

- Decades before dying of old age in a monastery, having taken a vow of silence as penance for being so thoroughly wrong

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)