Killer Kiddie Toys

Recently, the eyes of people across the world have been focused on the controversy regarding the recall of millions of Firestone tires. However, moist and creamy SA reader Scott Ritchie has informed me of a more sinister recall that could possibly end up causing World War III. Yes, I am of course referring to the recall of millions of Galoob's "Sky Dancers" toys because of "eye injuries including scratched corneas and incidents of temporary blindness, broken teeth, a mild concussion, a broken rib, and facial lacerations that required stitches."

If you haven't heard of these wonderful toys before, let me catch you up to speed. A pointy, T-shaped model of a fairy is mounted on some kind of large plastic launch pad, which, when triggered, shoots the fairy straight up into the air like an arrow coated with poison. Sounds like an incredibly excellent idea, doesn't it? I can just imagine the board meeting when they brainstormed this ingenious idea.

Of course, if this scenario didn't occur exactly how I described it, I can imagine no good reason why Galoob, who has defined the word "quality" by releasing such marvelous toys as the Spice Girls doll set, would manufacture such an outrageously evil product. After performing some intense research (I looked up the words "galoob" and "naked Spice Girls" on google.com), I have come up with one clear answer: Galoob wants to trigger World War III.

Think about it for a second; right there, on the recall page, it lists the words which will notify parents that they just bought a toy which could possibly fly up into the air, burrow into their child's brain like a rabid weasel, and then proceed to lay eggs in their skull. No wait, scratch the "eggs in their skull" part. Anyway, check out these key selections from their press recall:

So what's the last image the kid sees before their plastic doll leaps into the air and pierces their corneas? "MADE IN CHINA." This is a series of words which will haunt them every day of their Godforsaken lives. This is a phrase which will be burned into their mind when they wander the city streets at night, blind, drunk, and filled with rage. Soon these children will grow up, spend years of their life studying toy manufacturing, and design a doll to be exported to China which does even more damage than the nefarious Sky Dancer. They will put wigs and dresses on cans of mace, name them "Silly Susan", and ship the suckers off to China. Then China will retaliate by producing a robotic dog which responds to all commands, but has one small catch - it turns into a horrible killing machine whenever it hears the word "and"! Then it's only a matter of time before America and China start hammering wheels to atomic bombs and calling them "Super Fun Crazy Wagons." At that point you can pretty much kiss America good-bye, because at the rate we're buying Chinese imports, we'd be gone in seconds.

So what does Galoob have to gain from this? MONEY, and lots of it. Have you ever tried to buy an atomic bomb? They're expensive as hell, even without wheels! Folks, do yourselves a favor and stay away from the "Sky Dancers." Every person who purchases one is supporting Galoob's plan to turn America into a gigantic smoking crater of doom and possibly death. Come to think of it, that'd be kind of cool, so buy as many as you want. Just be warned that it's awful hard to update your page from a gigantic smoking crater of doom and possibly death, with a plastic arm protruding from your eye socket. Or so I hear.

Cranky Steve's Haunted Whorehouse, not content with simply reviewing the worst game maps out there, has expanded to reviewing terrible game mods as well. Today we kick off the festivities with Bezzy's review of "Real Life Quake", which attempts to make Q3:A like "real life." Yeah, the entire idea just reeks of success, doesn't it?

What this world needs is MORE REALISTIC MODS! We can't get enough! Lay 'em on, barkeep, we're big boys! Check out the rest of the review here, flyboy.

I am indeed a lucky man. I have been graced with yet another email from the wonderful Cliff Yablonski. Allow me to share it with you.

He is truly a saint among saints. Please feel free to examine the five new pages of people Mr. Yablonski doesn't seem to like. If you don't, I'm afraid he may bludgeon me to death with a wafflemaker.

Wow, That's Amazing has a special ed - er, special treat for all of us today! Yup, they have finished up their "How to Sex With George" guide, which effortlessly explains how to pick up members of the opposite sex, assuming you're a male. And the opposite sex is a female. Here's a little bit to tide you over until you have a chance to click the link:

It's like somebody was able to turn pure wisdom into electronic characters and display them on my screen! It's black gold! Texas tea! It's an article you should probably read!

Shocking secret of the day: I'm actually beginning to like The Mark Side. I'm starting to think he's pretty funny. Before anybody emails me messages questioning my heterosexuality and misspelling the word "ASS" repeatedly, let me explain that they just painted the apartment next to mine and I've been inhaling paint fumes all day.