Last month I brought you what I was afraid might have been the last installment of "Kids Say the Darnedest Shit" with the bright young students of Mrs. Klinger's 3rd grade class. Many of you emailed me letting me know that you really wanted to hear more from the kids of Whitebrook Elementary here in Chicago one last time before they disappeared for the summer. My persistent badgering of Mrs. Klinger paid off and last Friday I was allowed to ask her students one last batch of questions before summer vacation.
I hope you enjoy their responses as much as I did!
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 | "I am terrified of poor seatbelt safety." |
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| "The liberal media." |  |
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 | "A knee injury that ruins my promising career in grave digging." |
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| "Vowels." |  |
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 | "Orcs are the stuff of my nightmares!" |
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| "I would like to finally find out why everyone has been raving about heroin." |
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| "I am going to build an awesome tree house that has a sign saying "no girls allowed" so mommy will know to stay out when she wants to burn my arms with cigarettes." | |
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| "The same thing I do all year long: get fatter!" |
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| "I am going to go to California to watch the Michael Jackson trial. I love him! His music is unlistenable clap-trap but I am a huge fan of how he molests boys." | |
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| "I've always wanted to drive a rental truck full of fertilizer into the White House." |
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| "I would trade places with Jeffrey A. Dvorkin because my greatest dream is being the NPR ombudsman. " |
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| "I think I would like to trade places with one of the people who died on 9-11 because I would like for my death to mean something." | |
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| "I don't know his name but if you look in the Guinness Book of World Records he is listed under "fattest man alive." |
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| "I would trade places with Britney Spears because I want to feel a human baby come out of my vagina." | |
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| "That guy on Deadwood who says bad words because I am not allowed to say them." |
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| "I don't like them because the old man who is at the door is scary looking and always smells like Vaseline." |
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| "Their work in crushing Unions wherever they crop-up is the sort of thing I live for." | |
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| "My parents are whiny hippies so I make sure every dime I have gets spent at Wal*Mart." |
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| "If it weren't for Wal*Mart Cal's Hometown Shoes would still be in business. Cal had a terrible selection and high prices so good riddance. Yes, I can wait six weeks while you order boots in my size, thanks a lot Cal you lazy oaf." | |
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| "Without my local Wal*Mart I never would have known what brooms look like in China. It's a land of Eastern delights in my neighborhood!" |
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| "I'll believe you're an Arabian sheik if you got five dolla, GI." |
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| "Absolutely, but on the other hand I tend to believe whatever someone on TV says and mommy told me not to do that after I watched too much 700 Club and tried to exorcise a gay." | |
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| "Believe in them?! I talk to them on the Internet. This one alien who calls himself FeederFan69 says he is going to use his space science to help me finally become the fattest kid in my whole school." |
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| "My nihilistic worldview does not allow me to entertain any dreams of hope no matter how much evidence exists to support them." | |
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| "A lot of people believe in trickledown economics and UFOs are a lot more believable than that." |
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| "I don't know who that is but I think he should have to wear a sparkling dress and tiara because that would be really pretty." |
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| "All of these ethics charges are just another example of the politics of personal destruction that the Demoncraps like to use. I don't know what that means but I read it on Free Republic so I think it's a good answer." | |
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| "I think he should use his missile launcher arms. He could say "majority rules" and "delay this" and then shoot a bunch of missiles at activist judges. I thought that was a good one I read on Free Republic." |
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| "He should be forced to teach a class at Bob Jones University on evolution." | |
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| "I think he should pupate until he is ready to unfurl his varicolored wings and fly high into the sky." |
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| "Ha ha, it sure is something…oh, I can't say it. Even the special ed kids who eat their own hands would think twice about saying something like that." |
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| "It's not bad if you like whiny liberal rants, self-indulgent short stories, bad Photoshops, and foul-mouthed cartoons. In other words it's great if you're a complete idiot." | |
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| "I'm grounded from the Internet ever since I put mommy's credit card into a horse porn website. Does it have tight white pussies being stretched by monster horse cocks?" |
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| "I only read my own Live Journal." | |
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| "The last time I checked you had all the same content as ebaum's world you bunch of rip-offs." |
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That's all until next school year, folks! Wait and see what great minds Mrs. Klinger will have in her class this Fall!
– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)
