The Kids Are Dumb

HAY GOONS HOW DO I TAKE A SHIT???I had another topic lined up for today's update but then I got a headache and decided that I couldn't give the wide world of aquatic birds the focus it deserved. So today's update is a throw away. I'll talk about an easy subject, make fun of people, and go back to watching the Strongman contests on ESPN West 4-C. And then I might eat a bag of ham. Instead of desperately seeking a topic to write about like I should have I decided to partake in some of my world class procrastinating and browse our lovely forums. Oh boy, if you ever want to read about teenagers and 20-something-year-olds that have no idea how to do anything in life and are walking around like penises with their heads cut off check out the many "e/n" threads in our very own General Bullshit. e/n stands for "everything/nothing". This, if I remember correctly, was a collection of websites run by teenagers who had absolutely nothing to say but somehow typed 40,000 words about how much sixth period math class really sucks. In its infancy 40 percent of Something Awful content came from making fun of these pissants and mocking their beliefs and values. In fact, Something Awful itself started as an e/n site which Lowtax built out of his broken dreams and redwood logs. Eventually Something Awful got a permit to hold Strongman contests in the boiler room and that's why I'm here. Man, I love those Strongman contests. I patiently wait for one of the Strongmen's anuses to erupt from all of the pressure. When that happens it'll all be worth it.

So when the SA forums were started the "e/n" label was given to threads in which the poster was young, dumb, and talking about something no one really gives a damn about, their personal life. If you are ever confused about girls, your career path, or your social life, feel free to ask the "goons" who also have no goddamn clue. We're not counselors. We're not doctors. We're not your parents. We're not therapists. We are in the same boat as you are. We don't know anything! When you have a question about a college and want to know what kind of SAT score you need to get in, CALL THE FUCKING SCHOOL. When you have a problem with your girlfriend, CALL YOUR FUCKING PARENTS. They've been there. They've been through all that shit. When you have a question about your bleeding asshole, CALL THE DOCTOR. When you ask people as stupid as you for advice you won't get anywhere!

To illustrate exactly what I mean check out this guy. He's absolutely steamed that his University won't let him move out of the dorms before the end of the school year.

i have gotten increasingly sick of it over the course of living here, and grown some pretty strong prejudices, namely against anyone that embraces the 'ghetto' culture.

...

Then, yesterday, in my mailbox, was a form letter from housing saying that my request to move has been denied!! They say i have signed something saying i will stay until JUNE of this year, and that i must stay and continue my term. ANd if i don't, they threaten to put a hold on my university accounts, meaning i can't register for classes, send transcripts, or basically do anything having to do with continuing school.

I guess there were too many black people for his tastes? Oh boy llephen, have you got another thing coming. Here in the real world people have to honor their contracts. When you sign a lease, as you effectively did, you make a promise to the owner of the complex that you will stay there for an extended period of time. In your case this meant a year. But instead of being a man and honoring a contract, maybe even learning a lesson about the real world, llephen decides to ask the "goons" for advice on how to weasel out of this silly little contract.

has anyone dealt with bullshit like this, and if so, what can i do? I'm definitely NOT staying here until JUNE. If i am to stay in housing until june, this place is liable to get burned down, and i'm not joking.

Can't nobody take my pride
Uh uh, uh uh
Can't nobody hold me down... ohh no
I got to keep on movin

The first question that springs up is, "Well, did you sign a lease?" You see, we are fortunate enough to have some forum members who actually know how the real world works and what being an independent person is. Unfortunately llephen doesn't quite understand the question.

I believe i signed a lease agreement or something, but i do not think it had any specific date on it, as it was basically an application form that everyone had to fill out on their own. And the last time i filled one out was this past september, meaning it's very unlikely that it has anything to do with the "june 10th" date that they're giving me.

and besides, this is student housing, not a real apartment complex. I am just in disbelief that they're pulling this.

Duh.... I think I signed something... said nothin' bout no JUNE 10TH!!! Jesus Christ. Do you think that this is something shitty landlords pull and good landlords just let people come and go as they please? No matter which apartment you live in you will be held to the lease! Unless you go month to month, and pay more rent, you do not have the flexibility of moving where ever you damn well please. I love the replies that suggest that he still pay for the University housing while living somewhere else. If you have that kind of money then you really don't have a problem in the first place!

The Something Awful Forums isn't the only place with these idiots. No sir, they are all over the world. Just check out this kid who wants to sue his school for giving him homework during the summer.

Peer Larson, 17, had lined up a dream camp counselor job last June, but honors pre-calculus homework turned his summer into a headache.

"It didn't completely ruin my summer, but it did give me a lot of undue stress both at home and at work," the high school junior said Thursday. "I just didn't have the energy or the time for it."

CRY ME A MOTHER FUCKING RIVER YOU LITTLE SHITHEAD CUNT. I bet you this little bitch cried to his mom and dad saying, "MOMMY, DADDY, THERE'S TOO MUCH HOMEWORK WAH WAH WAH!!!" You signed up for these advanced classes and when they give you advanced homework you can't handle it. Maybe you should go back to remedial math with all the other morons. If I had gone to my dad in high school and said, "DADDY WE NEED TO SUE THE SCHOOL OH GOD THERE'S SO MUCH HOMEWORK!!!" he would have beat the shit out of me right then and there. Why didn't any of the other students complain about the amount of homework they received? Because they, even the girls, took it like men and did it, because that's what's expected of you in the real world. Your employer isn't going to cry crocodile tears if you have too much work to do. They are going to expect you to do it or you get fired. It's as simple as that.

BUT THIS WILL CUT INTO MOLESTING CHILDREN AT SUMMER CAMP!!! WAH WAH!!!

Drop this goddamn case you little shit. It's just another example of today's kids being coddled and cradled and in effect, don't become ready for the real world. They don't know how to open a checking account. They don't know how to treat women. They don't know what hard work is. They don't know anything. They think a job will be waiting for them after high school or college. And when they realize they're going to have to work their ass off just to get a job in a smelly old mail room they break down and post threads on message boards about how the world is so unfair and cruel.

To help people raise their children right I have decided to make up a little timeline of certain events and achievements that should happen in a heterosexual male's life. I say heterosexual male because, despite popular belief, I am one. It is my belief that a young boy who is raised based on this guide will be ready for the real world and be successful in life no matter what they choose to do.

BIG SPOKKER'S GUIDE TO RAISING YOUR SON RIGHT!!!

When you give birth with water you're giving birth with Hitler.Conception to birth: Your son will be conceived in the "doggy style" position. Young men who are conceived in this position grow up to be stronger and healthier. The mother shall eat a good assortment of fruits, vegetables, meats, and breads. None of this mixing ice cream and sardines shit that you see in so many movies about breeding fat sows. The child shall be delivered vaginally or by cesarean section. Please don't get into any of this underwater birthing bullshit. If you want to give birth underwater you're giving birth to a pussy son.

Age 1-3: The second that kid bursts from the pussy open a savings account in his name. Break out the books. The sooner your son learns to read and speak the sooner he'll be able to tell the other kids off. Put those shitty fairy tales aside and break out the economics books. Your son won't get anywhere learning about Alvin the Aardvark or Clifford the Big Gay Dog or whatever faggot shit parents read to their kids these days. Trust me, when your son is day trading at five years you'll be giving me head. NO DAYCARE! Daycare is where poor children who don't have an affluent father and a stay at home mom or homosexual father go. We know you want the best of both worlds, moms of America, but you have to stay home those first few years while your husband works his ass off. Sorry but it's the law. Also, you should get the kid a computer as early as possible but not an internet connection. Computer skills are important but studies have shown that the earlier you expose your child to the internet the more likely he is to become a furry or even worse, a guy who draws a web comic.

Age 4-6: Hopefully your son is now running, jumping, and cursing like a sailor at this point. If he's not then he's probably retarded and should be discarded immediately. Get to work on a new son if you've got it in you or realize you'll only give birth to retarded worthless babies and stop trying. If your son is making good progress look out for signs of retardation and beat it out of him. Enroll the kid in pre-school as soon as possible. The sooner he learns how to finger paint the sooner he'll be able to design the atomic bomb.

Age 7-9: By now your son should have a well rounded personality and be able to recite the periodic table and eat 12 hot dogs in a single sitting. It's time to teach the boy the value of a dollar. Only buy your son presents on his birthday and on Christmas or whatever your crappy non-Christian equivalent is. Spoiling your son is not a good idea. Don't make your son play sports if he doesn't want to! Those kids who play sports are all morons and smell. If he wants to then that's fine. But don't live out your faded dreams of stardom through him. You want the kid to make a lot of money and put you in a top notch retirement home someday. DON'T FUCK IT UP.

Age 10-12: Sometime around age 12 your son will invariably start masturbating. At this point it's time to learn him the birds and bees. Teach your son about sex in a straight forward and candid manner. Don't replace vagina and penis with their baby-talk equivalents. Teach your son how to avoid the evil women that run around in our society. Tell him all about women who punch a hole in the condom, don't use birth control correctly, take men for all they are worth, etc. Not all women are like this, but it's good to avoid the ones that are. While the right time to have sex is at 17, have your son carry a condom around at all times. You never know when these stupid kids are going to fuck and they might as well have protection. Teach him that there are like 9 different forms of contraception for women and only one for men. The fact that birth control makes her fat and bitchy is no excuse to ride without a rubber. BUYER BEWARE!!!

Age 13-15: At around 13 your son should start listening to the Tom Leykis Show. He can explain many things better than you can and in addition to your instruction can help make your son a better man. If the Tom Leykis show is off the air in the future it is your responsibility to record the show now so you can play it for your son when he is ready to hear it. No excuses! At around 14 your son should have sex with a hot teacher. This is every man's dream. Imagine how you felt at age 14. You were practically a walking boner. If you managed to have sex with that one hot teacher who taught English you would have had bragging rights for the rest of your life. I had this one teacher, man, I must have rubbed one off about 500 times to a mental image of her. Oh man. At around age 15 let the boy go on the internet. At this point his sexuality is defined and he won't be warped by furries and men who wear rubber women suits.

Age 16-18: This is the home-stretch before adulthood. If you had listened to me this whole time your son should be in good shape for the real world. He'll know all of the things that he should and then some. He should be in good academic standing and be looking at the top schools. That savings account you opened 18 years ago? It should have some goddamn money in it. You'll use this for school and anything extra will go back into the account. Your son should also have a job by now. He should be working at a grocery store or in retail while attending school even if he doesn't need the extra money. Avoid fast food because you want him to learn what hard work is all about, not break his soul. Expose the boy to drugs and alcohol under parental supervision. Remove the mystique of illegal substances before he goes off to college. Smoke up with your son goddamnitt! When choosing a major avoid english, communications, and philosophy majors. Major in something like business or advertising and then apply those principles to the field you want to enter. If you know how to exploit your field and make money off of it you'll be in a better position than someone who simply knows how to use a comma properly.

Age 19-21: At this point your son should be in a good school, banging whores left and right, and becoming a successful young man. He should know how to play the system and women to his advantage. After he finishes school he'll have the charisma and intelligence he needs to get a good job, make tons of money, and land a trophy wife. He won't be posting on message boards asking how to wipe his own ass clear into his 30s.

I hope that you have learned something from this update and will apply some of these principles in your own child raising adventure. Me? I don't want children. They smell and I hate them.

Disclaimer: Spokker Jones and Something Awful LLC or its subsidiaries are not responsible for your child exploding, catching on fire, getting rejected by women, getting arrested, becoming a homosexual, becoming a furry, eating a grenade, or committing suicide. Follow these instructions at your own risk and stupidity.

The Weekend Web: We put the APE in RAPE!

Hello internet friends, Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez here with some forums fresh from the grill. The Internet grill! We have some Counter-Strike nerds, some Pokemon nuts, a dash of IN YOUR FACE AND OUT OF THIS WORLD FORUM POSTERS, and standard issue stupid teenagers. In essence it's just the same old shit.

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– Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez