Most people love kids. They are adorable, sometimes surprisingly clever, and they're always eager to speak their mind. That's why I have been continuing to journey to Mrs. Klinger's 3rd grade class at Whitebrook elementary school here in Chicago. Mrs. Klinger doesn't always like the questions I ask her students, but she's been very polite and cooperative. Thanks to her I am able to bring you an all new "Kids Say the Darnedest Shit."
Let's find out what those little scamps have been up to!
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 | "The south should rise again to teach us about togetherness, the cotton gin, and the entire 6,000 years of geologic history." |
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| "Oh come on, let the orcs vote." |  |
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 | "Send the minorities to their own country. I hear AIDS has almost cleared out Liberia." |
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| "Racism is a myth. The real problem is reverse racism. It's getting to the point where a white guy can hardly get into Harvard or get elected to the White House." |  |
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 | "As long as those Mexicans keep bending my delicious tacos I could not care less." |
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| "Mommy and daddy are gone?! Where did they go? Are they dead?" |
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| "I am a latchkey kid so I would just do what I usually do and suck the mercury out of broken thermometers." | |
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| "I would like to drink the funny juice that turns daddy into an incredible hulk and makes his punches stronger." |
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| "I would open my mouth as I plunge into the river Styx so that I can finally forget all of the terrible deeds that weigh heavy on my soul." | |
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| "All of the Royal Crown Cola mommy's money can buy!" |
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| "If North Korea really had nukes don't you think they would have bought a French submarine for a launch platform by now?" |
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| "What do I look like, some sort of political analyst? I'm in the third grade! Besides, I'm far too busy composing my latest cantata to worry about which way the wind is blowing in some third world dictatorship on the other side of the globe." | |
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| "I don't know if they have nuclear bombs or not, but I fully support Dear Leader in his effort to throw off the imperialist aggressors of America and unite Korea in a new era of peace and cooperation." |
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| "I saw a guy with a sign that said 'what about America's weapons of mass destruction?' and that made me think; I really want to punch that guy." | |
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| "They probably do, so hopefully we'll invade them after we're done with Iran and Syria." |
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| "It doesn't really matter where, so long as it's in a state that allows concealed carry." |
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| "I would like to see the ruins of Golgotha and walk through the crumbling gutters that carried the blood and filth of a dead Christ." | |
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| "I think that I would probably want to have my next birthday in some third world country like Rwanda or Indiana just so I can rub my family's wealth and prosperity in the noses of the permanently destitute." |
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| "Like all Vikings I wish to sup at the right hand of Odin in the hallowed halls of Valhalla." | |
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| "I want to go to Egypt because I think that's probably the only way I can get the ghost of Anwar Sadat to appear during a séance." |
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| "I am partial to the Tomb Raider lady. She has really nice child-bearing hips and I would like to kiss her and then have a Pac Man as a baby." |
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| "Dig-Dug because like me he is caught in an endless fight against grave robbers." | |
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| "Sonic the Hedgehog loves chili dogs! I hate them, so whoever finally successfully kills him has my vote." |
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| "I really empathize with the guy in Doom 3. Like him I suffer from a rare condition called Uniform Refractive Corneal Dysphasia that makes everything dark and laminated." | |
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| "Mario stomps turtles to death, I stomp turtles to death. My mommy says we are quite a pair. She even calls me Luigi and then I throw a dead turtle at her and that quiets her down for a little bit." |
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| "I don't think cars are appropriate when technology provides us with much more ecologically sound alternatives to never getting laid like the Segway." |
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| "My daddy hates SUVs and I hate my daddy so take a wild guess." | |
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| "Something with a lot of trunk space and a rubberized non-absorbent liner that can be completely sterilized with bleach." |
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| "I think I would like to get one of those Mini Cooper cars because I want to grow up and be hugely fat and nothing is funnier than a fat guy in a tiny car." | |
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| "By the time I'm 16 we'll all be dead in the Rapture anyway. I guess if you mean drive in Heaven I would say that you would not need to drive because Heaven is a lie and there is only the cold blackness of oblivion beyond the final door of death." |
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| "Mankind dare not venture further into that black beyond, for lurking on the threshold of that abyss are beings incomprehensible and dangerous to our feeble minds." |
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| "How can our government afford to spend money on a rocket when there are people all across America living in the streets and eating dirt without a rocket of their own?" | |
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| "I think we should send a probe deep inside Uranus. I would like to know more about how the core composition and tectonic movements of Uranus contribute to the unusual alignment of the planet's magnetic fields." |
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| "The moon is not fully subjugated. I demand a second assault wave preceded by a massive nuclear bombardment." | |
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| "NASA should probably focus its attention and resources on getting me off this crappy rock." |
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| "Does Britney Spears count as a musical group? I would like to be in her." |
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| "Fitty' is my main street nigga, finga on the trigga, got a problem to resolve, and my britches gettin' bigga. Ha ha ha. Honestly I have no idea what I just said I think blacks are hilarious." | |
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| "I think I want to be in U2 because I like to be very proactive politically and I think Boner has a cute butt." |
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| "Is the Pillsbury Dough Boy still rapping about crescent rolls? I really like those." | |
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| "I want to be in Motley Crue because I think it would prove to be a nonjudgmental environment for my crippling dyslexia." |
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If you enjoyed hearing from Mrs. Klinger's class please let me know! Maybe I can persuade her into letting me pay yet another visit. There are only a couple more months in the schoolyear so hopefully I can get back before a new batch of little troublemakers fill up her homeroom.
– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)
