The Overly Optimistic Futurist's Guide to Dating in the Post-Singularity

Before you can decide who you are looking for, you must first decide who you want to be. Are you a free-floating post-physical brain echo? Are you a pangendered hypersexual AI designing your own body to download and grow at your Maker Vat? Are you a humanist clinging to the pre-diaspora? Whoever you are going to be, be the best of that person.

As an example, you could be an asexual cat angel modeled on Benedict Cumberbatch. Having transcended your physical birthform you are capable of downloading your consciousness into any form you can imagine. It is a trivial thing to make a body capable of sports. You could even make a body that can shoot a basket. It's easy and no one is impressed by any feats of athleticism.

With global warming solved using green nanobots and our energy crisis averted thanks to orbital mirror stations and the space elevator, everyone has access to full brain upload and download. Money is no longer a thing we concern ourselves with and we are all able to become the beautiful Asian women we have always wanted to be.

To find the suitable pleasuremate for your enjoyment you will first want to decide whether or not simulated pleasure is sufficient. It is actually far better than any real sort of romance or sex, consisting of episodes of TV shows which you can relive or alter as a main character of your choosing. Make love to any cartoon character or Fringe villain or spend hundreds of lifetimes locked in romance with a Judge Judy plaintiff stored in the completely open data archive located offshore atop a massive tidal generator.

If you are not satisfied with this sort of superior stimulation, you can enter the body you have constructed and begin your search for a physical pleasuremate. Novices to dating should begin by creating a copy of their personality module and uploading this into a physical body you find pleasing. That way you can experiment with various pickup lines and sex moves without risking the humiliation of rejection. If you've already dated yourself at least once, you are ready to search for the right mate. Try entering "I WANT A DATE" and you will be matched with a perfect date by the dating search.

Going on a date can be exciting and memorable. You can visit any planet in the solar system for your date so long as your new body can withstand the environment. Keep in mind AIs can be very picky about who they date, so don't get your feelings hurt if you are an inferior flesh being or uploaded consciousness. Even someone blessed with autism can't keep up with an AI. You just don't have the calculation speed to get an AI excited. They will sometimes go on millions of dates per second with other AIs to create the perfect date.

Food is no longer needed. Movies and live performances are inferior to simulations, so mostly you will want to go to a park or garden. Pleasure gardens will be located on many planets and also suspended in the air using advanced blimp technology developed by computer modeling. Have fun. Do things that interest you like becoming nebulae or visiting the furry Roman empire. Pay attention to whatever your date is saying. Do not talk about Lego bricks or bit torrenting. Make eye contact and smile.

When it is time to engage in intercourse you should begin by explaining everything you wish to do in exhaustive detail. Of course you cannot have any children because that will be outlawed, but other than that there will be no judging your kinks or your inability to perform sexually.

After, your date will end and you can decide whether you wish to have another date, cancel all future dates, or delete all memory of the date. Then you can discard the useless husk of your body and return to the pristine realm of data.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)