Internet Relationships Suck

Hello semi-loyal weekend readers! I have something rather personal to talk about this Saturday. No, I don't have crabs again, thankfully; the problem is that I'm having some trouble sustaining a meaningful online relationship. It's true. Despite my pretty as a "My Little Pony" looks, and an almost disgusting amount of wit and charm, it's just not happening for me. While online relationships are convenient for pasty, social rejects such as myself, oftentimes they are filled with lies and deceit. Reality is never what it seems online, as the truth is masked by lines of code like in the movie "The Matrix", but with less Keanu Reeves on wires. Yes, I know I sound bitter about Internet relationships, but you would be too if you once paid for your online girlfriend's art school, but it turned out she was using the money for NASCAR collectables from Ebay, and was really a 50 year old man from Texas with no teeth. I was so upset that I almost broke up with her.

Alas I'm in a quandary. Swearing off online relationships means I have to go out in the real world and meet women, and that means I have to put on pants. This is unacceptable. So it looks like I'm stuck with the filthy old interweb to find me true love, or a 5-minute hand job in the Jack in the Box parking lot 1,000 miles away. I even updated my profile with some sexy pictures of me shirtless playing an axe guitar on top of a Corvette, and one with me shirtless holding a kitten (to show my sensitive side.) The response was overwhelming, but like always, the results disappointing. I have so much experience at online dating that I can pretty much sum up most of the girls I have run across in a stereotypical, and hopefully downright hilarious manner. Here are the few examples of the type of girls I've dated through my online Internet browser computer.

Nice girl with severe emotional problems

This kind of girl represents about 80% of the young females you will meet online, and much like a moray eel hiding in a reef, she can be the most dangerous. To all appearances, these girls seem very down-to-earth, intelligent, and stable. They usually are students or young professionals who may or may not own a Ford Focus. Everything seems nice and fine for the first couple months, and then she starts dropping hints at her troubled past. Of course you blow these off since nobody is perfect, and you're craving some e-vagina badly. After a couple more months when everything seems to be going fine, she'll mention that she was molested by a clown and can't look at peanuts without having a panic attack. "Okay…" you think, but still you do not trust your natural instincts to flee, and the relationship continues. Then one day it happens. You return home to find your guinea pig boiling in a pot, your bathroom on fire, and her covered in magic marker sobbing in the corner of the bedroom. After you break up with her, there is a 95% chance she'll send you some bad poetry.

Extremely deceiving.

Overly gentle and nice.

Can be artistic.

Listens to Tori Amos.

Owns, like, 8 cats.

Twice divorced older woman with raging hormones

Whenever I post a personal ad, I get a huge amount of responses from divorced 40-something women who are horny as Michael Jackson watching Nickelodeon. Before I get random e-mails from people accusing me of an Oedipus complex, I've never seriously responded to these women, but I have asked them questions out of curiosity. Such as, "If I come over, will you make me dinner?" or, "Will your kids mind if I come over and give you the hardcore sexing?" If you are a younger lad like myself, having an online relationship with somebody twice your age cannot be considered a healthy relationship in the least, although it may have some good benefits. One of them is that there is a good chance she has kids your age, and you can play their X-Box games. There is also a good chance that she has a good paying job and will buy you a lot of cool stuff like remote controlled cars and gold chains.

Really horny.

May include benefits, like her buying you stuff.

Watch out for teenage son who may beat you up.

Might be married.

Time to break up if you accidentally call her Mom.

Fat women who lie about their weight so they can eat you

At the end of all my personal ads I like to add the line, "Please: no fatties." Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against heavy girls at all, but I'm just honest that it's not what I'm looking for. Sure I realize that I have super high standards because I'm so cool and perfect in every way, but I think I'm being fair that I'm trusting people to tell me the truth about their weight. Sadly I've fallen for many a trap by these tubby temptresses telling me that they were of normal weight for months, only to find out that they weigh a couple of tons during our first meeting together. This is exactly why it is imperative that you never meet a girl for the first time at her house, for it could be a trap set by a large Internet predator. I can't go into great detail, but this foul trick is how I almost lost my life. When I arrived at her house, the various skulls and margarine wrappers strewn around the porch should have tipped me off, but I foolishly continued inside. Once inside, a husky voice beckoned me to the bedroom. As I opened the bedroom door, something enormous leapt on me, almost crushing all my bones. Luckily I had my trusty sword "Sting" pointed upwards, and it pierced the fell beast, making it screech in pain and flee back into its lair filled with KFC buckets and shredded pizza delivery boy outfits. It was the worst date ever.

Will lie about weight to get you into her lair.

Can be distracted by ham for a quick escape.

Feeds on the corpses of the foolish.

Requires bulldozer and crane for outdoor dates.

Only +2 sword of Elfish make can harm her.

Goth/Angst chick

A common find on the Internet dating circuit, these dark maidans that wear the latest pet fashions and are full of melodramatic meanderings are nothing but trouble. While angsty girls are more apt to give you some wild sex, it's not even close to being worth the trouble. Not only will you be bombarded with terrible dark poetry, but there is also a 78.2% chance that she wants you to wear a dog collar with leather chaps, and change your name to Darkstarr. They usually embrace their look to be unique, even though there are tens of thousands of these angsty chicks raging against the machine on the Internet. My doctor recommended that I don't date these girls anymore, because getting raped repeatedly with a barbed wire strap-on while hanging from a harness is apparently bad for my colon.

Owns every Marilyn Manson and NIN album.

Uses more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker.

Forces e-boyfriends to play Vampire: The Masquerade online.

Will beat you up if you try to play your Jazz CDs.

Makes Vogon poetry sound good.

8-year old Korean prankster

By far the most deceiving and sly of online relationships, the 8-year old Korean prankster is becoming more of a common occurrence on dating networks. Unfortunately, I have been in one of these relationships. Now before you start reporting me to the FBI as some Internet pedophile, let me tell my sad tale. One day I got a response to my new personal ad that had the picture of me shirtless on a beach with a newborn puppy. It was a "girl" named Sarah who said she really liked my descriptions of a perfect date being an intimate heavy petting session in a Jacuzzi full of champagne. We chatted on and off for a month and grew closer. After some subtle hinting on my part, she sent me her picture, and boy did she look stunning! I couldn't wait to meet her, but she keep putting it off, saying that she is on a cheerleading squad and has to travel a lot for competitions. So, after about a year of e-dating and multiple cyber makeout sessions, she drops the bomb: she is really an 8-year old Korean boy who has been playing me for a fool and printing out our chatlogs for general mockery at his grade school playground. I felt crushed, betrayed, and backstabbed. Despite the diabolic nature of this prank, I felt that over the year we really did build something between us, so I refused to give up on the relationship. I cannot go into further details of my dealings with Ching Pow-Chang for legal reasons.

Has own transportation (bicycle or tricycle).

Master of electronic disguise.

May ask for credit card number.

Strong legs from frolicking all day.

Dad may chase you around with katana if you show up for a date.

You know gang, this update has really made me think about how computers have changed society and how people develop relationships over the Internet. Thanks to computers, reclusive geeks such as myself are now in contact with females, and are being given a chance to breed spawn, thereby spreading recessive genes that should die along with that person. Take Ben "Greasnin" Platt for example. 100 years ago, he would have been shunned by females and died alone and afraid, but thanks to the Internet and some MSPaint hair, he's a regular ladies man. Unfortunately, Greasnin fell for the "fat woman trap", and was devoured whole a fews days ago. He will be missed. (Not really). Toodles!

(Greasnin death reenactment crafted by forum goon SlickWombat. Never forget.)

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– Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz