The Rings of Online Gamer Hell

Welcome to Gamer Hell, where those who committed sins in online games must pay for their crimes against noobs for eternity. The punished live in endless agony, separated in rings based upon their misdeeds.

Ring of Players that were Aimless

Guilty of camping with a sniper rifle at spawn or endlessly farming alone, they are welcome entries to Gamer Hell. For their sin of not pushing to finish the game, they are forced to play the tutorial for all of eternity. In their tedious agony, they will learn and relearn how to crouch [X button/ctrl], to reload [left trigger/R], and to enter the buy system works [Press F to talk to shopkeeper], but they will never have a chance to do it.

Ring of Players of MOBAs

This ring of hell overflowing with those that play DOTA, LOL, or whatever awful game consumed their time on earth. Their punishment is to continue playing the game that cursed them to Gamer Hell. There are no locks on the doors of this ring; the doomed seem to be doing it on their own.

Ring of Players asking "R U A GIRL?"

These are those guilty of not getting over the fact that women play video games. Before Gamer Hell, they caused games to devolve into baseless assumptions or awkward attempts at flirting. Now they must pay the ultimate price of playing on offline servers with poorly programmed bots. Because the complex notion that diverse people play games was too much, all the bots can do is talk about ethics in game journalism.

Ring of Players streaming on Twitch

A whole ring of Gamer Hell is devote to those with egos inflated enough to think that they should start a Twitch stream. While everyone else was having fun, they begged everyone on their friend list to watch them play. They worked on their brand and spammed their URL in game, but offered neither the skill nor personality necessary to be amusing, and yet there they were, night after night, thinking that they were worth watching. Their streams had a record high of six viewers, a daily average of .3, a max donation of two dollars from a cousin, and now they are doomed to Gamer Hell, where they are all forced to shout the same copy/pasted meme at one another until the end of time. It is a punishment that most had already begun years earlier.

Ring of Players without Communication

This ring of Gamer Hell comprised of those who could not communicate with their team, but kept being annoying until forcibly muted. It could be a broken mic that unleashes feedback. It could be an eight year old screaming cyka blyat. It could be someone listening to Rush so loud it drowns out their voice. It could be an endless cycle of jajajajajajaja. It does not matter. They remain in Gamer Hell until they can form a language complex enough to escape, but it never goes beyond basic racism.

Ring of Players with Sick Gamer Gear

Those that believed that vanity equates to skill. The buyers of cosmetics and DLC gear who mocked others for not having such shiny pixels. In Gamer Hell, the poor shall overcome the hat barons. Removed from their wasted income, they are forced to climb an endless mountain of mechanical keyboards and enormous headphones while they are blinded with blue flashing LEDs.

Ring of Players who refused Reflection

The second worst ring of hell is for those that cannot analyze their own actions. Despite all odds and evidence, they managed to insist that they are a flawless representation of God's blessing upon the clicks per minute. They called you a noob without mentioning their own 2-30 record. They screamed lag for their missed shots. They raged at their team when the whole server told them to shut up. They bragged about their skill when they just did the same combo over and over again. In Gamer Hell, those that refused Reflection must play together in games that are both unwinnable and endless. They scream and fight for eternity, a constant misery of loathing, never again to taste victory.

The Core of Gamer Hell

Only one person occupies the core of Gamer Hell: You. You are forced to play with the worst humanity has to offer and it is happening right now in real time. While all the others are here because they are punished, you do this to yourself. You do it and you think it is fun. This is the end. There is no escape.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)