I Would Rather Die Than See a Premature Holiday Display at a Store

I'm brassed off about these holiday displays creeping into August. Really peeved. I cannot believe these stores aren't even waiting for summer to end before putting out their holiday displays. What kind of world do we live in? A sick, sad world is the answer.

• Are you kidding me?At Target store there was already a skeleton loose. No leashes, no cage, they just put a skeleton loose in their store. It was taking all the bikes down from the racks and wearing three helmets at once. I saw it try out a skateboard. It might have been a teenager skeleton.
• The Christmas cowboy was up at the muffler shop. I asked them if it was really appropriate to put up Christmas cowboy before Thanksgiving and they asked me to leave and also put on a shirt to cover up my pornographic gang tattoos. I will never bring them my muffler.
• At Popeye's Fried Chicken they did a Halloween song to a customer. The one about the goat. I told them that my cousin is a soldier in Iraq and he doesn't deserve to come home to this. They also asked me to put a shirt on so I threw my muffler behind the counter and told them that I prefer my biscuits from Cheddar Bay.
• Red Lobster celebrates Lobster Days at this time of year. It's calendar appropriate but I oppose the veneration of crustaceans. They don't need to be getting any ideas.
• Dave from Batteries Plus had no problem saying "happy holidays" to someone buying a lantern battery. That someone happened to be yours truly and I told Dave, if that is even really his name, that I don't own a lantern. And I don't have money to pay for a battery. Two can play at this game of deception. Your move, "Dave."

• They put this up ALREADY?Spotted a bowl of Halloween candies at the receptionist for my therapist. I waited until the receptionist left her desk and I used my cane to push the bowl of candy into the garbage. When one of the other patients ratted me out behind my back I asked to speak to my therapist and then threatened suicide if they put the candy back on the counter. She agreed we would revisit the candy issue. Small victories.
• At Brooker Middle School they were holding a science fair and I mistook several dioramas for Nativity Scenes. I was told to leave after smashing the dioramas even though I was originally asked to participate as a judge alternate for the science fair and I don't know what smashing is if not a form of judging. Jesus could have been born in a volcano.
• They are selling apple cider at the Kroger's. Not technically a holiday item and also I like apple cider so I bought some. Still, I'm onto you, Kroger's. Bring out those pumpkins before late September and I swear on my own grave that I will use all of my counterfeit WIC coupons to buy infant cereal elsewhere.

• I went to the Farm & Fleet store to buy a wheelbarrow for my obese cat and I saw they had a ghost cutout tacked up by the feed bags. I cried about my mother's death until they took it down and made them say a prayer with me and promise never to put a ghost cutout back up until October.
• I was asked to leave a TGI Fridays but it was for not wearing my shirt again and they did not have any decorations up related to holidays.

Those last two aren't so bad, but I am frankly disgusted by some of these stores and I am thinking about forming a boycott although I already refuse to use currency and make all my purchases by bartering with my white magic spells. I will remove a curse from any pet except tarantulas and I can put a ward on your bed to protect you from Rosacea. I will use my magic to give you good dreams if you give me a ride to therapy on Tuesdays.

Thank you for reading. Arlene, if you post Spoopy on my Facebooks again I am going to block you.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)