Inactive Fiction

You are sitting in a pirate's lap as he reads stories to you. The weathered book in dread pirate Jim Bagleaducia's hands has been opened to Bartleby the Scrivener, Herman Melville's exciting tale of a young office worker whose repeated use of the phrase "I would prefer not to" personifies our mortality and the failure of our best intentions. Bagleaducia's lap is comfortable, if a little piratey. Without warning, a lightning bolt crashes -

*BZZZORT!*

- and the world goes black. You find yourself lying prone on a cold and dusty floor made of stone. Upon standing up, a small chain hanging from above gently taps against the side of your face. You pull the chain, clicking a solitary uncovered light bulb to life. Its soft glow reveals that you are in a cramped and bare closet.

To the left a MIRROR hangs on the wall, and directly ahead of you is a DOOR.

>open door

You cannot open door.

>turn doorknob

You cannot turn doorknob.

>god damnit

There is no god.

>eat doorknob

You cannot eat doorknob.

>look in mirror

You look in the MIRROR and are surprised to see that the face looking back is not your own, but the face of Bartleby which you had envisioned in your mind's eye. Upon further study of your reflection, you realize that you are wearing a string around your neck with a KEY tied to it.

>use key on doorknob

It doesn't work that way.

>search pockets

In your pockets, you find a small bottle of GLUE and a commemorative ELVIS PLATE which is rather lovely.

>combine key and elvis plate

Using the GLUE as an adhesive (imagine that!), you attach your KEY to the ELVIS PLATE and create an ELVIS KEY PLATE. It hums softly with the dark whispering of a forbidden and long-forgotten magic.

>use elvis key plate on door

You press the ELVIS KEY PLATE against the DOOR entirely too hard, turning the ELVIS KEY PLATE into a pile of USELESS CRAP. The DOOR remains unchanged.

>get useless crap

I said it's useless. No.

>kill Batman

You killed Batman.

>oh shit, sorry

No problem. The psychic abilities which had laid innate within you before being unleashed in the psionic blast which senselessly killed Batman have now been depleted. You can no longer use them to escape this closet.

>exit game

You cannot exit game.

>sob uncontrollably

Someone wandering by the door happens to hear your sobbing.

"Hello? Is someone in there? My name is Jumpkick Jones and I'm a famous rock star/kung fu expert. I could use someone to make out with the surplus of hot groupies backstage at my concerts and to aid me on my action-packed lifelong quest to find the lost city of Atlantis and the treasures within, including a pair of relics which grant their holders eternal life. Just say the word and I'll open this door, beginning an incredible journey full of mystery, excitement, ninjas, laser guns, and sights that no man has ever seen. What do you say?"

Your dialogue options are:
- "I would prefer not to"
- Exit Game

>say "Yes! Get me out of here!"

Invalid response.

>Exit Game

You cannot exit game.

>eat universe

You cannot eat universe yet.

> say "I would prefer not to"

Jumpkick Jones leaves without a word, and in his trail you can make out the sounds of explosions, chainsaws, and the distinct *thwap* of ghosts being punched in the crotch.

>have abortion

You cannot have an abortion without your parents' consent.

>eat mirror

You cannot eat mirror.

>move mirror

Grunting as your muscles strain, you pry the mirror from the wall along with the nails which held it in place. Upon setting it aside, you find a HOLE in the wall where the MIRROR once hung. Man-sized, this HOLE is a mere five feet long and opens upon a lawn of the lushest and most green grass you have ever seen. A butterfly lazily flutters past. After your eyes adjust to the sunlight, you are able make out a street running perpendicular to the building you're in and beyond the street lies a business front. The gigantic sign adorning the roof of the building reads "VAGINA YELLERS INC. - We yell 'vagina' for only $2!" in bold yellow letters upon a red background. Sweet sweet freedom and all the yelling that comes with it is only five feet away.

>crawl through hole

You cannot crawl through the HOLE. You might mess it up.

>seriously, crawl through hole

You cannot crawl through the HOLE. You might mess it up.

>scream for help

Every desperate scream you let loose is drowned out by a man yelling "VAGINA!" across the street. Business is booming for him, and you'll likely never be heard.

>eat hole

You eat the hole in one ravenous bite, leaving a perfectly solid wall in front of you. There is absolutely no way out of this room now.

>Exit Game

You cannot exit game.

>go to daily dirt intro

Illustrating your inability to create a satisfying ending once again, you end the article abruptly. You proceed to write cheesy one-liners to introduce the Daily Dirt and State Og, followed by an uninspired lambasting of the Awful Link Of The Day.

I hope you like your Daily Dirt extra boring, because I cooked up a big heaping plate of boring just for you and also for everyone else who clicks here.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)