Hentai Invasion: Paradise Heights 2

This February I took time out from my busy schedule of not being funny and trying to convince my next door neighbor's cat to do anal so that I could review some Japanese Hentai computer games for you. I actually only ever reviewed one of them; a classy little romp entitled "Immoral Study 2". In the game you play the role of a teacher who is tutoring a feisty and attractive young student on how to jam various dangerous objects into her vagina. My review was very well received and as a result I was sent about 500 e-mails asking where the game could be downloaded and about 20 e-mails saying the article was funny. Because of this I have steeled my otherwise prudish sensibility and delved into a second Hentai game to review for you.

Without further ado I will transport you to another world, a world where a dorky loser who works at a toy maker can get more action from teenage girls than R. Kelly, the world of "Paradise Height 2"!

Paradise Heights 2Yes, in this amazing futuristic world I can say...connect to a computer in Japan that is hosting a bunch of idiotic porno games for sociopathic nerds and perverts!"Talking of which, do you want to know what's been happening at Paradise Heights?"

Keigo, the game's dull hero, asks this rhetorical question in the opening moments of Paradise Heights 2. He proceeds to tell you, for what seems like an hour, about everything that happened in the first Paradise Heights game. All of this blabbing occurs over an infinitely exciting still shot of his loser nerd apartment. Believe me when I say that I could not click the "next" button in the corner fast enough.

All of these horrible dating and sex simulator games seem to be based on the time-tested concept of "mindless repetition". You click through endless streams of dialogue completely unrelated to the all-important task of jamming things into cartoon character's crotches. Even when you get to the hotly awaited crotch-jamming sequences invariably they are just another stream of even more ridiculous dialogue like, "oh…nnnnnnhhh…ahh….my thing is going to squirt!" I suppose for some pasty Asian kid shut-in who is used to playing "Final Fantasy Chocobo Squawk Pit" this endless waiting for any option other than "next" serves to build up anticipation.

The easiest way to turn a woman on is to shove her down and make fun of how stupid she is.I speed-clicked my way through the little introduction and soon Keigo was out the door of his apartment and on his way to work. Naturally the first thing he did was bump into the girl who had just moved into Paradise Heights, knocking her to the ground and causing her to spread her legs. He did what any gentleman would do in such a situation and criticized how clumsy she was while refusing to help her up. Leaving her in the dust like a regular Casanova, Keigo heads out to get some breakfast and you are introduced to another character who you will no doubt have ridiculous sex with in the near future. Always Johnny-on-the-spot with the helpful tips, Keigo naturally offered up some hot advice; "You know, if you have too much sex, you'll get all dry and wizened!!"

Apart from being the worst conversationalist ever, he apparently has some magical ability to be a complete fuck up at work. The instant he gets to the office he gets harassed by his boss - who he will obviously being having sex with once I can click through enough menus - for losing some stupid files I couldn't care less about. Then she introduces his new assistant and, DUH DUH DUHHHHHH, are you ready for this? IT'S THE GIRL HE KNOCKED OVER ON HIS WAY TO WORK! What an amazing plot twist that I am completely apathetic about! Also his boss is her older sister or her brother or uncle or something, I don't know I was clicking past the text so fast it sort of blurred together.

After work he runs into assistant girl again and this time she is with her two hot friends who you will of course be running up in like their names were Boston Marathon and 100 Yard Dash. They make sexy faces (read: blank and haunting huge-eyed stares) at him and invite him to a little get together they are having in the apartment one floor up from his. Here is where you have the first actual option in the game, in this case the option of either saying "yes" or "no" to their stupid party. I said "yes" because I assumed that would finally get me to some kinky sex and I'd have something funny to write about.

Lies, all lies! I did not knock around with this unusual fellow!We parted way for the time being and Keigo thought it would be a marvelous idea to wander around his apartment building. Whiling enjoying this exciting activity I ran into his incredibly gay friend who Keigo makes comments about along the lines of "this guy is really odd" and "there is something a little off about him." THANKS FOR THE HOT TIP KEIGO, THE MAN COULD NOT LOOK ANY GAYER IF THERE WERE COCKS FLYING INTO HIS MOUTH FROM EVERY DIRECTION. He really has nothing important to say other than some girl I have not yet even met was looking for me. I send him packing and head upstairs to check on the party when I run into this girl who I supposedly know, maybe she flashed on the screen earlier at the restaurant when I was clicking quickly through text.

She demands that we have sex right there and she can't hold her crotch in check for the two seconds it would take to walk down to my apartment. Disappointingly it turns out to be normal sex and I buzz through the screens of "UNNNNNNNNNN THERE!" and "My pussy…is…about to…burst!" rapidly and then send her packing as well. Party time? No, first I have to go down to my apartment and get a bottle of wine, which is done in a pulse-poundingly intense sequence where I stare at my empty apartment and Keigo narrates trying to find the right bottle of wine. EDGE OF MY FUCKING SEAT PEOPLE!

I went upstairs with my carefully selected bottle of mystery wine and entered the pleasure drome! So many wonderful things to jam into so many wonderful crotches, I barely knew where to begin! I took a screenshot and labeled all of the likeliest sex toys in the apartment along with their function. This should aid you on your wondrous quest through the lands of my perverse imagination.

1. This is either some sort of flying jellyfish or a lampshade. If it's a jellyfish it will have tentacles which can be inserted into any orifice, if it's just a lamp shade it can easily be turned upside down and urinated into. In Japan "golden showers" are a means of honoring the spirits of fallen samurai.
2. This looks like a break-away emergency panel mounted on the wall containing an emergency dildo. Contrary to popular belief, dildos are not widely used in Hentai games because programmers prefer to jam dangerous objects into crotches rather than objects designed to be jammed into crotches.
3. I think this is a dinner plate or a prospector's gold pan. I intend to be panning for "a…nnnnn…pussy…that…is about to…explode" with this bad boy at any moment.
4. Pencils belong in assholes and if you don't believe me then you are a fool.
5. The foppish hat on this stuffed leprechaun is just pointy enough to be used as an anal toy, the feather in his cap will no doubt tickle the clitoris until the subject of my assault urinates in a lampshade and summons the ghost of her samurai ancestors.
6. There are two bears, one is smaller than the other, are you thinking what I'm thinking? I really hope not.
7. This cat is poised and ready for action. That is not a tail, and that knowing smile tells you everything you need about his ability to use it.
8. I'm not sure if that dog is real or a toy, but I am sure I don't give a damn! No matter what it will come equipped with something highly jammable which I will no doubt jam somewhere!

Because you scare me silent eyeball beast.Unfortunately, all my theories about the exciting items to be found in this room turned out to be incorrect. Instead I was treated to another boring talk-fest with awkward conversation and some HOT HOT HOT drink-on-blouse action that was impossible to see coming! When I left the party I met up with that girl who I supposedly knew and I engaged in more regular boring non-crazy-Japanese sex with her.

It was at this point that I lost all hope for the game. While it was overflowing with uncensored hardcore sex, it was also boring as all fuck and not half as crazy as Immoral Study 2. Luckily for me when I found this game available for download, I also found about a dozen of the craziest games I've ever seen. Most of them were in Japanese only but since I basically ignore the text anyway I assume it really doesn't matter!

Before you all e-mail me and demand I send you this crap heap, I suggest you open google and search for "Free Hentai Games" or something similar. This will no doubt get you to a number of pop-up laden scumball web sites that will allow you to download this and many other quality games completely free of charge and illegally.

Photoshop Phriday

Hello, this is not Zack but rather Livestock. I'm stopping by to inform you that the planets have aligned once more and that somehow has something to do with the fact that it's Friday. On a completely unrelated note, it is also Photoshop Phriday! This week the Goons whipped up a huge batch of images for all manner of video games that don't and hopefully won't ever exist! Unfortunately the same can't be said for those Hentai games Zack spends all his time playing. At the very least the Goons did come up with more original ideas in a couple of days than the entire gaming industry comes up with in a decade. John Romero, Lord British, or whoever the cool game designer to make fun of is these days should take note, as the goons are a force to be feared.

Stop on by! There's coffee cake and coffee!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)