Heart Smarts: The Deadliest Drink

"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

"Benjamin Franklin is a big, fat, stupid drunk." –Concerned Mother

Daddy drank. He beat me with old splintered turkey bones, swearing in his pagan Irish dialect, reeking of the foul tavern he'd just come home from. As a child, I didn't understand that it was the whiskey that transformed him into a wicked monster, and thought I deserved to be beaten because I had red hair and God hated me. With age and years of electroshock therapy, I came to understand that alcohol was an evil drug that can possess the souls of many good people, making them do terrible things. Today we are going to take a heart smart look into the world of alcoholism, and what you can do to protect yourself and your loved ones from becoming victims of its intoxicating, invigorating, and irresistible allure. Oh Jesus I need a drink, just one to get through this update. Just one.

As you may already know, I work on my Heart Smarts goodwill program full time, helping people fight off vices that plague their lives, like gambling and genocide. This is partially due to the fact that I have a master's degree in computer science and can't get a job as a Wal-Mart cart wrangler. Sure, this non-profit organization doesn't help pay the rent or buy groceries, but the knowledge that I am doing some good is enough to keep my spirits high so I have enough energy to avoid the landlord and steal from Farmer Maggot's crops. I don't like to think of it as the economic recession crushing all my hopes and dreams, but rather as an opportunity to give back to the community. The greedy, soul-sucking community. It takes and takes, sucking at my dry teat with its mealy black hole of a mouth, giving nothing back but gnaw marks on my raw nipples. Fucking community…

But I digress. In order to help all of you weak-willed and pathetic alcoholics out there, we first have to take a look at the different types of drinks that are produced by the corporations of America for our harmful consumption. If at any time you think I am just making this stuff up while I go, then you are wrong and need to shut up. You don't know the history of alcohol. I know the history of alcohol so you need to listen to me.

My father was a saint!

Beer: The most common form of alcoholic beverage is beer. Consisting of a slurry of fermented wheat, rye, and barley, this has been the drink of choice since the days of the caveman. He would come home from hunting dinosaurs or beating prehistoric monkeys with tapir femurs, and kick back with a tallboy of Natty Lite. Little has changed since then. Men work all day at their grueling jobs and come home to the one true friend who takes away all the stress and pain, if only for a few fleeting hours. Of course this is their six-pack of ice-cold suds. Even though beer is seen as a mostly harmless drink compared to the vice of hard liquor, it is thought to be the biggest cause of random naps and hilarious college deaths in the United States. The Super Bowl is the biggest beer drinking day of the year, and also has the most cases of spousal abuse; but then, it's also the biggest day for salty snacks, so the results are inconclusive on what's really causing all those halftime black eyes.

Wine: Wine is for snobs and homosexuals. Not that I have anything against homosexuals, but I sure hate yuppie snobs. Once in a while when I'm feeling fancy I'll go out and get a large jug or box of the stuff, but mostly I stay away from the "elf water". Elves are snobs.

Liquor: This is the good stuff. Since the early days of man letting things rot and then drinking it on a dare from his buddies, liquor has been the bane of mankind, causing whole societies to succumb to its terrible power. The empire of Ireland would rule Europe if it weren't for the malt whiskey that consumed the country, making once-great warriors into drunken derelicts, bartering with sheep over potato prospects and crooning under the waning moon. If it wasn't for vodka, Russia would have landed a dog on the moon and brought it back with moon treasures, instead of just shooting it into space and forgetting to get it back down because they got drunk while celebrating. As for myself, I would've been the president of the United States and a 7-time winner of the Tour de France if I didn't love my sweet Boonesfarm so much. Wait, that's a wine cooler, right? Ok, forget I said that. I can't find the backspace button. I probably shouldn't be drinking while writing this update.

Rubbing Alcohol: This is what people use when they are all out of booze and they don't have any money or a car. It tastes terrible but it does the job, as long as you don't mind vomiting blood and/or brain damage.

A large problem that many people face is that there isn't much to do in social situations that doesn't involve drinking, unless you only play Dungeons and Dragons and spend all day working on your bard kit, but even then you have the vice of Mountain Dew to contend with. Boredom is proven to be the largest catalyst for alcoholism. The proof for this theory is the countries of Poland, Latvia, and Russia. When there is nothing to do but play potato soccer and visit WW2 mass graves, it's easy to see how vodka can become an integral part of everyday life. The truth is the same to a lesser extent in America and Europe, where many times the only thing to do is to meet some friends at the local bar and knock back a few dozen cold ones while discussing the merits of regional sports teams.

Booze has ruined yet another Christmas.

Social drinking isn't that bad unless you do it constantly. It really starts gets dangerous when you do it alone, in the dark, while watching ghost programs on the Travel channel, and then think your downstairs neighbor flushing the toilet is a poltergeist coming to get you and falling into the shower in a drunken, sobbing mess and then ordering a dozen pizza deliveries but not having the money to pay. What's that noise???

The biggest problem when going out to drink is that somehow, someway, you must get your car back home. Forget about designated drivers, they are just a myth. Nobody wants to sit with a bunch of people drinking and having fun all night just so they can drive your slobbering ass home. And forget about cabs. The last time I was too drunk to drive and had Francisco the bartender (my best friend in the world) call a cab for me, I woke up the next day naked and crucified on Martin Luther King Drive, with my wallet stolen and a fresh circumcision. So, what can one do if they find they've been "over-served" and need to get their car back to their place of residence so they can pass out in the flower garden? If we are not going to stop people from drunk driving, we need to teach them to HOW to drive drunk. Here are some special tips that I've learned over the years to become a pro drunk driver. I currently have 4,400 hours of drunk driving time under my belt and have not had a single accident or fatality in over 28 months -- not counting last weekend, because that wasn't my fault.

Drunk Driving Tips

Before you get in the car, eat a bunch of garlic so if you get pulled over they won't be able to smell the alcohol on your breath. This will also protect you from vampire motorcycle gangs.

Practice makes perfect. Buy GTA: San Andreas, if you don't already have it, and get really wasted. Then try to drive as well as you can through the city streets, obeying all traffic lights and avoiding hitting black children on bicycles or picking up prostitutes. Next, try to get at least a $250 insane stunt bonus. It's pretty tough when you're drunk.

Take the back roads. The fewer obstacles on the road, the less chance that you will run into them head first. I normally drive off road through empty fields to avoid all lifeforms.

The tree Ents are out to get you. Whenever I drink and drive, the trees come alive to conspire against my safe passage home. They walk to and fro, sometimes appearing out of nowhere right in front of my car! They are by far one of the most dangerous enemies of a drunk driver.

Go to White Castle. Nothing will sober you up like a long wait in line to get some tasty burger gems from an underpaid immigrant worker. By the time you get your food, the alcohol should be out of your system and you can drive home with ease. Just don't eat your White Castle before trying to drive home or you will be in serious trouble.

Don't try to milk any rattlesnakes.

DON"T WEAR A SEATBELT. Trust me on this one. If you happen to get in a major accident while drunk then you will spend the rest of your young life in prison and get your cellmate's name tattooed on your ass with an ink pen and a lighter. It's a lot better to get thrown 100 feet out of the front windshield and become a piece of modern art.

If you start to swerve because of objects that you think you see on the road, like brick walls and goombas, then its time to pull over near a wooded area. Get out and look for some wild mushrooms so you can power up. Then put your car in drive and surf on the hood, like in the movies "Teen Wolf" and the less popular "Teen Wolf II".

My uncle Albert liked to get drunk and look for the Titanic. One day he never returned.

Staying safe on the road is only a short-term solution to the drinking problem that faces society. The truth is that alcohol is a dangerous substance, commercialized to be a socially acceptable drug that is consumed in regular and mass quantities. It causes major bodily harm, and a weakness of will and character. It also costs a lot of money, taking funds away from the public which could be spent on things to better their life, not harm it. So how does one immersed so deeply in this drink-crazy culture get away from it and live clean, free of the health and financial burdens of being an alcoholic? I've created a 10-step program that I like to call "Frolixo's 10-Step Program for Buns of Steel". I'm not just the club president, I'm also a member, but I don't have to pay because I would just be paying myself. That would be silly and waste time I frankly don't have.

1. Stop drinking.
2. Find any alcohol in the house and throw it in a padded box. Send the padded box to my address so I can "inspect" it.
3. Look in the mirror. Do you like what you see? Is this all a dream? Imaginary?
4. To substitute your craving for alcohol, try spinning in circles to get really dizzy, and then go the other way real fast. This will simulate a "buzz" for a few seconds and get you through those long days.
5. See step #1.
6. If you still have the cravings for alcohol, start a heroin habit. Nothing beats a bout of depraved alcoholism like a degrading heroin addiction.
7. Bring your own jug of "Kool Aid" to watch sporting events while your friends drink beer. If they jeer and mock you for it, run home and cry.
8. WILSON!!!!
9. The step is under construction. Pardon our dust.
10. Stop drinking so much you fucking pussy.

Hopefully this program will help any of you that are in need and don't know where to turn. To sign up for my program, please email me your name, age, sex, location, fetishes, social security number, bank account, Pay-Pal user name and password, and what you want for Christmas. Heart Smarts is dedicated to helping those who are afflicted with any disorder or vice, such as gambling, eating disorders, drugs, color by numbers, and Catholicism. We will get through this together*. God bless.

*By "together", I mean my gaggle of Heart Smart interns and a robot simulation of myself dancing to the popular music from the 80's.

I don't have any really funny Moof chatlogs but I do have is an authentic Eddie Murray rookie card signed by Moof in his own blood. MOOOOOOOOF! Read all about it in today's Daily Dirt, were I also dish out all tasty Internet rumors circulating about Zack Parson's baby elephant.

– Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz