Guys and Dolls

It all started like all things worth documenting in my life do: I was bored online looking at pictures of RealDolls. I'm absolutely fascinated with them, not as a fetish, but more of a curiosity I cannot comprehend. What drives people to having sex with an artificial woman? Despite the willingness of some of these deviants to model their silicone harems online, there is no explanation on what drives them to forsaking all hope of touching a real girl ever again.

One night, because I was really bored, I decided to find out what kind of individual would actively pursue a RealDoll for any sort of relationship. What better way of doing that then creating a profile on an online dating website? So I checked out [url='http://www.okcupid.com']OkCupid[/url], which claims to be the fastest, most effective dating site ever, powered by a matching system I invent. This would suit my needs perfectly, seeing as how I would be inventing an identity for a woman as well. A few questions and two uploaded photos stolen from this week's ALOD later, PyramidHeadGirl was born.

Next, I needed to fill out a profile that described this silicone model. I decided to keep things concise and "unfinished", to leave more to my potential suitor's imagination. I also left the profile short and sweet because I was lazy, and was afraid that if I put too much effort into describing the positive attributes of a Real Doll, I'd might accidentally fall in love with her. So PyramidHeadgirl was described as your typical nerdy, 5'5 120 pound sex doll with fully articulated limbs and a synthetic anus that was detachable for easy clean up. I was sure to emphasis her most desirable traits, just in case these delusional Casanovas had standards.

Next, I needed to answer some questions to better improve my matches. 100 questions and a test that determined I was 52% slut later, Okcupid informed me that they had "a pretty good understanding" on what I was looking for in a date. I answered a lot of them like this.

Finally, PyramidHeadgirl was good to go. The profile was only up for 4 days before it was deleted for being a gimmick account. In that short period of time "she" had received more than 246 Messages from Unique Individuals. Of that, only 8 of them indicated that they knew it was, in fact, a Real Doll and the profile was a sick joke. What they didn't know is that of the other people that this prank would turn into an hilarious, tragic Kinsey-like photo documentary on how terrible online dating websites are. Submitted for your approval:

The Things I have learned about the Guys on Okcupid:

You will not have to wait more than 3 minutes after uploading your photo, to be completely creeped out by an twenty something pervert

They will use cryptic baseball analogies to express interest in dating a RealDoll

They are down with role playing scenarios, such as “Married Thirtysomething and the Dutch Wife”

They are excited to worship a RealDoll and promote their porno art website, while incoherently talking dirty

They are not ashamed to tell you their preference of sex dolls

They will insinuate that they would like to have a threesome with their ugly girlfriends and a RealDoll

They will try to charm a RealDoll with their wit. They will fail miserably, every time.

They will try to romance a RealDoll with clichéd analogies to sculpting, when in reality RealDolls are lovingly assembled in a factory

They are curious if a RealDoll would ever make love to something that is lifeless

They will not hesitate to use The Mystery Method on a RealDoll in order to bed a RealDoll

They are sociopaths

Some of the women on Okcupid are no better than the men

They will make lame tries to get a RealDoll into bed by casually mentioning they are a photographer

They will get very defensive if you tell them that you are a RealDoll, and then delete their profile in shame after you tell them that you are doing it just for the purposes of shaming them (see the Daily Dirt for details)

Finally, I learned that if a RealDoll would like to get meet someone for video games and "something else”, the guy will be happy to meet up with you at a bowling alley. He will do this without getting your real name, phone number, email address, or a picture that indicates you are not a RealDoll.

Unfortunately, the profile was deleted the morning after I had convinced not one, but TEN of the gentleman callers to meet up with “me” at a Bowling Alley in San Francisco, at the same time Friday night. My attempts of trying to reach the individuals after the account was deleted. Well I think he showed up. I decided that I was too bored and lazy to waste my time on just one pervert, so I stood his ass up and blocked his AIM screenname.

Regardless, I think I've come to learn a lot about the people who would like to get it on with a truly fictional woman. Still, more data is necessary before we can draw any conclusions - hopefully the 14 other dudes I have interested will be meeting up with the RealDoll profile I made a few days ago for our date this Thursday night. But that is for a later update. Does anyone know if movie theaters charge admission for RealDolls?

– Caylen "Abraham" Burroughs