Have You Considered the Consequences of a Gun-Free USA?

So you feel America would be better off with no guns at all. Let's think this through.

The guns are gone. Now what happens to all those paper targets? Don't tell me you forgot about the paper targets. The ones hanging from little clips on fancy clotheslines at shooting ranges. With no guns to destroy these legions of paper bastards, they go unchecked. They accumulate.

Within two months the number of paper targets reaches a critical mass. The buildings that once contained them swell and burst, cracking open as tidal waves of paper targets spill out in all directions. After four months the flood overtakes our nation's streets and highways, cutting off all routes of egress. In less than one year the paper targets blanket the United States.

Lightning sparks countless fires. Toilets everywhere become clogged real bad. The average newborn baby's first sight is not the face of its mother, but a crude drawing of Barack Obama in a turban with a bullseye circling the jar of Grey Poupon he's clutching to his heart. The country is ruined. All because of your selfishness.

Now consider the lobbyists.

With no NRA to represent, they wander the halls of Washington and encourage politicians to vote. "On behalf of which industry?" ask the politicians. The lobbyists can think of nothing, so with uncomfortable frowns they reply, "I suppose the interests of the American people." The country is ruined.

What happens to the constitution when we repeal the second amendment? As we all know, the constitution's strength lies in the fact that it is an unchanging document intended by its creators to be worshipped like a religious relic. When it is questioned or altered in any way, the country is ruined.

Let us spare a moment of sympathy for all the people who just really want to own objects that create holes in other objects. These people become the real victims when guns disappear, their hobby unfairly taken away just so hundreds of thousands of lives can be saved.

Where do they turn? Office hole-punchers. Hole-punchers become part of their identity, expressed with the purchase of hole-puncher magazines, edgy masculine hole-puncher t-shirts, and hole-puncher YouTube channels featuring deranged fearmongering ghouls. It's never quite the same. For these people, the country is ruined.

Now that your "let's take away all the guns" plan has been exposed as short-sighted idealism, I'd like to circle back to something. Let's run through the absolutely impossible process of removing all those guns in the first place.

The manufacturing of firearms becomes illegal, so the number becomes finite. Every law abiding person turns in their weapons for, I dunno, a tax credit. We toss all the guns in a volcano and make a big show of it to subsidize the exchange.

Now only the criminals have guns! Shit! Shit shit shit! And when they commit the crimes they were going to commit anyway, those guns are confiscated and destroyed. In the volcano. The number of guns continues to go down. And every step of the way, there are fewer deaths.

According to my math, this results in infinite guns and infinite crime. You dumbass. Better to keep making additional guns forever.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)