ATTN: All Ice Cream Parlor Staff! Please Read!!!

Whenever it gets hot in here, ask and I can turn the A.C. up. Please stop dipping your arms and legs in the Fro-Yo containers in the back. Your dander negatively affects our product!

We do not have an official special sauce. Whatever you have been bringing in and using on sundaes has not been cleared by Corporate and must stop immediately.

When answering the phone, please say "Thank you for calling Ronnie's Cones and Coneys! How can I help you?" instead of "Weed Palace, here. We sell drugs." Hopefully that'll stop the confusion among customers and local law enforcement.

You cannot deny customers service based on looks!!!!

As some of you might recall, over the weekend a dead opossum was found in a puddle of melted ice cream and sprinkles behind the dumpster. If you know any information like, say, if the opossum died eating the ice cream or if it was frozen within one of our ice cream cakes as some sort of failed prank, please come forward.

Also, though bigger than the mice we commonly catch, a dead opossum is to receive the same disposal technique. Do not simply dump more ice cream on top and hope no one notices.

There's a right way and the wrong way to construct a sundae.
Thank you for being so friendly to our new hire, my son, Ronnie Jr. Life has been a bit difficult what with his mom and everything. He has a weak stomach, so I appreciate your understanding when he became sick while operating the milkshake machine. I don't approve you all taking him to the tattoo parlor, but he's excited to show you how it looks once it's done scabbing.

Do not eat off a customer's plate. Especially if they have yet to receive their order.

Deep fryers are for frying company food-stuffs only. You cannot simply dip hamburgers in and expect everything to be okay!

The following Ace Ventura quotes are now banned. "All righty then," "Laces out", "Finkle is Einhorn", and anything glove related

Customers are to pay full price for all food items whether they press their breasts against the order window or not.

We will be open on June 6th regardless of how badly you all want to watch the CMT Country Music Awards.

Counters and floor do not "develop a nice patina." When these surfaces are sticky, please clean them!

If a customer approaches the window while you're eating, feel free to say "I'll be right with you" as you wash your hands. Do not simply wipe your fingers on your shirt as you take his or her order.

Paper hats are to be crisp, clean, and free of Pantera emblems.

You are allowed to eat while you work. You can fill one sundae cup per shift with ice cream products only.

Shakes, floats, scoops, mix-ups, freezes are fine. Last week I saw one of you, I won't say names, squatting below the cash register with a cup overflowing with coney dogs and gravy. Please do not do this!

When asked why we no longer have whipped cream, come up with a friendly lie. Do not inform them of our problems regarding nitrous oxide inhalation. Thank you.

Asking customers if they'd like a larger order of fries is fine, but shouting "YOLO" repeatedly until they comply is a step too far.

Cockroaches, if caught, are not to be tagged, named, and released back into their environment.

Nail polish is a noxious odor and should not be used within the shop. Your toes shouldn't be exposed anyway.

Ronnie Jr. wants me to tell you that he thinks you guys are cool but he doesn't like the following nicknames: Lil Ron Barfinghood, Barf Queen, Barfin' Milkshake Massacre, and Boss's Lil Barf Baby.

Listening to music while you work is fine, but you cannot tell customers to "sit on their fat hands till Purple Rain finishes."

Closing procedures are clearly posted beside the mop bucket. As you can see, making and drinking 40oz. King Cobra floats is not on the list.

Dip mop head in clean soapy water instead of holding it beneath the soda dispenser.

We have a restroom. Please stop performing your potty business behind the dumpster.

While pulling the fire alarm might mean you can get home a bit earlier, please understand that we are billed for all emergency services.

Oreo sprinkles are to be scooped and poured using a plastic scoop. There is never a reason to drag your tongue across the crumbs. Even if you're making it for yourself.

Do not ask customers if they want to see your belly ring, scars, tattoos, or bald patches. Assume they do not.

Please file worker's comp. forms only when necessary. Yes: Cuts and broken bones. No: "Full Tummy from Coney Sauce", "Looking at Jenny's Ice Creem Ass All Day", "Bein Lame + Barfy, Signed Ronney Jr."

Do not talk about pubic hair with customers. Even if it is a joke!

Do not mock customers that want to enjoy their double coney dog and large curly fries with a Diet Coke.

It is still a No Call/No Show even if your absence is due to your mourning of the opossum.

The Shoe and Shirt requirement also applies to staff. This is not up for anymore discussion.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)