Candidate Questions Overlooked by the Associated Press

Early in the presidential primary season, when the race was still flush with candidates, the Associated Press asked seven Democrats and seven Republicans a series of questions completely unrelated to their presidential campaigns. The questions covered topics like favorite reality TV program (Duncan Hunter preferred the Outdoor Life Network) and most recent music purchase (Hillary Clinton picked up a copy of Carly Simon's "Into White"). The idea was to provide a fun glimpse at the normally unseen private lives of the presidential candidates.

The Associated Press asked seven Democrats and seven Republicans running for their party's 2008 presidential nomination a series of questions about their backgrounds, traits and tastes.

Unfortunately, the AP left a lot of important questions unasked. They also neglected to include former Democratic presidential candidate and now libertarian candidate Mike Gravel. In an effort to correct these oversights I sent emails off to the campaigns of the remaining candidates, including Mike Gravel. It is my hope that their responses to my questions can provide closure.

What fictional character has most inspired you?
John McCain Republican Nominee	"Ding Chavez. He taught me that no problem in this world can't be solved by a master key, a flash bang, and a double tap from a USP."
Barack Obama Democratic Front-runner	"I am always inspired by the plight of the tangos. How many of them must go down before Ding Chavez satiates his lust for blood? If they could just unite and work together they could easily overcome at least the door breach team. Of course, I was against their plan to steal MI6's laptop and then hold the ambassador hostage from the beginning."
Hillary Clinton Democratic Candidate	"Ding Chavez, although I always imagined him as a woman."
Mike Gravel Implacable Kook	"Mortimer Ichabod Marker. Picture Pages. He writes what we're all thinking. He writes it in his own blood."

What scares you?
John McCain Republican Nominee	"Grabbing a pretty girl's ass and then being told by one of my aides that she is my daughter."
Barack Obama Democratic Front-runner	"I cut myself shaving yesterday and I saw this little droplet of blood on my face and I just had to sit down. I mean, uh, I was confronted with reality. I realized, uh, I might not be an entity of pure energy and idealism born from hope and destined to guide the world into a new epoch of, uh, peace and prosperity. Then I paged through a copy of The Atlantic and got my bearings back, but for a second there, whew, very scary."
Hillary Clinton Democratic Candidate	"That my presidency might overshadow the Founding Fathers."
Mike Gravel Implacable Kook	"We eat chickens. We take a bird and we put it in our bodies. In our stomach it dissolves down into atoms and then those atoms enter our bodies. We do this every day all over the planet. Now, think about this: WE are the chickens."

Do you have any tattoos?
John McCain Republican Nominee	"CATNIP on my stomach in gothic text."
Barack Obama Democratic Front-runner	"Nothing yet, but I've been working with one of the guys from Miami Ink to come up with a sweet tribal that incorporates a basketball, a crucifix, a big-tittied mermaid, a skull, and a dolphin. I love dolphins. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, dolphins."
Hillary Clinton Democratic Candidate	"I have skeletons on the soles of my feet and written under them it says 'BHO' and 'JRE'. I will always walk on the bones of my enemies."
Mike Gravel Implacable Kook	"THUGGLYFE down my huge dick, sure."