Why I Won't Be Seeing the New Ghostbusters Movie

The Internet is in an uproar over the new Ghostbusters movie from director Paul Fieg that stars Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Kate McKinnon, and Leslie Jones as the new Ghostbusters. Fieg has been trickling out details on Twitter and set photos have stoked excitement for some and outrage for others.

Count me among those who won't be seeing these busting broads. The reasons are simple. The REAL Ghostbusters are and will always be Peter Venkman, Ray Stantz, Egon Spengler, and Winston Zeddemore.

Also, I am a full-on slimer ghost. And just because I am literally a genderless blob, does not mean I don't have feelings about the new Ghostbusters switching genders.

Call me a sexist if you want. It's not about that. It's about respecting my childhood and about shoving the maximum amount of available food into my gigantic mouth.

Could I see this movie and still pass dozens of wieners through my ethereal body, covering them and anything else I touch in viscous goo? I guess, maybe. But I'm not going to find out, because I already have two great Ghostbusters movies that aren't pandering to the PC crowd and I can watch them as much as I want while I ingest hellacious amounts of cakes, donuts, and fried chicken in a gobbling frenzy.

I am sick and tired of this world I continue to haunt where if you disagree with the groupthink of the day you are suddenly branded with an "-ism."

Don't want a black James Bond? Racism. Don't want an all-girl Ghostbusters? Sexism. Don't want a Confederate ghost busted from an old schoolhouse? Probably racism again. Excuuuuuuse me for being too busy slathering whole pizzas in my body slime to keep up with the manual of political correctness. I just know that all the things that used to be important to me are being taken away.

What happened to all of our bad ass action heroes like Gregory Peck?

When did it become wrong to be a two-foot lumpy sack of secretions gorging 24/7 on carbs?

Where did all the silver-lidded trays concealing piles of food go at hotels?

You never see those lidded trays anymore. Nobody orders two dozen donuts under one of those things. Room service carts now have like one grilled chicken breast and some sort of health drink. Slimers cannot deal with Kombucha. It's pre-slimed. That's like eating feces.

The only good thing to come from the 21st century has been the Internet. At least I can find like-minded slimers to discuss all the ways we are being persecuted. We can get together and come up with the best death threats to send on twitter to all the people who don't like us. Like Salvatore Alberghini of Alberghini and Sons Hot Dogs.

You heard me, Sal. You go ahead and put all your hot dogs in sealed vats. I can go through walls and I will slime them anyway. Guess what comes out of my disgusting, scrotum-like body and is a perfect growing medium for e. coli? Here's a hint: it's in my name.

I like to be able to shovel wieners into my mouth, no sealed vats, and I like my Ghostbusters with wieners. How difficult is that?

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)