GHAPPY NEWS YEAR!!!! 20033!!!!!!1 BY JEFF K!!!!

BY JEFF K!!!!

ME AS A BABEY! there si a dirty frenchman next to me, I haX0red my crib to run over teh French at an earley age

well Helo Intarnet citizens! Yuo may allready probaly know me, I am JEFF K and I haev been haX0ring teh computar machenes sence I FLEW OUT OF MY MOM'S AORTA!!!! even back then I was quiet teh scampar! I hacked my moms clervix and made her sterum shots me out at LIGHTNING SPEEDS and teh doctars were liek "OH MISSES K, YUOR SON HAS BEEN IMMATURELEY BORN 8 MONTHS EARLEY" and I caem out adn slapped teh hos and saids "SHUCKS YUOR RIGHT, I'M HEAR TO RAISES TEH ROOF" and I programed there heart machene to input FORTRAN and palay Teen Fortress 2. Hahahah!!! just kidding, evarybodey will haev childran and die befoer Teen Fortrass 2 si released and Gabe Newevell will haev 12 haeart attacks at Wendys befoer then. but I dont want too starts a rumor tree taht Gabe si a fat man becuase were all fat at heart, his heart si just a bit fattar than all ours.

BUT I suppose yuo are askeing yuorselfes, "helo webpage, why are yuo being updated with a by JEFF K toodays?" and I will answar yuo! I AM HEAR TOO HELPS YUO PLAN YOUR NEW YEARS PARTEY!!!! adn also I am will am si hear too writes about teh best adn worstest gaems of 1992 hear, a look back on soem of teh good games released thes year (QUAEK 3) and soem of teh bad games (UNREAL 2 K TOURNAMENT 10 K MILE CHALLANGE YEAR 2002 UNRAEL JUMPPAD FIEST 20033). BUT first let me tell yuo about how I sold a new years celabratian last year!

LAST YEAR: TEH YEAR 2001 (END OF 2002) - TEH YEAR OF THE DRAGORN: WHAT I DID

I went ovar too Jerrys house becuase Jerry had soem new game for his Palaystartian console machene which spins all discks at a alarming speeds! It was called "FINAL FATITSY X2389" and was about a soap opera in space. Jerry kept palaying it and I was askeing "WHY ARE YUO PALAYING THES RAT TURD?" and Jerry started crying becuase teh romance between teh Japanese cartoon men were too much heat for him to handal! it was a dreamy soap opara taht evarybody of teh fagort persuasian loved becuase hey WHO DOESANT LIEK PALAYING A 800 HOUR GAME ABOUT TWO DOUGH FACED JAPANES CARTOONS IN LOVE AND OH NO TEH WORALD SI EXPLODING WITH FURY, MOTHAR NATURE SI NOT PLEASE WITH OUR MICROWAVES, EVARYBODY EAT SOME DIRT AND LIVE IN A HOLE FOR MOTHAR NATURE!!! teh Japaneese are all afraid of mothar nature becuase they are cyborgs now with mp3s in there eyes and are afraid all teh poolutain from there mp3 eye factorys will make Japan explode in earthquaek furry! so taht si why they now draw cartoons about bug eye childran haveing sex with a dough monstar with 3400 arms and teeth out his ASS ahahhahahahahaha but realy, Japaense cartoons are for prisson inmates. Japanese men are bulding a city taht runs on helicoptars and I hoep it carashes into teh FINAL FATANSY FACTOREY because they should stop makeing games aftar Final Fatasy 1. I CAST LIT3!!! I WIN!!! now its all about a big eye man who dresses in his moms curtains adn is sad all teh tiem and he makes friends with fagots acros teh natian. FIGHT TEH EVIL!!!!!!!! WHILE I FALLS ASLEEP BECAUSE THIS GAEM SI BOREING AS A FROG'S ASS!!!!

FINISH FATNTASY 348X293, OH MOTHAR NATURE SI MAD, GIVE ME BIG EYES BECUASE I LIEK TO SEE BUTTS OF ALL OF TEH MEN IN TEH WORALD I GUESS

BUT Jerry would not stop palying thes Fatal Fantasy 39X3928 gaem so I sat around and palayed my Gameboy until I got mad becuase his mom walked in teh room and saids "Jerry I am going out to thes NEw Years Party at Steve Horman's house and dont call and dont call yuor dad becuase he isant invited" and she left for Steve Horman's house. BUT we didant come with her becuase Steve Horman cant be around a 500 foot circal of kids aftar teh time he was a janitor at my school and he brought a mop and gun to work for a day and he shots out all teh lights and poured a stinky solutian into teh water. WHAT A GUY!!! He lived in a cave. So Jerrys mom, teh slutty cow machene, went to town with Steve Horman adn Jerry and I were at his hoem alone becuase his dad was in a Peruvian Jungle fighting Battal Beasts with a seething rage or soething. Jerrys mom adn dad once had a fight and teh lights went out and when they came back on Jerrys dad had fallan out a window and his wallet was GONE

SO Jerry kept on palaying his Soap Opara in Space Finale Fantitsy gaem untill I gots mad and threw his room into his face. then we left and turned on teh TV Sets to watch teh giant cube drop from teh Statute of Libarty in Times Center in New York liek it dose evary month! BUT it was not on!!! It said it was not News Years yet and a vary old man who sang festive songs in 1923 saids "HEY KIDS, ONLY 3 MORE HOURS UNTIL TEH NEW YEARS, OH LOOK HEAR IS A DANCING FAGOT, LETS INTARVIEW HIM" and teh dancing fagot wore a plentiful hat witch saids "NEW YEARS UP A BUTT" in confetti string which was a silly thing so we turned off teh TV and went outsides. teh 20 year olds across teh street were sitting in lawn chaires adn drinking all of teh beers! JERRY THEN SAID HE'D CALL TEH POLAICE ON THEM FOR ILLEGAL DRINKSTITUTIAN adn teh teenagars threw a bottal at Jerrys head and Jerry fell down adn rolled down a hill into teh creek so I ran down adn saw a kite and took teh kite out of teh tree for GOOD KEEPIN! anyway we spend teh rest of teh New Years at teh hospital becuase Jerry was compalaing he had glass in his eyes and teh doctar said Jerry probaly should nevar leave teh house evar becuase hes tired of Jerry always showing up adn me stealing his woodan sticks to lights on fiere adn throw at Jerrys hair. TAHT WAS TAHT NEWS YEARS AND IT WAS A GOAT'S BUTT WHEN IT CAME TOO FUN, LET ME TELLS YOU!!!

THES YEAR: ITS ALL YEAR 2002 ANDTEH END OF TEH YEARS 2002 AND BEGINNG OF YEAR 2003, SEASON OF TEH WOLF

MY COMPUTAR ovarclocked of coarse, I haev more megaherses than yuo do, ahaha!

Thes year Jerry and I are GOING TOO A PARTEY!!!! YES!!!! We are going to a LAMP party where yuo brings yuor computar machense into a basement adn play Ralegun Quaek 3 and drink Moutain Dew and eat Cheatoes until yuo fall ovar and drool into a bucket of stunning fun! they call it a LAMP partrey becuase there are no lamps where yuo palay, its a dark basement with spidars and elfes and Jerry will probaly be scared but thats okeys becuase his mom wont let him bring his computar machene anyway!!! HAHAHHAAHHA!!! KNOW WHY? BECUASE SHE DOSANT TRUST JERRY WITH AN INCH OF A RIBBON TAHT'S WHY, FATCATS!!!! One tiem Jerrys mom baught him a cacluclatsior and he dipped it in Tang and fell down a slide becuase slides are for Fargots and FOR CRYING AT LOUD JERRY, YUO ARE NOT 10 YEARS OLD SO STOP PALAYING ON SLIDES WITH BARNEY AND HIS MALARKY!!!!! but I will bring my computar machene and well palay on taht. I am going too teh LAMP party at Clan -={mUrD3r}=-'s moms house because there clan leadar was vary impressed with my legandary skills when I was on a Quaek 3 game teh othar day, here was what he saids, hear si teh Quaek 3 chat log:

JEFF K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:HE;LP HOW DO I SWITCH GUNS
sNyP3r -={mUrD3r}=-: hey d00d ur kewl
JEFF K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:SHUTPU, WHERE IS ALL TEH GUNS ON THIS MAP WFT
sNyP3r -={mUrD3r}=-: ur the best quake 3 player I have ever seen
JEFF K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:WHAT COLARD TEAM AM I ON, WHERE SI TEH FALG????
sNyP3r -={mUrD3r}=-: want to come to my lan party man?
JEFF K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:WOAH NELLY

adn then I won all of teh games at a whoppering 12374 frags to 3 fargs ratio of killers, HUNT OR BE HUNTED GENTS!!!! so were going too a LAMP party in a mans basement for News Years thes year and I paln on winning all of teh games with a FRAG RATIO!!! Jerry wont be abal to palay but tahts okey becuase teh only game hes not afraid of si Worms: Amragarden becuase GOD KNOWS JERRY LOVES TEH WORMS AND HIS GARDEN!!!! GO PLANT A BUSH, DIRT DINOSORE!!! ahahhahahahahaha no seriosly Jerry, yuo're a worald class fargot.

so this Chirstmas I mean Nude Years Jerry adn I are palnning too go to teh LAMP party and win all of teh prisezes. AND NO WE DO NOT HAEV ANY DIRTY PICTARES TOO TRADES YUO BECUASE THERES A NET NANNY ON MY COMPUTAR MACHENE ADN I DONT WANT PICTARES OF A LADY SUCKING A WEENER ANYWAY SO DONT TRIES TOO ASKS ME FOR DIRTY PICTARES BECUASE I DONT HAEV ANY BUDDY!!!!!! IF YUO WANT A PORNOGRAPHY EXPERIENCE, TURN ON CINAMAX AT NIGHT ADN WATCH"NIGHT WITCH ORGY HAT SEDUCTRASS 3948"BECUASE I DONT HAEV IT!!!! oh and yuo might be asking "but Jeff K, where is are yuor parrents for teh hollidays?" well I'll tell yuo: I TURNED THEM INTO STATUES WITH MY MAGIC RING, AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAhahahahahAHHAHHAHAHAaaa ahahahhahahahahha ahahhh1111111///////;;;;

BEST GAMES OF 2202:

GRAMP THEFT AUTO 3 VICE CITY

1) Grand Thetf Auto: Vise City - In this gaem yuo can not only shots teh hookars (liek in Duke Nukam 2D), but yuo can also shots teh cops and run over a gang member in a sulky fashian! WHAT A GAME!!! it taeks place 20 years befoer GTA#, so taht means yuor in teh 1970's with nothing but yuor wits adn a clever ruse to keep yuo alive. can yuo becoems teh kIngpin boss of a fortune without dyeing yuorself in car wrecks gone bad? MAYBE if yuo haev nerbes of steele!!!! I am enjoyiung this gaem more than a duck in a ocean so be sure too picks up this winnar befoer Senator Al Gore declares yuo improper for a fitness event, ahahaha AHAHAHAHHAA!!!

2) Tony Hank 4: Skate or Diet - skate around a park or teh street or a crash course in silliesness with this actian packed toad festival. Yuo can palay as Tony Hork or a woman who listans to David Bowie!!!

3) quaek 3

WORST GAMES OF @)02:

WARTCARFT 3 SI WORST EVAR, even worse than Unrael Tourmaninet!!!

1) WARCARFT 3 - ELFES ARE FOR FAGORTS, I HAEV SAID TAHT BEFORE AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN NOW!!!! thes gaem is a bucket of hair, it stinks my palance of goodwill up like nobodey's business! Yuo have too builds teh Ork Huts with spears, makes a witch doctor and THEN YUO DIE, WOW WAHT FUN BLIZZARD, MAYBE NEXT TIEM I'LL JUST BUILDS A BOAT AND SAIL TOO KOREA ADN PAY THEM $50 TO SMASHES MY FACE INTO A ANVIL A FEW HUNDRED TIEMS GENTS!!!! what a load of carp, why did I maek Jeryr waste his mom's $55 on this/

2) Battalfield 1942 - MOER LIKE "CATTLE MEAL 1942" BECAUSE ONLY COWS SHOULD EATS THIS LOAD OFF POOP!!! AHAHAHAHA!!!! worald war 2 was when teh Nazis faught Indiana Jones and he isant even in this game! nice programming, gumshoes!!! yuo can palay as a soldar and fly planes or tanks but who cares becuase yuo die anyways and theres no BFG and its just so stuped for teh afforementianed reasans. mayebe if somebody makes a mod for thies game taht turns it into Quaek 3 I'll palay it but until then I'll just sit and eat records thank yuo vary much JerkSoft! PS: YUO HAVE TO PAY $50 A MONTH TO PALAY THIS MONSTRASITY!!! WHY? BECAUSE THEY USE COCANE DRUGS!!!!!

3) Nevarwintar Nights - roll 20 sided dice until yuor computar turns itself off, helo nerdworld

THATS IT BYE!!!!! HAVE A HARPY NEWS YEAR AND LOOK FOR MY UPCOMING BOOK: "JEFF K: A JORNEY INTO ACTIAN!!!"

by JEFF K

A COMEDEDY GLODMINE FOR YUOR FACE!!!!

helo I AM STILL JEFF K but I was tolds too writes about a contint peace for todays! IT'S CALLED "COMEDY GLODMINE: INTELLECTEUCALIZE RAP" adn its about makeing rap into a differant langauge thing or soemthing, I dont know, I dont undarstand it but they told me too put it up so hey HEAR GOES NOTHING

WHOSE THAT GUY I DONT KNOW, I THINK IT'S TEH GUY FROM "HANGING WITH MISTAR COOPAR" or soemthing, who knows, hear si teh link again so clicks on it but dont go compalaing too me when yuor head dose a flip!

– JEFFK (@sexyfacts4u)