The Top 5 Guaranteed Ways To Get a Girlfriend in 2018!

It's the end of the year, so you know what that means! Like cockroaches from the woodwork, website authors crawl out to regurgitate articles they already wrote (but now in LIST form!), and choke the internet with predictions for the next year. Welcome to the least effort, lowest hanging fruit picking time of the year! Although I've been running this damn site since 1999, I have somehow avoided ever becoming popular in any conceivable way, so I'll experiment with something a little different now: I shall attempt to write an article some people somewhere might actually click on, or better yet, even read! Prepare yourselves for a guide that will surely put this rancid site on the map, where I can finally enjoy all the benefits of being popular on the internet, such as never-ending death threats and attempts to hack both my account and site.

An example of a woman. Not every woman looks like this. Some are different.Women: they're tough to figure out, seemingly making arbitrary decisions based purely on raging hormones and conflicting emotions. You've probably seen the countless "pick up artist" guides strewn about the internet, but those are hardly ever effective and practical in this day and age. As an accomplished intercourser of women (once I intercoursed a woman six times in the same day, and one of those times she was even awake), I possess an undeniable expertise of tricking women into falling in love. With this in mind, I have prepared an extensive list of the most popular upcoming ways to obtain a girlfriend in the year of our lord, 2018. Prepare to enter Sex Town, population: you!

1) Get the Goods With Canned Goods. As everybody knows, women absolutely love to shop. They'll shop for anything; dresses, socks, makeup, cardboard tubes, replacement arteries, roofing tiles... you name it, women want to shop for it! One of the most popular destinations for women is the grocery store, because women, much like men, require food to survive. Hang out in the canned goods aisle, where they sell dumb shit like canned corn and soup and tomato sauce and canned bread, and simply wait for a women to turn the corner and enter your domain.

Now approach your female target by sprinting or putting your electric scooter into high gear, and begin screaming "HEY LADY, DO YOU NEED ANY HELP? I AM A MAN AND I'M HERE TO HELP YOU, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A MAN!" Since women are generally incompetent in virtually every aspect of life and require a male to accomplish a majority of work for them, she will graciously accept your offer. Pick up the biggest can of whatever in the aisle, like a 40-pound tub of mashed rhubarb, and throw it into her cart. Although she'll be impressed by both your incredible strength and willingness to help the weaker sex, you can additionally hedge your bets by saying something like, "I bet that looked hard to do, huh? Well it wasn't for me. I do the workouts every day. I can bench press nearly every weight, also I used to do crossfit until I was banned for being too good at it." If the woman fails to instantly fall in love with you, continue to throw various cans into her cart until she asks you to stop. That's called playing "hard to get," and its woman code for "I want to touch your body parts in my bed tonight." Make sure she pays for everything before you leave.

2) Rebel With a Cause. Have you ever seen a truck? They're like cars only taller and slower and driven by bad people. For this tactic, you will need to obtain a truck for yourself, either through financial transactions or theft. Go to a mechanic and say "make my truck really tall, as tall as you can." Insist that it require an abnormally long ladder to reach the doors. Add at least four gigantic exhaust pipes which sound like a yeti being crushed in an industrial press each time you accelerate. Adorn the bed of the truck with Confederate flag stickers, Confederate flag flags, bumper stickers that warn people to avoid treading on you, and several gun racks on the cab's rear interior. Choose a tough sounding, badass name for your giant truck, like "ROAD RAPER" or "THE KILLER MURDERER."

I think she is Captain AmericaDrive to the nearest gym, making sure that your presence can be heard from at least several miles away. Peel into the parking lot and take up multiple spaces. This is asserting your dominance over every other vehicle, and also the asphalt. When a woman exits the gym, she will be exhausted by her aerobic workout or synchronized swimming or whatever the hell women do in there. That's when they're the most susceptible to your charm and wit. Honk your horn at them and scream "you look sweaty and gross and stupid, but despite all that, I'll do you a favor and take you out to dinner as long as you pay half plus the tip." She will see how tough you are and how your vehicle is the alpha male of transportation, and she will instantly agree to date or marry you, assuming she doesn't instantly orgasm herself to death.

3) Mr. Moneybags. Although some scientists may disagree, a majority of women require both food and water to live. One of the quickest and easiest ways to obtain beverages is by purchasing them at a vending machine. Withdraw your life's savings from your bank account, and when the teller asks how you'd like the money, insist on quarters. Now this might seem impractical, but you've got a trick up your sleeve: pants! Place as many quarters as possible in your pants pockets, and if you run out of room, go to a store and buy another pair of pants for its pockets. Repeat as many times as necessary.

Once you've collected every quarter, waddle to the nearest Wal-Mart and casually loiter by the vending machines. Adopt various "cool" poses, such as "James Dean Leaning Against a Cola Vending Machine, Except it Looks Like There Are Giant Ticks Attached to His Thighs" or "Profusely Sweating Man Who Pant Seams Are Tearing Under Extreme Weight and Pressure." Eventually a woman will approach the vending machine to buy water or whatever women drink, at which point you lurch into action and physically block her from the machine. Between breaths, casually say "allow me," and begin pulling quarters from your pockets to slide into the vending machine.

The secret here is to not stop inserting money once the drink's price has been matched; no, continue to relentlessly insert more and more quarters into the machine while nonchalantly quipping phrases such as "oops, looks like I put in too much money, guess I'm not used to buying cheap things," or "oh gosh, did I overpay? It's hard for me to tell, since money is of no concern to me due to the fact that I'm rich because I own several successful businesses that allow me to literally throw money away without any consequence." Your financial acumen, combined with the large bulge in your pants, will mesmerize the woman's vulva (that's where their erotic pleasure comes from), and she will probably try to have sex with you right there. If not, you can always hurl the quarters at her until she gives up.

4) Hit and Fun. It is a well-known fact that women are incapable of driving properly. Recent studies have shown that out of every 10 vehicular accidents, women were responsible for over 13 of them. As a man, you can effortlessly use this to your advantage. Enter your car and drive towards a busy intersection. Wait for a red light, and then scan the surrounding cars for a hot looking woman. Once you've identified your target and the light turns green, slam on the accelerator and violently collide with her. The faster you are traveling, the better odds you have in this situation.

lol she is growing from a tree, that is not how women are madeIf you managed to hit her hard enough (at least traveling over 40 miles an hour), you may get lucky and she will suffer what medical doctors refer to as "a concussion," which is a state one enters upon being concussed. Even if she lacks a concussion, you will still have the upper hand. Quickly leap out of your vehicle and run towards her, screaming "are you alright? Are you okay?" This is to let people around you know that you're sensitive to the wants and needs of a woman.

Pry open her driver's side door and forcibly remove her from her vehicle. If she has a visible head injury, be sure to jostle her neck around as much as possible in the process. As you drag her limp, possibly resistant body away, proclaim to the surrounding onlookers, "I better take you to a hospital really fast, I am a doctor and you are suffering from Soon To Be Dead Syndrome, which I, as a doctor, happen to specialize in. I went to Harvard Medical School several times and was voted the Number One Doctor every year."

Load the bloody woman into your car and peel out, traveling as quickly as possible to your house. If the female expresses any sense of discomfort or the ability to communicate, reassure her by saying "I need you to stop talking, or else you could damage your brain and become retarded forever." When you've reached your home, declare "here we are, the hospital that looks like a house." If she attempts to cast doubt on your home being an actual hospital, tell her to shut up, but say it in a really intelligent doctor-like way. Chain her to the radiator in your basement and claim it's part of the necessary physical therapy. After seven years or so, she will eventually realize you not only saved her life, but you also took care of her when nobody else would, and she'll probably request you marry her. Agree to hold a lavish wedding ceremony, but insist it must be in the basement, and nobody should be invited because they might get insanely jealous and ruin the event by unchaining her. If you do it with her (the sex) and she has a baby (from the sex), chain it up to the radiator next to her so they can bond, and also so you don't have to hear it cry when you're livestreaming PUBG.

5) Movie Theater Makeover. Browse the showings at your local movie theater and search for the one which looks the most stupid. That film is usually the popular to women, since females have horrible taste in everything and love to cry for no reason and aren't as smart as men because they do not appreciate superior forms of entertainment such as video games and the Fast & Furious series of motion pictures. It will probably be a movie about love or somebody in a castle or something where somebody has cancer. Arrive early, purchase a ticket, and sit in the back row so you can scan every person who enters. Once you spot a hot babe with a boyfriend, stare motionlessly at them and wait.

Get some furniture, what the hell is wrong with you?Eventually the boyfriend will have to leave and use the restroom, because men cry piss out of their dicks when exposed to romantic movies. Follow him in and quietly lock the door behind you. Once he begins peeing, club him in the back of the skull with a steel rod or a canoe paddle or something. Continue to repeat this process until he begins to stop living. Then take off his clothes and put them on, being sure to hide his corpse in a location nobody will enter, such as whatever room is showing "Downsizing." Walk back to the dumb romantic movie where the queen is crying because of love or whatever, and sit next to the girl. Confidently proclaim, "I am your boyfriend and / or husband and I have returned from the restroom, where nothing of interest took place."

If you've successfully put on her lover's clothes in the correct places on your body, she will more than likely be duped and not suspect a thing. However, if she does seem suspicious and begins asking questions like "who are you" or "why don't you look like my boyfriend" or "why are you covered in blood and at least a foot shorter than my boyfriend," explain to her that you slipped while peeing and hit your head on the urinal and you now have amnesia, which prevents you from answering any of her questions. Be sure to remark how much you love her and the movie and also having sex. Welcome to your new life with the babe of your dreams!

I hope these five tips have helped you enter the exciting world of obtaining a woman for yourself, but I primarily hope these steps have helped me get rich and popular so I can continue to sit on my fat ass and essentially do nothing all day. Have a bitchin' 2018!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)