Sorry, Ladies, They're Bio Truths

Ladies like to blab a lot about unfairness and how they aren't treated equally, like equality is some perfect state that would be better. I don't think so. Because men and women are biologically different. Which means women have to face up to the truth of these differences. Celebrate them even. But don't demand equality when you aren't biologically equipped.

Bio Truth

Women have fancy eyes that prefer seeing things fancy. They like designs to be fancy whereas men like straight lines and blocks. Give a woman a perfectly good rectilinear satchums and before you know it they will have excreted all their waste gems onto its surface. Yeah, here's an idea ladies: maybe you could earn over 77 cents on the dollar if you spent less time with your gems and more time grinding levels at work.

Bio Truth

Women are weak. I'm not going to soften the blow on that one. You can pick some strong woman who lifts bars and the most flaccid flabby low-T lightweight is going to hulk it out and wreck some bars. Dudes will crunch more bars. We'll lever out a bigger boulder and dig a deeper trench. Put a hoop up 20 feet on a super high basket and we will jump drump the ball right through the plopper. Ladies? Set it down to 12 feet and give them a boost.

Bio Truth

When we attach to your ducts, it's not our fault if you have to nourish us with your blood. It's not like we can eat with our mating hook buried in your flank and our head wedged in your duct. You have to feed us with your blood. Don't like it? Slough us off on something. It's not our job, as guys, to worry about where you are going to get enough cheeseburgers to pass through your lymphs into us.

Bio Truth

Guess what? Spiders are scary to us too. Nuff said.

Bio Truth

Guys make for better fighter pilots. You can look at the statistics for this one. Number of Red Barons that were women: 0. Number of men Red Barons: 2 including the pizza guy and he counts. Sure, there are lady pizza people, but how many Sopwith Camels do you think Mama Rosa shot down? The website doesn't mention a single aerial victory.

Bio Truth

Men are better at digesting silage, allowing us to grow fatter more quickly and more efficiently subsist on waste fodder. With every cup of pressed sorghum, women require at least three macaroons. Men will get by on a teacup full of black jellybeans a day.

Bio Truth

Bat-MAN, Super-MAN, Spider-MAN... noticing a trend? Wake me up when there is a female super hero worthy of a movie.

Bio Truth

Did you know there are almost 40 female Fortune 500 CEOs? Yeah, really cool, ladies. Did you know they're all assholes? Congratulations, 40 women have been admitted into the biggest monsters of modern history club. We would golf clap you, but you're not allowed on the golf course because of golf weakness.

Bio Truth

Ding dongs? We got 'em, you don't. You're haulin' baps. The gooch down the pooch? Sure. But we've got the dangle and the double rolls. We all know you want 'em too. Sorry, ladies. No luck.

Bio Truth

More emotional. Men are stoic rocks upon which the waves of feeling break. You are a weather-vane in a cyclone of hormones, processing and externalizing everything you experience. That is why women are responsible for so much violence, from Elizabeth Bathory, proven vampire, to more modern maniac women like Golda Meir who use wars as outlets for their rage.

Bio Truth

More susceptible to ghosts and demons. I looked at the stats on this and it turns out that most ghost and demon possession happened when a woman caught her husband cheating or otherwise became upset (because she was more emotional) thereby forcing her husband to have her put into a hospital and maybe shocked with electricity. This continued until the 1990s when pretty much all of the decline started in America and women stopped taking tranquilizers all the time and now walk around possessed by demons and a priest isn't even allowed to submerge her in a bathtub of holy water without her permission.

Face it, ladies, the parts aren't the same, the biology is not the same, and equality is illusion. Bio Truth.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)