Forgive Me, You Bastards

As I'm sure you all are undoubtedly aware, this past Wednesday night was the beginning of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish Week of Atonement. It's actually ten days, but the Jewish Ten Days of Atonement doesn't sound as cool. In this time, in celebration of the new year and of our blatant disregard of the calendar, we ask forgiveness from all those that we have wronged in the past year. Finally, on Yom Kippur, we ask God himself for forgiveness for our greatest transgressions. For instance, starting a new fringe suicide cult based on the twin principles of worship of Baal and getting people to give me money? And then when we made all that cyanide-laced punch and I poured mine into the ficus plant? Yeah, that's something I'll probably save for apologizing to God. But there area number of earthly sins for which I must atone, and it seems like this is the most efficient way of getting my message of repentance out to those who I have hurt in all of my various wheelings and dealings.

To prove how repentant I am, I will now suck the poisonous fumes out of the traditional Rosh Hashanah balloon.

I apologize for using racial slurs to refer to African Americans, Asian Americans, and kikes.

I'm sorry for sending President Bush that letter covered in LSD. Well, actually, that apology should really be directed to the people of Iraq.

I'm sorry for starting that rumor that Ashton Kutcher is gay just now.

I'm sorry for reusing the same obvious gags over and over again.

I'm sorry for all the times I intentionally ducked underneath the sneeze guard at a salad bar and sneezed on everything until I couldn't sneeze anymore. I have a problem.

I apologize again to the Maori tribesmen. Now would you freaking midgets stop threatening to eat me already?

I want to apologize on behalf of Jews everywhere for killing Jesus. It's time to stop passing the buck. That was our bad. We killed the hell out of him. It was fun. Hell, we even made T-shirts.

I'm very sorry. No wait, I mean "terrified."

I'm sorry for watching so damn much Celebrity Poker Showdown. I'm pretty sure I'm the main reason they keep that crap on the air.

I'm sorry for hiring the mob to kill you. Ooh, that reminds me, don't start your car.

I'm sorry for running that pyramid scheme. I just really, really wanted a pyramid.

I'm sorry for kicking that cute puppy. I probably made my point when I shot him.

I'm very sorry for the hamster incident. Enough said.

I'm sorry for reusing the same obvious gags over and over again.

I'm sorry for four out of five of the articles I've ever written for this site.

I want to apologize to Dave Barry, Seth McFarlane, pretty much everyone who has ever written for The Simpsons, the staff of The Onion, and various other writers for this site for stealing your material. I'm not going to stop, I just feel kind of bad about it.

I am sorry for Blind Justice on ABC. I usually control the media a little tighter than that.

I am told by my lawyer that I am very sorry for committing public nudity.

I'm sorry for reusing the same obvious gags over and over again.

I am sorry for all of the things I said about your mother. It's none of my business how much she charges for sex. I should just pay up and be grateful that there's someone out there who can satisfy my fat fetish.

I am deeply sorry for everyone who needed a heart transplant this year and didn't get one because of a sudden shortage. I admit that when I broke into that organ bank and ate all of the hearts, I wasn't thinking about any of the longterm consequences, other than that the power I would gain would finally allow me to defeat that pesky Justice League and conquer the Earth.

I want to apologize to "Dave Eddy," director of "Pocket Ninjas," for threatening to beat him into a coma with his own screenwriter and for calling him an "unscrupulous shit."

I want to apologize to everyone who read that last sentence. It was nothing but lies. I have no intention of ever apologizing to Dave Eddy. "Pocket Ninjas" sucked llama dong and I hate him with all of my hearts.

I'm sorry for trying to pass off this pathetic list as an actual article.

Whew! It sure feels good to get that off my chest. I feel as though a great burden has been lifted. Now all I can ask is that you can find some way to forgive me for all the ways in which I have wronged you. If there's anything I've forgotten, please do not hesitate to contact me at Greasnin@somethingawful.com. Thank you, and may all of your kippurs be as yom as possible.

The Weekend Web: Makes You Sterile or Your Money Back!

Hello internet friends, Zachary "Lame Duck Jones" Gutierrez here with a much belated Weekend Web for you all. Thanks to epox, the world leader in making shitty motherboards, I was out of commission for three weeks and had to miss my Weekend Web deadlines and the World Series of Cockfighting webcast. Now that I have a motherboard with thermal paste smeared all over it I can continue doing what I do best, making girls cry. This week we have a forum full of glorified strippers, a forum full of nuts hot for Turbo, a forum full of grade school kids waiting for what could be the most overhyped game of the year, and a forum full of grade school kids waiting for what could be the most overhyped game of the year's big rival for most overhyped game of the year award. Don't believe me? See for yourself!

Yes, you can have all this for only ten easy installments of $0.00! What a bargain! Act now! Or else!

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt