Five Household Tools Everyone Should Own

The ladder that cannot be ascended. Simply jump up to the top rung, then enjoy the smoothest downward climb of your life.

Ideal for home projects that require you to be on the ground.

You know what they say about ascending - it makes an asc end out of you... ing!

If you want to know EXACTLY where the free-standing piles of feces are located in your home, this bad boy will get the job done.

Please note that you can not detect dook by simply waving this sophisticated device around like a caveman. You must visually spot a suspected loaf, then press the Shit Detector into said loaf until you hear the trademark "squish". If you hear a beep at this point, you're in luck!

Nothing cuts a ragged, shallow line through loose dirt better than a Dirt Chainsaw. Nothing. It's hard to think of a single househould project that doesn't call for a patch of haphazardly churned-up dirt. If you're going to do it, you might as well use the right tool for the job.

Note: Will definitely fall apart if used on grass, soil, sand, or non-artificial dirt.

Everyone needs a hammer. The problem is, they're just too darn... big. What a chore!

That's where the Microscopic Hammer comes in. It has all the features of a traditional hammer, at 1/1000th the size. Now that's what I call a different size! It is a different size! I'm nodding to confirm the difference in size!

Sure, it also takes 10000x as many swings to nail a nail, but if you miss and hit your thumb it will hurt 1/1000th as much.

Microscopic Hammer is also convenient to store. After all, it fits into a standard sized toolbox like no problem.

Never worry about carpet growth again! This gas-powered monster features diamond-tipped blades, a top speed of thirty miles per hour, up to 80 gallons of carpet clipping storage, and deadly exhaust!

Best of all, the Riding Carpet Mower is fully compatible with Down-Only Ladder. Simply lift your Riding Carpet Mower to the top run then descend. Now you know you're mowing your house's ground level!

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)