Emergency House Repair Strategies for First Time Home Owners

Issue: After unpacking your last box, you use the restroom for the first time. Upon flushing, you realize that the drain does not go to the sewer, but, for reasons unknown, directly into your washing machine.

Strategy: Call your old landlord and then realize that this is now your responsible and you do not have the knowledge, ability, experience, tools or time to fix this issue. Panic. Realize that you also don't have the cash on hand for a plumber. Panic again. Pee in empty Gatorade bottles for months while you angrily do laundry at your parents, asking yourself what the hell home inspectors even do. Issue Status: Resolved.

Issue: After the first night of heavy rain, you are woken up by the sound of dripping. When you turn on a light, you see a large chunk of drywall hanging from the ceiling and a stream of water pouring out into your bedroom.

Strategy: Gather a bucket and every towel in your house, but before you start cleaning, consider the cost of fixing your roof, ceiling, and water-damaged floor. Add that price to how much you pay for mortgage, property taxes, and whatever the hell PMI is. Curl up in a ball and cry until the sun rises. Ignore the leak for a few days and then move your mattress to the hall and pretend that your bedroom no longer exists. Issue Status: Resolved.

Issue: After a week of eating in your dining room, the table now seems visibly crooked. Upon lifting the carpet, you see that what should be a floor is in fact little more than a mound of soggy cardboard.

Strategy: Gather two screwdrivers and consider jamming them in your eyes so you won't have to look at the crooked table. Instead, pathetically try to level the cardboard before blaming yourself for buying such a dump. Then blame the sellers. Then blame the bank for the loan, the realtors for being scammers, and the notary for signing off. Do some research on the real-estate system and then blame everyone from the most pathetic intern to whoever the hell Fannie Mac is. Then go back to your microwave dinner at the wobbling table. Issue Status: Resolved.

Issue: After flipping an often-ignored light switch in the kitchen, every bulb on the floor bursts in flames. Upon googling the issues, you conclude that your house does not have outdated knob-and-tube wiring, but a highly lethal and illegal asbestos-and-mold wiring.

Strategy: Google how to tie a noose, but realize that there's not a single part of your house that can support more than a hundred pounds. Cheer yourself up by reminding yourself that your mortgage will be paid off in another 29 years. Pee in a Gatorade bottle. Go to sleep. One less day left. Issue Status: Resolved.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)