Failed Internet Technologies

How Novel!

Now that I'm unemployed - thanks to the misdoings of a certain Internet media company that may or may not host this site - I've been pretty damn bored. And yes, I've followed all the advice in the SA Guide to Job Success, but the results are not fruit-bearing thus far. So what has old Uncle Fraggy been doing to pass the time? Sleeping, watching television, and playing Serious Sam, an awesome game any old school FPS or shoot 'em up fan should run out and buy right now. Anyways, while watching some terrible romantic "comedy" today I realized that television, along with the Internet, has lost its novelty value.Early television screens were small and very blurry. So blurry, in fact, that the man in this picture doesn't realize that his wife is star of the gang-bang video he's currently enjoying.

Back in the 50's, people were absolutely astounded and blown away by the magic of moving pictures transmitted into their homes via invisible rays. Everyone would squeal with glee at inane early programming like The Honeymooners. "Har har har!", these simple fifty's folk would laugh. "Look at that fat man yelling at his wife! It is funny! I bet he will beat his wife and kids just like our dad does!" One good thing about the pre-1960's is that starting a war, lynching something, or beating the hell out of someone was an acceptable and reasonable way to solve a disagreement. These days there's wussy crap like arbitration and mediation. And if you get in an argument with somebody and scream at him or her too loudly or insult them too harshly, they can sue your ass off for emotional damage. Bah.

But the novelty of television wore off after even homeless people watched them while pushing around their shopping carts. The entire family no longer gathered around the old boob tube to marvel at the wonders of moving images, as the sense of magical wonder had faded into the ceramic tile of time. The television was regulated to the status of "appliance," making it just slightly more entertaining than a toaster.

Thankfully, forty or so years later, the Internet busted out and gave people a whole new time-sucking experience. Oh, the astonishing wonders that could be found on this amazing new invention! Instant messages! Keywords! Porn! Electronic mail! Games! Humor! Jennifer Love Hewitt Fan Fiction! News! Anti-Caucasian Focus Groups! eCommerce! Yes, the Internet seemed to have it all. But soon, like the television, the novelty of the whole thing wore off and people stopped "surfing the web" and "taking a Sunday drive on the information superhighway." Now most people merely glumly check their e-mail once a week, deleting pleas of help from their estranged grandparents and firing off pictures of their horrific, unwanted babies to online adoption sites. A sad state of affairs indeed!

Sure, there are plenty of other, more realistic reasons why the Internet is in the crapper right now. But I'm far from a realist. As "they" say, realism is for chumps. That being said, I plan to use the combined power of my Washer and Dryer (AKA "Captain Tumblefuck") to summon a Wizard from the 14th century. After some witty time travel shenanigans - he'll try to eat my furniture and smash my Dreamcast to bits, mistaking it for a baby dragon - we'll open up his dusty old Wizard's book and cast a magical spell to fix the Internet and make it exciting and wondrous once again. What will this spell accomplish, exactly? Why, it will force the brainwashed masses to become completely enchanted by the following list of failed Internet technologies ideas services. And be willing to pay outrageous sums of money for whatever it is, to boot!

Streaming Video Audio - Why watch television when you can wait fifteen minutes to watch a pentip-sized, fifteen second clip of a cat being force-fed wedding cake? Why listen to CD's, the radio, or download MP3's when you can listen to a choppy stream of non-stop Trance music carefully selected by socially rejected community college students? That's a question venture capitalists throwing tens of millions of dollars at scrapheaps like DEN.net and Psuedo failed to ask. But thanks to the Wizard's spell, people will suddenly want to start watching RealVideo "web sitcoms" starring the guy who once played the best friend of the nerdy kid from Step By Step. Anything with the word "Multimedia" is five times better than anything else, BTW.

The latest version of VRML allows you to watch naked men - lit only with lens flares - struggle to produce a 3D replica of the original Electronic Arts (EA) logo (pictured below). In related news, Cliffy B. left Epic for EA.

Virtual Reality - Virtual Reality and VRML will explode in popularity, as people suddenly decide that monitors are no longer good enough and uncomfortable, fifty-pound helmets that cause motion sickness and migraine headaches are far superior. Amazon.com will recode its entire site in VRML, transforming into a virtual "mega-mart" in which customers must virtually walk at two miles an hour through over ninety-seven acres of warehouse space, spending weeks rummaging through boxes and scanning huge racks of merchandise for that elusive Styx CD. Then customers must walk sixteen miles to the checkout, use their scanner to scan in their credit card, convert it to a suitable 3DSMax model format, load it into their eWallet, and wait in line for a couple hours while the conveyor belt textures load.

Portals - Instead of going directly to useful information, people will suddenly realize that they really need a site with an outdated, unorganized listing of other sites, links to other people's content, and a search box that uses someone else's search engine. And using just one portal site isn't enough, obviously there's an intense need for visiting seven hundred different portal sites a day, since their usefulness is unparalleled!

Video Phones - People need videophones because AT&T says so. Also, you can moon telemarketers and get visual proof of your business partner's contracted murder. This has nothing to do with the Wizard guy; I just like videophones. Video conferencing allows you to rip off Asian people in one-sided business deals!

eCash and Micro Commerce - Ordinary cash and credit cards are too mundane for the Internet. What people really want is the ability to pay .0000003 cents to view a page and pay for it via virtual eCash which is easily stolen, manipulated, and conveniently "lost" by unscrupulous eBankers.

Interactive Entertainment - People will suddenly fall in love with the idea of clicking dancing hampsters and doing whatever the hell else Interactive Entertainment Multimedia was supposed to do. CD-I will replace CD-ROM as the dominant media format.

But we all know that no wizened old wizard can save the Internet. Nobody can save the Internet, it's pretty much doomed. In the coming months even more Internet companies will go under, and I'm not talking about stupid ones like emaildancepartners.com. Most of those are gone by now because their CEO molested young boys. By the end of the year the Internet will be a burned out storefront of broken dreams, paved with the blood of latte-drinking blowhards in turtlenecks. The only sites that will survive will be the ones that contain the insane ramblings of people who think they are leprechauns, God, or the sexiest bondage clown in the history of the world.

The above mess was of course just another one of my patented, unfocused babblings and not meant to constitute a serious thought or brilliant scheme. Still, the Internet sure seems pretty shitty right now… maybe we should all stay off it for a day and reboot it. That should fix everything! Turning something off and turning it back on always works!

Flashers

Since Lowtax isn't around, I think I can get away with showing off some of my early Flash masterpieces, which he despises and hates with a passion. I can't say I blame him, since this stuff is even worse that that stupid Fake Las Vegas Article he did. But what did you expect from a site called Something Awful? Subtle, well-rounded, quality? Shove that idea up your nose, Missy!

NOOOOOO! - My first flash movie. This was played over an over again by my fellow former co-workers, causing thousands to suffer remarkable damage. I think it has a solid message, though.

My Goodness - A former artist co-worker complained that he had just witnessed the worst, most annoying flash ad banner in existence. I decided to prove him wrong with this monstrosity. Background music provided by our good friends Semi Automatic Turban.

Quake 3 - Finally, the movie that caused Lowtax countless nightmares. One of my greater Internet shames, I think, right up there with my ear-splitting rendition of the Pokemon Theme Song.

Thank Allah for Macromedia!