Expert Talk

U.S. Plant is fascinating to myself and others. It is the scientific designation for the only species of plant on World Earth. Sometimes it grows fruits. Sometimes it looks different and just grows thorns. Sometimes a vicious dog is in a plant costume and I am bitten.

I'm here to tell you more about U.S. Plant through answers to your questions and sometimes through anecdotes. You can trust me on this matter, as I am U.S. Plant Expert.

"U.S. Plant Expert" sounds pretty important, doesn't it? People often ask if such a title means I am a government official or have any credentials whatsoever. It comes up all the time. Everyone seems quite curious about that.

So let's get to my first anecdote. A bug is not a U.S. Plant. A bug is, in fact, a U.S. Bug. Don't take my word for it, take these words from my peer, U.S. Bug Expert:

"Bugs are U.S. Bugs. Even dead ones. There are lots of things that aren't bugs. Fake bugs. Insects. Know your facts and you'll stay safe out there."

If you are reasonably sure that you have spotted a U.S. Plant, consult this image to verify your wildly unfounded accusations:

Note that these are just four variations of U.S. Plant. There are literally more. They all, however, look pretty much the same.

Here's an answer to a question. Someone asked if U.S. Plants are edible. In my experience, it is very difficult to find a plant that can be eaten. Don't even try to consume a plant if it is:

• In someone else's hand/mouth
  
• A still image on a billboard
• Abnormally talkative
• Sealed in a vault guarded by automated sentries
• Being cut in half on the edge of a chainsaw
• Spinach

Here's another anecdote. My colleague is U.S. Medicine Pro. Don't take my word for it, take these words from him:

"Medicine is an alternative to science. It features pills that come in a variety of colors, shapes and sizes, and - most importantly - flavors. The pill you get depends on the kind of cancer you have. People with very little cancer don't even get to take any pills. Sometimes we use scissors to open people up and make sure the pills are inside them."

This would be a great time to explain how U.S. Plants work. Actually, the second paragraph would have been better, but I'm not Area Typing Guru. I do know him, though. If you need proof I can get you a quote.

Essentially, U.S. Plants are like living things. They need water and sunlight. They have souls. Some even live in houses. What sets them apart is the minuscule amount of blood in their veins, which can possibly attributed to the lack of arms and legs and internal organs.

In every drawing that I've studied, the inside of a U.S. Plant resembles a cross-section. You can see all the inside bits and also the profile, so you always have a frame of reference. Everything is very neatly labeled. It's quite an extraordinary life form.

Today's final question doesn't appear to be about U.S. Plants at all, but since I've pretty much exhausted my extensive knowledge about the subject, it can't hurt. Someone wants to know if there are any colleagues that I've failed to mention.

You bet! Preeminent experts tend to inhabit the same social circles, so I'm fortunate enough to know many knowledgeable people. Don't take my word for it, take these words from them:

Zone History Expert

"History is the account of everything that happened in the Zone in the last week. It is forever changing, as we scratch out one day's events to make room for the momentous occasions that will ring through the infinite halls of this week."

Continent Technology Pro

"In this modern life, we are surrounded by technology. My job is to find out where these autonomous circuit boards came from, why they were programmed to attach themselves to human skin, and how we can free ourselves."

U.S. Ending Guru

"My sole task is to appear on the very last line of a scientific report/study/article and provide a neat ending. It's demanding work, but I enjoy it."

Area Oversight Expert

"Oversight is the process of watching over U.S. Ending Guru and making sure his job is done properly."

– U.S. Plant Expert (@DennisFarrell)