The Great Energy Drink Review Roundup 2008!

This article is part of the Awful Energy Drink and Food Reviews series.

DR DOGG LITE ENERGY DRINK (16 oz)

Description: No, the two "g"s in the name "Dr. Dogg" are not a typo. Somebody seriously believed this would be a good idea. The people in the marketing department obviously realized the potential issue with calling their product "Dr. Dog," since the public views canine surgeons rather unfavorably. "Dr. Dog," no, that simply won't fly. Now "Dr. Dogg," a bipedal mutt wearing sunglasses, a backwards baseball cap, sports jesery, and gold "D" around his neck, well that's a completely different issue! I'm pretty sure the heroes who produced this garbage (Quik-Trip) are also responsible for RAM JAM, because I remember buying all three equally retarded-looking cans at the same time for some fantastic sale price. Whatever the discount was, it was not enough. Dr. Dogg Lite is a blatant ripoff of Diet Dr. Pepper, and I would rely on neither for competent medical advice.

Energy Composition: No listing of how much magic energy chemicals this crap contains, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess it's not an especially healthy amount.

Retarded Quote From Can: "UNLEASH YOUR PERFORMANCE WITH (two red dog bones symbol) ZERO CALORIES AND ZERO CARBS." It's obviously very important to avoid calories and carbohydrates when unleashing your performance. I learned this valuable health tip from Dr. Dogg, who received his doctorate degree in advanced ghettonomics. Also, it goes without saying the URL stamped across the can (www.drdogglite.com) is richly 404.

Rating: 2 / 10

ACE ENERGY + JUICE (16 oz)

Description: You know it's a bad sign when you open a drink and your sinuses fill with moldy orange spores, like when Serpentor released the virus turning everybody into snake mutant robot monsters from the future. The can delighted me with a drawing of a nurse taking off her uniform, along with some fake bullet holes, leading me to believe somebody really didn't want this woman to strip for me. Maybe it was my wife, and this drink receives its energy from the hatred of jealous lovers. Like most other "energy + juice" drinks, you have to wonder how scientists were able to locate fruit somehow tasting even more vile than their beakers full of carbonated bull semen. ACE sports the "generic shitty energy drink" taste of fruity battery acid + Mountain Dew, yet again somehow makes it even more unpalatable.

Energy Composition: 2,000mg Taurine, 5000mg "Energy Blend" (same as above). As far as I can tell, the "juice" in this drink is actually sodium in disguise. SURPRISE!!!

Rating: 2 / 10

Zola Açaí Power Juice (11 oz)

Description: I had a bad feeling about this one. Perhaps it was the Brazilian woman dressed in peacock feathers, frantically dancing as a rain of berries descended upon her head. Maybe it was the foreboding "USDA ORGANIC" label combined with the fact I have no idea what the hell "açaí berries" are. I once bought an Akai sampler, but to the best of my knowledge, it was not made of berries. The third and final warning came in the form of its expiration date: December 30th... exactly one day ago! There's only one subject in the world I'm less familiar with than açaí berries, and that's expired açaí berries. Fortunately, Dancing Brazilian Feather Woman whisked away all my fears with her gentle, sweeping hand of purple berry juice. While I'm incapable of fully conveying the açaí berry taste experience, I can summarize it this way: they taste like purple.

Energy Composition: Energy-drink-wise, there's not too many awesome science lab chemicals in here, with "Natural Caffeine" being the closest. It fails to mention how much natural caffeine açaí juice contains, so I'm assuming it's not a major factor here.

Retarded Quote From Can: My fear of sufficient fake energy was once again soothed by the magic purple broad. "Now there's no need to choose between health and energy! Zola gives you both in Amazon-sized quantities. Our secret? 100% Unfiltered Pulp from the exotic Açaí berry." It then rambles on about antioxidants and omega fatty acids and Captain Planet for 100 paragraphs, none of which I bothered reading because I didn't see the words "taurine" or "extreme" anywhere. Unfortunately, the judges (me) have disqualified Zola from the competition, as it's more juice than energy drink. Dance your way back into the jungle, Zola!

Rating: 7 / 10 (but Zola is disqualified for being a dirty rotten energy drink cheater, so ignore that score)

Why am I still sitting here, writing? I'm going to use my newfound reservoir of energy by dominating the professional dart circuit in Texas, Australia! But don't let that discourage you from sending me free stuff.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)