The Great Energy Drink Review Roundup 2008!

This article is part of the Awful Energy Drink and Food Reviews series.

NOS (16 oz)

Description: First off, I have to admit I have no idea if this drink was named "NOS" or "SON." It's equally retarded either way, and I'm physically incapable of scraping together enough concern to decide on a definitive answer. Secondly, I'd like to point out it is never, ever, ever, ever a good sign when, upon popping opening an energy drink can, the oxygen surrounding your head is replaced by a burst of rancid energy spores resembling rotten oranges decomposing below the bleachers of a circus tent. With those two points out of the way, let's see how this incredible drink compares!

If you have ever found yourself craving both nail polish AND black licorice, this drink was designed just for you. After seeing some of the shit people on the internet masturbate to, the law of probability ensures there's at least 100 of you weirdos out there. If you have ever expressed disappointment regarding the current lack of "disgusting drinks possessing an aftertaste that makes you feel as if somebody crammed a wad of decaying, burning medical waste into your nostrils," NOS / SON will fill your hole.

I would also like to note the can's warning label, containing the following text in its entirety: "CAUTION: POWERFUL." POWERFUL is apparently the new DISGUSTING.

Energy Composition: 2000mg Taurine, 400mg L-Carnitine, 100mg Panax ginseng Extract. The internet claims Panax ginseng "serves as a first-aid drug to save death-impending patients, giving them an extra lease of life," but after swallowing a swig of whatever the unholy hell this crap is, you'll inquire about your extra life's return policy.

Rating: 2 / 10

UNBOUND ENERGY (16 oz)

Description: UNBOUND ENERGY should not be confused with Gunbound Energy, which is simply an empty, free can you have to repeatedly pay $40 to fill. UNBOUND ENERGY should additionally not be confused with Earthbound Energy, which is 16 ounces of annoying internet people who refuse to ever stop talking about how awesome and revolutionary their can is. In contrast, UNBOUND ENERGY is safely shipped inside a rusty, iron tube firmly sealed with industrial-strength rivets and... no wait, that's just the can's graphic design! I was tricked. Fuck you, UNBOUND ENERGY!

After overcoming the humiliating treachery inflicted by UNBOUND ENERGY's deceitful design, I found myself pleasantly surprised by its taste. Drinking it didn't immediately elicit thoughts of suicide! If you guys and gals responsible for UNBOUND ENERGY want to use that quote to sell your drink, be my guest. The non-death inducing taste resembles a grapefruit full of buckshot. This lack of nasty aftertaste can possibly serve as an additional selling point.

Energy Composition: 2000mg Taurine, 2000mg "Energy Blend" (glucose, caffeine, inositol, glucuronolactone, Maltodextrin). I love glucuronolactone!!! When I woke up this morning, my wife claimed I seemed "sickly." She then asked if I've been recently experimenting with glucuronolactone. I hit her in the mouth.

Retarded Quote From Can: "THE RULES HAVE CHANGED! UNBOUND ENERGY HAS SET THE STANDARD. OUR INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH ENERGY FORMULA IS ENGINEERED TO PUSH THE LIMITS OF PERSONAL PERFORMANCE. MAKE YOUR OWN RULES... LIVE LIFE OUTSIDE THE LINES. BE UNBOUND!" What the dick does any of that incoherent nonsense mean? It reads like something the Ultimate Warrior would shout before launching an attack on a nearby folding table.

Rating: 5 / 10

UNBOUND ENERGY + JUICE (16 oz)

Description: UNBOUND ENERGY + JUICE is another product for all those people out there who want to fool their brain into believing they're consuming something remotely "healthy." It has "juice" in it, and juice comes from fruit, so this can of artificial stimulants must be as healthy as eating an entire goddamn pumpkin! Keep in mind this world is home for a variety of objects and creatures with the potential to be juiced, so "juice" in itself might not necessarily be a good thing.

All ingredients and supplemental facts are exactly the same as the previous UNBOUND atrocity, the only noticeable differences apparent in the can's design (resembling a mandarin orange after a cargo truck backed over it) and the taste (resembling a mandarin orange after a cargo truck backed over it). I wasn't aware adding "juice" could somehow make an energy drink taste even more repulsive, but UNBOUND managed to pull it off. Each can ships fully equipped with a tart, rancid undertone, suggesting the "juice" component had an expiration date three days before Max Headroom was canceled. THE RULES HAVE CHANGED! I wish the FDA's approval rules would've changed.

Energy Composition: Same as Unbound Energy (above), only somehow much worse.

Rating: 4 / 10